Anyone had an abusive parent who changed as they got older?

[SighOnHigh]

My mum was abusive. But we had a good childhood in alot of respects. Always loads of food, treat days out, holidays, friends round, birthday parties, the latest toys etc...

As I grew into an adult she helped me out massively with some life events. Was there when my kids were born.

Throughout this she had the odd 'episode' but nothing like my childhood.

Now she is approaching 60 but with poor health so she seems much older.

We get along OK and I do love her but I just cannot shake the resentment of what went on.

She won't acknowledge it. I tried once and all hell broke loose. I was the bad guy for upsetting her etc.

I just wish I could let it go or forget because of I did then the person she is now (and was on the whole after I turned about 16 and fought back) is very difde2to the woman who
-hit me with hangers
-hit me with hairbrushes
-pulled my hair
-bit me

• held my nose pinched with one hand whilst covering my mouth with the other (whilst straddling me with my arms pinned to my sides-watching me struggle)

-strangled me

All these things have affected me badly and my mental health is shocking.

Ive never been able to hold a job, my social confidence is zero, my ability to make friends is zero. I'm lonely and sad and it's affected my own kids. They've been robbed of the mum I could have been.

I don't want to go non contact because I love her and the person she is now is just an old lady who is nice but I can't forget my childhood.

This all went on from about 8 to 14.

I don't know what I'm asking really :(

I just needed to write it down as sometimes when I'm due to help her with something all this comes up (even tho2she helps me too sometimes)

My partners df was very physically and emotionally abusive to him as a child. They were JWs so no Christmas or birthdays either. His dad has dementia now and it is my partner who is his carer. He is a totally different man. But my DP still bares the scars of his childhood.

@OliveToboogie

My partners df was very physically and emotionally abusive to him as a child. They were JWs so no Christmas or birthdays either. His dad has dementia now and it is my partner who is his carer. He is a totally different man. But my DP still bares the scars of his childhood.

That must be incredibly difficult. I don't know if I could do that at all. Your partner must be a very wonderful person

Oh bless you, op, that sounds very difficult. Have you had any counselling to help you deal with this? Have you read the Stately Homes thread on here?
💐

Yes me. We now have a pretty good relationship but I suffered emotional abuse and neglect throughout my childhood.

Same as you, she was there for me when I had kids and is now a kind grandmother. We have a good relationship now but I will never forget or forgive the trauma I suffered.

The times I have raised the issues with her I get screamed at and it's never her fault.

And yes it's affected my mental health my whole life as my foundations weren't solid.

Sorry op .. Mine was not physically abusive but an absent narcissistic alcoholic who made everyone's life a hell. Lies, theft, no morals, only loved herself and incredibly incredibly selfish. I can go on and on. She's old now, and alone. On psychiatric medicines which seemed to have tamed her, making me wonder if my childhood was the result of a chemical imbalance...even if I want to forget it feels like I can't. At the slightest hint my memories come back. Just can't view her as anything else. I don't love her, but care for her. I guess I don't know how to. If you can forgive, do though, you'd feel better, and have peace, for your own sake, not hers. I couldn't though...

My dad was horrendous, particularly to my mum, from when I was about 8. No hitting, but very aggressive, threatening, shouting, sulking, smashing things, throwing us out, swearing, gaslighting etc. Very volatile and manipulative. There was never any reason for it. It has affected me and my siblings a lot, and I weep for the person I feel I would have been if I’d had two loving, supportive and nurturing parents, instead of an abuser and an enabler.

He’s never exactly stopped, as in he will still kick off from time to time, but seeing as it’s only my mum that lives there now, I think he has realised over the past few years that he longer holds any real power over me/my siblings. He therefore seems to have mellowed a bit, plus a progressive physical disability occasionally makes me think he has finally had to have some humility. But I’m probably kidding myself.

I still think he’s a bastard. The trauma looms over my life. It never goes away. Despite therapy (ongoing) I can’t imagine ever getting over it. It was so despicable to treat us all like that. I have panic attacks if I have to interact with men who remind me of him in any way. My self worth is on the floor. I have an eating disorder. Barely any friends. I have spent the majority of my life feeling like another species due to the isolation and fear I felt growing up in that environment.

It’s shit. But you still love your mum OP which makes it more complicated. I can’t say the same for my dad. Honestly I wouldn’t have too much sympathy. I’d focus my energies on my own children if I were in your shoes.

I still have to remind myself sometimes how badly I was let down. It’s like I fall back into subconsciously blaming myself for how I am, then I remember: this was done to me and I didn’t deserve it and it wasn’t fair.

It’s so fucking hard

My df was abusive. To my mother and brother physically, to us all emotionally and financially.

He became a different person with a much later partner.

I had no contact until about 3 years ago. He had cancer, he was dying. He had died since. I did resume contact. It was hard as I never really got past my childhood, it affected me for years with my MH and shaped my disastrous relationships.

But he was different. His partner remembers a different person and I stuggle with that.

My df was an utter bastard to me especially when I was younger. Since I, and then his other children, moved out he has mellowed into a different person entirely.

Honestly I look at it now and think 99% of the problem was the lack of control that comes from having kids. As an adult I have been diagnosed autistic, and whether the problem was dealing with my autism, or whether he is in fact autistic himself too (nb, obviously it is not automatic that being a dick meant he must be autistic - but I have to consider it knowing that I am), I think that definitely contributed.

Obviously I don't excuse anything he did, but a whole lot of empathy came when I had my own children. It is incredibly hard work mentally.

Mine were abusive physically and then emotionally as I got older.

Can't stand them, old age doesn't erase the horrible people they were and are. I am NC/LC. Haven't seen them in years.

I'm sorry OP.

yes I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused and neglected by one parent, the other was an alcoholic. It had a profound effect on me: CPTSD (I used to tremble constantly and be on constant state of high alert) plus addiction issues. I got clean and mentally recovered about 10 years ago. I was NC / LC with them for a while. The alcoholic parent died of liver cirrhosis.

The most abusive parent had a stroke and is now disabled. I support them substantially financially as there is no one else to do it. I don't see them often and always have my partner with me as emotional support, my partner knows the score and knows how difficult it is for me. I still get physical and emotional symptoms when I have to call or see them but I keep it light and short.

Baseline story is that I now understand the abusive parent was very mentally ill when they did what they did. They have been sectioned a couple of times and treated for schizophrenia. That doesn't mean I will ever forget what they did but I can forgive. However it is important that I keep them very much at arm's length and not an active part of my life, but I treat them with respect and they treat me with respect. That is what I have found that works for me. Everyone is different.

The fact she won't acknowledge it / all hell broke loose when you tried is probably a combination or guilt and a continuation of abuse in the form of gaslighting.

You mention that you cannot shake the resentment. This is normal. She abused you but she's changed and she's your mum so there will be conflicting feelings. You're entitled to feel angry. The problem with resentment is that it can be all consuming become a part of our identity when we don't do the necessary work to address it and release the past.

My dad was abused by his mum and her bf and my mum was neglected by her mum to the point they were quite dysfunctional parents to me and my siblings causing some traumas for me. They are now very different very loving grandparents and have since apologise sincerely and mournfully for some of their behaviours that shaped my life negatively and yet I still have days where memories flood my thoughts and I'm filled with rage and resentment (telling you this so you know you're not alone and I've got friends who have shared similar experiences). Anger isn't always so bad, anger can be used as fuel. Resentment on the other hand is a stewing emotional pain that serves no purpose. You and your inner child to deserve to be free from resentment so you can move on and be lighter and happier.

I don't know exactly how. It's obviously a process and as with most processes it won't be straightforward or easy. There is no changing yesterday but you can be an active participant in your life and change the present and have a say in creating your future. You have power.

These may be of some interest to you:
●Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents
●www.goalcast.com/4-ways-forgive-toxic-parents/
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●www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/some-assembly-required/201701/8-strategies-work-through-anger-and-resentment

One of the reasons I haven't had kids is because I wouldn't want to make the same mistakes my parents did. It amazes me that parents don't learn from their parent's mistakes but parenting can't be easy.

There was physical abuse from my Father. I suppose it was the kind of thing that parents did in the 70s to their kids and lots of put downs from both parents. The put downs really held me back in my career.

My Mother is in her mid 80s now and she can be stubborn and awkward. Unfortunately no one else can make sure she is cared for so I am suddenly the flavour of the month. I try to remember that she has a kind side but I don't have anything in common with her. I care about her but wish I'd left home at 16 and moved very far away.

Sorry that you had to go through this. I am glad you have written this thread as this is how I am with my Dad & feel guilty for feeling this way.
As ihatesonic tonic has said, they are different with new partners.
My Dad thought nothing of hitting myself & my brother. These weren't gentle taps! He was also extremely judgemental. He worked away & lot & we breathed sighs of relief. Because of how he was myself & my brother both have very low self esteem & haven't excelled in the workplace as much as we should because of confidence issues.
Dad nursed Mum & now has a new partner & is very cuddly & the complete opposite of who he was. He has however admitted that he didn't realise the amount of work my Mum had to do regarding bringing us up.
I do feel resentful of him, but try not to let it effect the relationship that we have now. Maybe it's because as an adult I.can walk away.

I am so sorry for what she did to you.
I have needed a lot of therapy. A lot. I probably had a relationship with my mum similar to yours, but I have needed to step away from her a little as I have too much pain and anger to pretend that everything is fine and dandy now. I literally can't forgive and forget. I don't know how things will be going forward but my mental health pushed me to near suicide so I needed to bring up the past in order to continue to live.
None of this stuff is easy OP. I hope you can find a way through.

You know what's also upsetting op? When the abuser is older and mellower (due to medication or whatever) and the people in the family who knew how she was are gone, you're the only person left to have witnessed it all and know the truth. When some new bs happens and you know the twisted mind it's coming from but can't make others see it. Really diminishes your feelings and what you've lived through...

I have so much empathy for you OP. I’m so sorry you have gone through this. Old wounds take a long time to heal. Some Elderly people who previously acted this way tend to burn out as they get older. So as things are now maybe cut her a bit of slack. I’m guessing she has a personality disorder. I know it’s no consolation to you, maybe ask about her past if you don’t Know already. Was there trauma?

My dad was a horrible father and abusive to my mum and his children.
He's fine now he's in his 80s, with dementia and needs care. He just watches TV and eats his meals which are placed in front of him. Maybe that's all he wanted in life and now he has it's he's not angry with us all?
Or the dementia has eaten away the abusive part of his brain?
Who knows.

I’m so sorry that you went through this. My mum used to do similar things and I now suspect that she had a serious personality disorder. I know that she suffered terrible abuse during her own childhood. If your mum acknowledged her failings and was truly remorseful, do you think that this would make the healing process easier?

YES!!

My mum was an abusive, narcissistic alcoholic but improved when

I had a nervous breakdown aged 22 - she learned that I’d gone round telling people of her narc abuse and very abusive incidents

she improved even further when I was 24 and bought a house with my partner. At this time she was also diagnosed with terminal cancer