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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I messed up

22 replies

imessedupah · 15/03/2022 20:16

My friends been cheated on and I've been supporting her through it but I don't know why it really triggered some horrible feelings of guilt for what I did to my ex. I cheated on and left him really abruptly and the break up was hell for him.

I searched him on Facebook and was scrolling through our old messages, I'm not sure really, just curiosity/nostalgia and I accidentally liked one of his messages. I unliked it but googled and it said he would of got the notification. I messaged and said sorry if you got a notification, I didn't mean to, but I've wanted to apologise for years so I'll take this opportunity to say I'm really sorry for what I did to you. You didn't deserve any of it. I hope you're happy and having a brilliant life.

He screenshot it and sent it to my dh. All I can think is he knew I was married and he thought I was doing what I did to him again and it triggered him or something. Dh upset that I'm messaging ex's but it wasn't bloody like that.

What do I do

OP posts:

slimshady18 · 15/03/2022 20:18

well this is obviously your karma i guess

pictish · 15/03/2022 20:20

Just say exactly what you said here. 🤷‍♀️

HaggisBurger · 15/03/2022 20:20

You might want to reflect on the fact that - your friend being cheated on, you messaging an ex whom you hurt and your DH’s feelings - it’s all very much all about YOU!

Original poster

imessedupah · 15/03/2022 20:21

I guess so. I have wanted to apologise over the years, I was 20 and immature and selfish. I never apologised or took accountability but by the time I'd grown up and become a bit more self aware it felt like too much time had passed to apologise. I just feel so embarrassed now, and worried dh will lose trust in me when it really wasn't anything other than guilt.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 15/03/2022 20:21

Aw you were only 20. You've apologised to everyone. Forgive yourself and move on.

bluejelly · 15/03/2022 20:22

I think he was a git for a screen shotting it and sending to your DH

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2022 20:23

Oh dear.

chocaholic73 · 15/03/2022 20:25

I think if you quickly unliked a message, after liking it he would have been unlikely to spot it but anyway - I don't see the problem. You apologised for the past, I don't see why your dh has a problem with that. I think what your ex did was unnecessary.

Original poster

imessedupah · 15/03/2022 20:29

Yes wishing I hadn't messaged now but was worried if he saw the notification he'd think I was fishing or something, trying to get him to message me. I didn't want it to be misconstrued so thought I'd explain and use the opportunity to apologise. It really has bothered me for years and I truly meant it. I'm married with two kids for christ sake. I just feel like an idiot now.

OP posts:

Flexitarian · 15/03/2022 20:33

Just come clean to your husband and tell him what you’ve told us. If your relationship is otherwise good and trusting there is nothing in that message for him to take issue with. Just tell him you feel like an idiot and put it behind you. Hopefully you’ll laugh about it in good time.

pictish · 15/03/2022 20:33

@bluejelly

I think he was a git for a screen shotting it and sending to your DH

So do I. What a wee dick.

dumdumduuuummmmm · 15/03/2022 20:45

Just tell your DH exactly what you've said here. Recent events with your friend made you think about your past behaviour and you wanted to apologise. For no reason other than it felt like the right thing to do. And that ex bf is clearly a dick to send your dh a screenshot. For what purpose? Obviously to cause trouble

Original poster

imessedupah · 15/03/2022 20:46

It felt a bit unnecessary of him to do that. I get that I might of touched a nerve though. I didn't think that message could come across as anything other than an apology but perhaps he thought it was and wanted to warn dh. I just feel embarrassed. I had never cheated before or since, I was silly and ran back to my first love thinking it was some big romantic gesture and we were destined to be together after all. Shows how young and immature I was as it very obviously didn't last. This ex was just collateral damage in it all. I ran back to and subsequently broke up with my first love very quickly and was so heartbroken about him that I didn't spare much thought at all to the man I'd just dumped and ran out on. We lived together and all. It was pretty savage and it's something that I've felt really strongly towards over the years, just how badly I treated him and how hard it must of been for him. Of course I understand if he hates me and doesn't want to hear from me a decade down the line. Dh obviously asked what I'm apologising about, feel awful explaining all of this, it really isn't who I am and I didn't really want dh to ever know all the details. I don't mean to make it all about me, I just feel really sad how this has gone. It's just more negative feeling about that time in my life now.

OP posts:

NoNeedToWorryAboutAThing · 15/03/2022 21:13

@bluejelly

I think he was a git for a screen shotting it and sending to your DH

Oh, I don't know. I know wish I had the balls to screen shot the 'friendly innocent' messages I receive from men in the middle of the night to send to their partners...

Susu49 · 16/03/2022 00:32

You've done nothing wrong in going through old messages, and you've certainly not done anything wrong in apologising to your ex. I don't get why your DH would be angry about this tbh.

I agree your ex has been a git in sending the screenshot to your DH (though its understandable) and tbh think your DH is being a bit of a git too.

You're not the same person anymore. I really don't see the point in beating yourself up any longer for something when you were so young.

You're upset because you still feel deeply ashamed, forgiveness wasn't forthcoming from your ex (ok, fair enough) and you've been exposed to your dh. I think what you really need to hear from your DH is some reassurance that he knows you're not the same person.

I hope you get it

StrangerLife · 16/03/2022 01:12

You should have let it be. Why would you think after all this time he needs to you apologise for being a scum bag? He knows you're one he doesn't need to you apologise for it. What did you want out of it? Him to forgive or to give you peace for what you did? This was about making you feel better not about apologising to him. You don't deserve to feel better for it let it go and move on.
Good on him for sending it to your husband I'd have done the same. I don't think it triggered anything as such he probably was annoyed hearing from you again and thought he should let the poor man who ended up with you know who you are. He's probable grateful it isn't him but feels bad for the guy anyway. By sending it to your husband you're unlikely to bother him again.

Let it go, leave people be they don't need to make you feel better.

Littlebylittlelittle · 16/03/2022 01:18

Wow @StrangerLife

I don’t agree that doing something like at 20 that makes someone a scumbag
I think a little compassion and realising we all are capable of doing shitty things will enable us to label the behaviour rather than say ‘he knows your a scumbag

Op you made a mistake . Tell your partner what happened just like you did here
When we do something selfish that hurts others our karma is often just that we have to live with it , love on and accept that we are all flawed human beings . You don’t need to change his mind about you
Is hung him the best in your own heart and striving to do better is the way to go
Don’t be so hard on yourself and realise that recognise not one of us had never hurt another person in one way or another - we just try to do better , that’s all

Littlebylittlelittle · 16/03/2022 01:19

*Wishing him the best

Littlebylittlelittle · 16/03/2022 01:20

Wishing him the best in your own heart and striving to do better

Incognito32 · 16/03/2022 01:41

It's really not a big deal.

I got cheated on by a few boyfriends in my early 20s. At the time I was crushed, but now harbour no bad feeling towards any of them. I hope they are all happy. We were young, all looking for adventure, fun and the loves of our lives.

I think he's a bit weird sending that message to your DH. Honestly, there was one boyfriend who did a real number on me. He was horrendous and if he ever turned up on my fb now apologising all I'd think was - well I'm glad you grew up!

If you're DH gives you a hard time about something you did in your 20s before you even met him.....just say something like 'I didn't really know what love was until I met you' ;-)

It's fine. Young hearts need to get broken otherwise we'd all still be with our first boyfriend and all I can say to that is - ewwwwwww!

Marineboy67 · 16/03/2022 09:09

Definitely some lessons learnt here. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and things in the past are probably best kept there.
Your ex will probably have found it a bit insulting that now your in a better place you chose to apologise after 10 years. Clearly he's still angry about it and as the last impression you left him with of a cheater perhaps he wanted to warn your husband.
It may be harsh but you can see why he sent it.
Time is the only way forward now, your husband will be hurt even though you never meant for that to happen.

junglejane66 · 16/03/2022 16:10

@bluejelly

I think he was a git for a screen shotting it and sending to your DH

I dont. Doesnt matter if OP was 20 or 60 the pain is still the same. The OP hated him enough to cheat and shit on him from a great height, then after xx years accidentally liked a post of his and had to say something as she knew he'd see it, then messages 'oh , but I've wanted to apologise for years, blah blah blah.............. Raking up all the old hurt after xx years, with an insincere apology, tbh I'd have done the same

If you've been in a similar situation you'd understand, one day there next gone to find you've been shit on and a million of unanswered questions.

Biggest one for me was what did I do to make them hate me so much?

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