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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend 7yrs called me needy

47 replies

Fuzzyhippo · 15/03/2022 13:56

Been with OH for almost 7 years, we don't live together and don't have kids. Today he was meant to be dropping something off to me which he said he was going to last night but never turned up. I sent a text at 9am this morning asking what's going on then. He didn't reply so I sent a text at 1pm asking what's going on. Then out of nowhere he says I'm needy and to stop bugging him. I honestly can't figure out how I'm needy, I come round to see him once a week and we don't call and rarely text as he doesn't tend to reply if I do until he goes to bed around 9pm. I sent a message asking why he was being so harsh and he replied 'what about it?'. I don't know how to react or how to feel about this. I probably am overreacting and being needy, I try and stay away as much as possible as he says he prefers to be on his own but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 15/03/2022 14:57

Oh love you deserve much better than this. Dump him and make a space for a kind man with a big heart.

dotdotdotdash · 15/03/2022 15:00

Another voice chiming in to say, you deserve better than this! Tell him it's over and concentrate on you for a bit. I recommend the Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast with Natalie Lue. She is just lovely and spot on with so many matters around recovering from an dysfunctional upbringing and having healthy, loving relationships

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 15/03/2022 15:01

You are not needy. He said he would do something, then didn't. And then was rude and insulting to you over it. He is unreliable and nasty, two qualities no one wants in a partner.

AwayInMyMind · 15/03/2022 15:03

OP it sounds like you are waiting around for his crumbs. Both people need to be happy in a relationship, feel safe and secure. It sounds like you feel none of these

Can people please stop saying no children and not living together is not a relationship. It is, and many people prefer it this way.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/03/2022 15:12

It sounds like you want different things.

You deserve to be happy too you know. If this isn’t making you happy it’s ok to end it. He is possibly being so nasty on purpose because he wants you to do exactly that.

If you are confused, take some time. Don’t get in touch with him again. Do the freedom programme. I think it’s free and you can do it online. Try reading some relationship books. Therapy is great but there’s lots of other things you can do.

And don’t get too hard on yourself. He doesn’t sound like he has been very honest with you. That makes him the twat not you. 💐

Watchkeys · 15/03/2022 15:13

I'm so confused

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take

Just leave behind anybody who makes you feel like this. Leave behind anybody/any situation that makes you feel rubbish. That's all you need to know about maintaining healthy boundaries.

You don't need to concern yourself with anyone who says you are 'too x' or 'too y'. You are you. There's nothing wrong with you. Anybody who thinks you're 'too something' is saying you are 'too something for their preference'. They don't get to dictate to you how you should be. Why would they know the parameters of 'reasonable' better than you? Why do they get to decide if your behaviour is ok? You decide that.

daisyjgrey · 15/03/2022 15:17

Having read all your posts, you need to listen to what everyone is telling you here. This isn't a healthy relationship. It's difficult to recognise that when you don't have a blue print for one.

For context, I've been in my relationship for 7 years, he lives and works 70 miles away so we only see each other at weekends plus the occasional weeknight when we can swing it. We have no children together either but have our own separately. We text everyday, throughout the day. If we're both really busy with work then the bare minimum would be a check in in the morning, maybe a quick "hope your day is going ok" or "love you" in the day and then we'd have a phone conversation in the evening, probably plus the odd text/sent IG post or something. We always message to say goodnight, will facetime quickly before bed if we have time and one of us isn't out. If I'm out by myself or driving back from somewhere late I'll put my location tracker thing on as a safety thing so he knows I got home ok and he does the same if he goes out for a run or bike ride. We're apart but we're very much a part of each other's day to day.

At NO point, would it be ok for either of us to brush the other one off like he has to you and then gaslight them into thinking they they're the needy and unreasonable one.

Your 'boyfriend' is gaslighting you, amongst other things. Please try and get some therapy for your upbringing, even the freedom programme would help you. You deserve a lot better than this.

ChickinMarango · 15/03/2022 15:38

@Fuzzyhippo I hate to say it but if you described this sort of relationship even 3 months in I’d say something wasn’t right.

The relationship he wants although unconventional would be ok if both parties were on board. You clearly (and rightly!) want more than this. I wouldn’t even bother communicating this to him- it’s time to move on!

If he’s not moved on from this stage in 7 years it’s certainly not going anywhere.

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 16:03

I sent a message asking why he was being so harsh and he replied 'what about it?

Is he an adult or a delinquent child?

I think he's stringing you along too. He's lucky you have put up with him for this long with no move towards living together or getting married, and he's possibly using you as a security base to cast his net around for other women.

This makes me sound about 12 but TikTok is full of short video clips on how to establish better boundaries in personal relationships and can be quite helpful if you avoid all the dance stuff on it!

Suprima · 15/03/2022 16:47

This man doesn’t like you

This was painful to read

Please, please, please leave him

babywalker56 · 15/03/2022 17:17

^Just flipped the post to read from the last comment and this is literally what I was going to say.

I know this may sound harsh especially after 7 years but this man doesn't like you at all. He sounds so rude and sounds like he literally couldn't care less about you. 7 years but you hardly text or call throughout the day, see each other once a week, don't live together, never been on holiday or more than 50 miles from where you live. When you do go out it's usually to Spoons with his friend and you'll pay for your own food. It doesn't even sound like he's pretending to like you.

It seems like maybe this guy sees you as a fwb or maybe just a convenience to his life but nothing else. Why go along with this? Has he even officially 'asked you out' or have you just assumed it's a relationship. He seems horrible and I'm sorry but you need to ditch him. Try and work on yourself with some therapy (I know the waiting list is long but it'll be worth it in the long run) and lose this guy

DoWhatYouLike · 15/03/2022 18:08

You only see him once a week, and that's been the case for 7 years? You're not his girlfriend, sorry.

As for this I've never actually had therapy for it, I did get offered but it's far too expensive for what I can afford and therapy on the NHS has a very long waiting list. You can do a self-referral online. I only had to wait 3 weeks and have face-to-face counselling with a very nice lady

DoWhatYouLike · 15/03/2022 18:09

look up "Let's Talk Wellbeing"

layladomino · 15/03/2022 20:40

I'm sorry but this man really isn't very interested in you.

When someone is in to you / loves you, you are left in absolutely no doubt. Even if they can't see you for practical reasons, they do all they can to see you when they can. They keep on touch. They let you know they are thinking of you. You're left in no doubt they would like to see more of you.

What they DON'T do is call you needy, ignore you, prefer not being with you, accept seeing you once a week (after 7 years!!) and make you feel like a pain.

You are not needy. It is entirely normal, after 6 months let alone 7 years, to keep in touch, to respond to each others' messages and to be affectionate and enjoy being with each other. To plan fun things. To be happy that you are bf / gf.

Ditch him. He isn't that interested in you. You deserve better. Much much better.

iwishu · 15/03/2022 21:38

He didn't turn up so it's reasonable question to ask what's going on, you aren't in the slightest needy but he doesn't like it when you call his behaviour out.
You've been accepting his crumbs of a relationship for 7 years, permanently stuck in the early days of dating it sounds like. Stop trying to please him, he's not offering you anything in terms of more commitment, time to put a stop to this nonsense.

BorsetshireBanality · 15/03/2022 23:09

Just reflect back his attitude to you and ghost 👻 him!

Jellybean23 · 15/03/2022 23:26

It sounds like you are in a friendship rather than a relationship. Or that he wants to end it.

Babadook76 · 15/03/2022 23:34

Oh dear lord woman. You’re a part time shag. I bet there’s a long term girlfriend if not a wife and kids in the background. Find some self respect and someone who actually wants to be with you

jytdtysrht · 16/03/2022 01:31

This isn’t a proper relationship. Free yourself, look after yourself and you can meet someone who actually cares about you all of the time. It’s really not usual to not live together this far into a relationship IME.

He’s hopes you have a future = stringing along at this stage. Bin him and never look back.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 16/03/2022 07:10

You're being used as a hole to stick it in.
I would dump his ass.

girlmom21 · 16/03/2022 07:13

If he thinks you're needy he'll have a rude awakening with his next girlfriend.

Dump him op. You're not a couple. You see each other once a week and still pay your half of meals out every single time.

ThackeryBinks · 16/03/2022 07:28

Don't listen to his words follow his actions. His actions are telling you that he's always going to keep you at arms length and the relationship will stay exactly as it is now in the future. Anytime you need more from him will be met with hostility. Only you can decide if this will be enough for you.

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