Reasons why people get into loveless marriages

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I’ve been posting on someone else’s thread about me finally waking up to my long term unhappiness in my marriage, and thank you to the other posters who responded to me there. I’m not discussing this with anyone IRL so using mumsnet as my sounding board at the moment.

What I am finding really difficult to process is facing up to how I got myself into this situation in the first place.

Unlike some people who are madly in love and then the relationship sours because of poor behaviour, an affair, alcohol or whatever , my situation is a bit different in that I don’t know how I actually got past the first few months with DH - I keep re running incidents in my head of when we first got together, when there were massive red flags and I just consistently ignored them - it’s not even as if I was oblivious to the issues, more I made a conscious decision to tell myself that it was ok, to try see things from his point of view, I couldn’t expect more from a relationship, passionate romantic feelings weren’t for me to have or for someone to have about me, and to focus on the positives even if sometimes the positives were hard to find. I used to list these things in my head like a mantra whenever doubts would creep in, like. all my family and friends loath him (mainly secretly, but I know they do)

weirdly, I had a lovely lovely man beg me to end it with DH, back when DH was my boyfriend, and I just stubbornly refused to give in to the possibility of real happiness. I bitterly regret that decision now.

I also justified what I was doing to DH (as deep down I knew it wasn’t fair to him either, no matter how much of an arse he was) because he was so self centred and disinterested in me as a person, he just wanted a pretty girlfriend as a trophy, so it was fine to continue on the path we were on.

I’ve never had counselling but there are definitely things in my background that condition me to feel uncomfortable with being loved or even happy, and I’m much more at home, for some reason, with being low level miserable.

It’s like the last ten years have passed in a blur of me ‘faking it’, acting out happy families, having babies, defending DH and pretending that I am on board with his actions and priorities, while shutting down all my feelings, and now I am almost hysterical about how I’ve ended up here (hence all my posting on MN!)

Has anyone else been in this position of just not quite believing the life choices they’ve made that have led them to a place of being married and having children with someone who you wouldn’t have second (or even first) date with if you met them today?

I think I probably do need to talk to someone as my obsessive thinking about this issue is not healthy

One thing occurs to me. You might sub-consciously feel not good enough. I think that is linked to an overly-critical and dominant care-giver in early life who would rarely support of congratulate you on your achievements, but instead would expect more of you all the time.
I think it would help you to explore your childhood with a psychotherapist maybe?

absolutely. I was in a very similar situation, knew the woman i married was wrong for me, ignored all the red flags, got married and had kids because i didn't feel like i could back out even though i knew i was unhappy. It took me several years after lots of unkind behaviour to finally have enough courage and say i wanted out.

Don't worry too much about how you got there, we all do stupid things. If there's no saving it then make a plan for how you get out and start putting it into action. Trust me, even if it takes a long time and it's hard, it's worth it in the end.

Ditto. I grew up having very low expectations of men and marital happiness, and carefully chose someone who would indeed prove that marriage could be shit. Got it right second time round though.

Introspection, counselling and experience has helped me understand where I went wrong and also helped me understand some underlying principles - eg I am very good at being unhappily married, so in my new very happy marriage am in danger of not fixing issues as they arise as I'm comfortable being miserable.

So if you feel like a bit of counselling then go for it. If you like self-help books then I'd indulge in a few of those too. Thinking time is never wasted.

Please try to get some counseling. As cheesy as it may sound, you are worth more than you think you are. When we become so used to caring about everyone and anyone above ourselves, to even thinking of your own wants and needs somehow feels selfish. It’s nice to care for others, but not to the point you lose yourself and somehow your identity is enmeshed with that solely of a caregiver. And what then happens when those around no longer need that care or value it, even?

A loving marriage comes in all shapes and forms. You may well be in a loveless marriage or sleepwalked into one, getting busy with the humdrum of everyday living. Getting help and trying to gain some kind of self-worth will help you when you choose to walk away. If you are in a safe and stable environment, then there is no rush. Take your time. Getting your financial documents in order won’t happen so easily so don’t worry about making life-changing decisions overnight, do what’s best for you and your babies. In the mean time, speaking to your GP might be the first step and hopefully you will be referred soon. Finances permitting, you may want to look into private counseling in case you are on the waiting list for too long.

"I’ve never had counselling but there are definitely things in my background that condition me to feel uncomfortable with being loved or even happy, and I’m much more at home, for some reason, with being low level miserable".

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. It is an important question. You've partially answered your question in your above comment. You subconsiously chose the familiar to you and we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Was your parents relationship similar to what you describe now?. Were you also taught to put your own feelings last or conditioned to parent please a difficult or otherwise absent parent?.

Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues.

Seek out a BACP registered therapist and face this head on now.

I think you've answered your own question -- you are more comfortable with being low-level miserable, and are uncomfortable with being loved and prioritised. It's not just you, it's surprisingly widespread. You seek out what is familiar, because it demands less of us. And women are taught to shut down their feelings, and some of us become extremely good at it. I think of myself as a reasonably clever and emotionally-literate person, but one thing that has come up repeatedly in my adult life, is me refusing to acknowledge that I am stressed or miserable, and my body doing something that flags it up (palpitations that actually had me sent for an immediately ECG, panic attacks, nosebleeds etc. )

I think that while you need to tease out and understand the scripts that led you to where you are (without blaming yourself), the thing to think about now is, now you've admitted to yourself your marriage is making you unhappy, what are you going to do about it?

I'm sorry to read about your situation, OP.

I'm not in the same situation but I absolutely see how I could've been. Growing up I was surrounded by people in marriages which were problematic, in which the men were basically varying degrees of shithouses.

Some of them were outright abusive while others (like my own parents') were just miserable and constrained to very traditional sex-roles.

At the same time, TV also seemed to mirror these kind of relationships back at me. No-one in soap land was happy in their marriage either.

I grew up, therefore, with a low expectation of men, marriage, and life. I grew up, basically, expecting to be unhappy in a marriage.

So, yes, I can totally see how people end up in loveless marriages - its so normalised and naturalised in society that I think people (women) don't see it.

I'm a romantic so Always thought I'd meet the one.
I did but I've made mistakes.
It true what they say about making yourself happy though.
Until I was happy with myself relationships were rocky
So get some therapy.
CBT was good for me.

‘sleepwalked’ into it is a very good description. As is ‘very good at being unhappily married’. And now I’ve woken up and I’m terrified.

So many nights I’ve lain in my bed and pushed away the difficult if honest thoughts, and told myself “think about designing a new kitchen instead” “think about holiday arrangements”, or even “read some nonsense about parking spaces on MN”, anything to keep my real thoughts at bay.

Perhaps unsurprisingly I’ve lost most of my friends, both because they dislike DH so much / he regarded them as beneath him , but also because I’ve become so emotionally closed off I can’t do anything other than trivial chit chat. I steer clear of any conversations with depth as I’m scared I’ll reveal too much

The suggestions of counselling vis BACP sounds about right, I’ll check that out. I need to get this all off my chest properly

I also need a plan to end my marriage, and I think the only way to do that is to start to tell people IRL, people other than DH, about my unhappiness . Otherwise it’ll just get swept under the carpet, as DH so clearly wants it to be.

Go see a solicitor, as soon as you can, to get the ball rolling. Now that you've finally woken up, don't waste another day.

Low self esteem. First marriage was to my first girlfriend. My own mother told me, when I left her for a time, that I would never find anyone else. Just reinforced my own view so I married her knowing I did not really love her. A terrible thing to have done. She deserved better.

My DH isn't a bad person even though he definitely has his faults and there are things I don't like about him - can be lazy and unmotivated, can be very negative and a bit of a grump about pointless things, have had issues with him in the past where he would belittle me/talk down to me in front of other people.
He was my first ever boyfriend and I was such a nervous person when we first got together. In retrospect, I think we probably should have stayed together for a couple of years and then gone our separate ways. He was a perfect first boyfriend really. But I went on to marry him and have a child with him. I in no way regret having a child with him as it's been life changing and has "made" me in many ways. Just makes things way more complicated.
I used to always think that I'd never find anyone better, because I never really had met anyone I liked better (looking back this is such a silly thing to measure against!), and I had a fear that I'd never have children so in many ways I "settled". I also found at the time I married, I craved safety and security. And he was exactly that. And I was happy.

Fast forward a couple of pretty stressful years and I feel like I'm reevaluating everything! He sort of feels more like a family member to me now rather than someone I "need" and want to be with. Our relationship just makes me sad because it's not what it should be and I know he deserves so much more.

I hear you. I grew up in a situation that I was keen to get out of met dh he was my escape route. Tbh I was lonely and heartbroken over someone else. Dh I think I “rescued” as he had been hurting over an issue that I knew about when I met him. I couldn’t hurt him. I had low self esteem and relied on him. When I was young I considered leaving but had no where to go. I have had counselling and realised so much about myself. I would definitely recommend as a first step. You don’t have to rush just figure out what you need.

Yep. Slight difference in that I came out as lesbian after my first marriage broke down, but it was generally shit from the very first month. Looking back I do know why I put up with it though - just before meeting exH I was attacked, and with hindsight I viewed him and his "meh" kind of awful (he had cheated on me with a teenager by six months, and I already knew he had a drinking problem then) as a protective shield against the "worse" people.

I spent years ignoring my inner voice and going along with what I thought I should be doing. And every single day of it wore me down, til I felt there was no "me" left.

Did a lot of work on myself during and after our split, and I'm now very happily married. There is always chance to correct mistakes we make in life :)

Interesting. I think DH did 'rescue' me in my early 20s but he's had far more than a pound of flesh in return.
So much.
He has a fantastic flexible global career, two great kids.
He drove me home after an operation and moaned that I wanted a slice of toast because he'd been so busy (beer in pub with the rugby)
I have no idea how a 20 years I'm in this position so it really does creep up. I don't talk to others about it, I can't, I think it would rip out all the foundations and we'd be left with a shared sense of humour and a predictable Guardian general knowledge.

Often because we think that's what an adult relationship looks like, due to the example set to us by our parents. Or because our parents didn't take much notice of our feelings, so we don't know our feelings are meant to be taken notice of.

this is 100% what my life was, right down to the late night thoughts. Like others have said, it takes time for these realisations to come and bravery to realise that you do not have to 'settle' for this anymore. When you are ready, you will have the courage to end the marriage. I did and now I've come so far - my children are growing into well-rounded and amazing young adults, my career has blossomed, and my love life is ace too. I'm not gloating, I'm telling you this because this life can be yours as well - I've got these things because my head and heart can now focus on where I want my life to go, without being dragged down by an ex-husband who was determined to keep me under his boot. You've got this OP, keep going.

I had doubts right from the start too. Looking back, I'd had some really volatile relationships, had my heart broken a couple of times, child of a really savage divorce with parents who hate each other, then along came this lovely stable man offering me a nice life, and although I wasn't particularly attracted to him, I thought I could make it work. And it turned out I could, for a few years, just not forever. Maybe there are a lot of one-sided relationships like that that work, but I've always secretly worried that I was actually deceiving both of us. Have now decided to separate but ironically it's really hard as he is still my best friend and I don't want to hurt him.

@Tiger2018
I couldn’t agree more. You’ll know when you know and when the fog clears you’ll realise even more what you’ve lived with. How you’ve dampened who you are to cope. It’s no way to live. It’s an amazing feeling to feel that type of freedom and freedom is what it is!!

There are also really good liars out there.

Thanks for all your thought provoking comments.

I do think low self esteem is definitely something to do with it, both from childhood experiences and because I’d had my heart broken just before I met him, and was also quite vulnerable in a practical sense as I’d lost my home and lots of my social circle as a result of the break up.

there was definitely a sense of him offering safety and security, even though that came at a cost.

@TunaTastic your toast-after-your -operation anecdote rings so true for me, that’s exactly how DH behaves. Not as badly as some spouses you read about on MN, but selfish and thoughtless and unappreciative, sometimes embarrassing me in public with his belittling remarks, where I cringe just thinking about it.

I’m looking up therapists tonight.

I really hope you have found a good therapist to help you. Take care OP x

I ignored so many red flags as I’m very non confrontational and growing up was always “talked out of my feelings”. Like, I’d maybe say something about how I felt and was told that I couldn’t possibly be feeling like that cos of x y z. So in all my relationships I’m very much a keep quiet and hope the other person realizes what they’re doing is hurtful. Of course they never do. I’m now 20 years in with marriage and 2 kids and a husband who can’t bear to touch me. because of the weight I’ve put on through depression, kids etc. I’ve gone past the hating myself and through to how the fuck can I get out of this

Has anyone else been in this position of just not quite believing the life choices they’ve made that have led them to a place of being married and having children with someone who you wouldn’t have second (or even first) date with if you met them today?

This is crucial though - at that time you were NOT the person you are today . It's very easy to beat ourselves up about past decisions even huge ones but try to let this part of it go. You were a different person then.