Scared of messing up new relationship

[rockyroad86]

Hi everyone, my first post, i'm looking for some advice

I was married to an emotionally and physically abusive woman for 7 years, we have 3 young children together. It was a very hard time for me after the first couple of years, she did some things that were quite cruel for no reason i could ever work out. After working up the courage to end it 2 years ago, i concentrated on the children for the next couple of years. All the lockdowns for covid made that pretty easy and thankfully I could get the divorce sorted fairly easily. I did have a brief relationship a year ago but i wasn't really interested.

I went out to a New Year's Eve party this year and met an amazing woman who i have an amazing connection with. I'm trying to be careful and not go in too deep too quick but i've found it impossible because she's everything i've ever wanted in a partner, she's said the same things. We were having an amazing time together, and ended up in bed a lot which was incredible after being ignored and lonely for so long. Unfortunately i couldn't really handle it and i fell for her really quickly.

We were out one night and had another amazing time, she was saying lovely things to me and giving all the right signals so i told her i loved her. She didn't respond the same and said it takes her a while. I said that was fine and didn't make a big deal of it. It was a quiet trip home and we obviously felt a bit awkward around each other.

Since then she's avoiding getting into a situation where we're alone together in either my house or her apartment, she's definitely pulled back a bit and i'm missing her physically. I've not pushed anything or brought it up because i feel we've not been together long enough for that sort of chat and don't want to scare her off. Strangely enough though she's still talking about plans for the future so maybe she just needs a bit of space for a while from any heavy stuff.

I guess i just want to know if anyone has any advice for how to act now? I really don't want to mess this up by coming on too strong or making a big deal of things. Should i not mention anything about loving her again until she says something herself then we can go from there? To be honest i don't truly love her yet it's not been long enough, i just got carried away in the moment. I guess i'm just not used to being with someone nice who wants to give me attention and it's gone to my head and i'm struggling to think straight.

I’m a big fan of open and clear communication with all (and I have excellent, healthy relationships with everyone in my life so frankly I reckon I’m doing it right!)

Just be honest and sensible. Tell her you really like her and enjoy her company, you acknowledge that saying you loved her so early on was too full on: you were happy and caught up in the moment and it got away with you. You know it was a bit silly and you really don’t want it to mess up what seemed to be the two of you having a great time getting to know each other and enjoying a new relationship. Can you start again so to speak and just keep on doing that?

Don’t - for now - tell her you love her again and forget - for now - all the “amazing connection” and “deep feelings” junk. You’ve barely known her two months, it’s far too soon, it comes across as you being indiscriminate with your love and feelings and somebody just desperate to be in a relationship and in love again rather than actually feeling that way about her specifically. The phrase often used is “love bombing”, and mature, sensible women don’t find it flattering or attractive. She’s acting awkwardly and stiffly towards you because she doesn’t want to encourage it.

In a healthy relationship, you don't silence your feelings because the relationship is 'too new', or for any other reason. You say what you feel, when you want to say it. If your partner doesn't like that, then you're not compatible.

A relationship isn't an act you play. If you want it to be healthy, it's you. All of you. You don't have to pretend to be someone. You have to accept that being the real you will scare some people off. There's a lot of people out there we're not compatible with. We're not compatible with almost everybody, in fact.

This is the first woman who's shown you what you wanted to see, to start with, but at the moment you feel you need to start pretending in order not to scare her off, you end the relationship. Someone you're compatible won't be scared of your feelings.

Thanks very much, both good advice. Certainly shocked me a bit reading about love bombing, not my intention and i'm certainly not guilty of all of the creepy stuff that goes along with that. Just really really like her and got carried away by it all.

Does this woman have children, have you discussed yours?

Maybe there is some trepidation due to you having 3 children.

I know quite a few women that woudn't want to take that on in a relationship.

Yep, but everything is fine. Sorted it all out by having a really good chat and we understand each other better now.

She's a very nice reasonable person and she knows all about the kids situation and it's cool.