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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

End of tether, co-parenting with abusive ex

19 replies

Cheerios12 · 15/03/2022 10:35

I’m at the end of my tether with this man. I left him when my DS with 6 months old and ended up in a refuge with just bin bags of stuff. How naive I was to think after leaving him the abusive would stop. I had no idea about post separation abuse.

When I try to raise concerns with him about his parenting with our son, I’m now blocked. These concerns are not giving him his medications. If he does not have them he could become pretty poorly. Our son has allergies and we began slowly introducing them under the dietician. He has small reactions and the advice was to stop giving him the allergen. However ex continues because he wants to look the fun dad to our son even though its causing son harm.

Ex said he wanted to speak to doctors without me to discuss medication. I knew he wanted to do this write his own narrative. I have never stopped him from attending any important meeting or medical appointments with our son.

Last year because I dared to finally go to CMS because I knew he was lying about his salary he went crazy and sent me loads of threats saying he would take me to court. Saying he would take my son away from me fully. Said he would make me look crazy in court. I finally came to agreement he was happy with for the maintenance and surprise surprise the threats of court stopped. Even though he told me he really meant it this time.

He goes to his hobby and palms our son off to his family when it’s his time to have him. Even though he argued for more time with our son. He was in a car accident not long ago, he puts our sons carseat in the front, I’ve asked him numerous times to put it in the back for safety. He agreed after the car accident but he never then did it. I’ve since asked and asked to move his car seat but he wont.

I really believe he is narcissistic. He feeds off our son for emotional supply. He smothers him. Treats him like a baby. Gets upset with our son when he says he misses his mum.

I’m at the point now where I’m thinking I think it’s best if i take him to court to get his time with our son reduced. I cannot discuss any concerns with him. When I have in the past he agrees but then just doesn’t do anything. I cannot get legal aid but I don’t have much disposable income.

I just don’t know what to do. Can anyone give any advice? Has anyone been in the same situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheerios12 · 15/03/2022 11:34

Any advice or help please?

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 15/03/2022 11:39

Many of the things you have mentioned are not necessarily reasons a court would reduce time with dad.

I know you are worried but try not to focus on or control what your son does with his dad.

I would have gone to the CSA.

AHungryCaterpillar · 15/03/2022 11:41

How often does he see him?

lonelydad2021 · 15/03/2022 11:45

You can represent yourself. Its not difficult. You need to try mediation before going to court.

Googlecanthelpme · 15/03/2022 11:46

You can certainly go down the court route to get an official contact order.
I’m not sure on end sentiment of “reducing” his time with son. Courts will only work on fact so if there is facts and proof concerning safeguarding - like withholding critical medication- then they will take that into consideration. However things like putting his car seat in the front of a car - that’s not illegal. It might not be your preference but it wouldn’t be something the court are interested in - same with your DC spending time with his dads family whilst ex is otherwise occupied, unless of course this was a safeguarding issue.

I personally think court orders are the way to go, I don’t think informal agreements are advisable unless all parties are amicable and in agreement.

However you might have to align your expectations, if you feel there are safeguarding issues the court will likely involve social services etc. if you can’t prove safeguarding issues or any other reason why they must reduce his contact then it likely won’t happen (assuming he doesn’t have anything more than 50/50).
It can be a very intensive process, speak to a solicitor and take it from there.

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 11:48

So he is sick everytime he comes back from his dad's house? Take him to the Dr's and document it

Googlecanthelpme · 15/03/2022 11:49

Oh and yes as pp says above you can represent yourself without a solicitor, you can find all the forms and things online.

But you really need to understand the process and the likelihood of the different outcomes first so it might be worth talking to a family solicitor first even if you represent yourself

flibbertyjibbet44 · 15/03/2022 11:55

Having a court order in place means that you reduce the need for contact with this man. There will be a fixed agreement for contact that neither of you should deviate from. In that respect it's a good thing however it means the amount and times of contact are going to be decided by a third party and might not necessarily be what you want.

I've been through similar and it's very hard to try and negotiate with a narcissistic over the person who you love most in the world. All of your instincts are to protect your son and yet his father fails to follow basic safety precautions like fitting his car seat correctly or giving him medication. These are surely safety concerns that should be logged.

Keep all texts and communication where he is threatening you or ignoring your advice when it comes to safety issues.

Don't be afraid to advocate for your son. You don't mention how old he is but I'm guessing he is still young enough to need you to look out for him if his father isn't. It's a horrible situation and you have my sympathy. Have you considered mediation?

Robbierolo · 15/03/2022 12:01

I would err on the side of caution here as although you aren't effectively co-parenting with him, you are sharing care of your child so any Judge may be likely to officially order an agreement of 50/50 shared care.
These are not reasons that would hold up in Court for reduction of contact and I say that as someone whom is currently in the family court.
Your first point of call would be to instruct a Solicitor to send him a letter. I would only progress the matter in Court if you're looking for a solid agreement on contact and any issues pertaining to contact which can be finalised in the Court order.

Robbierolo · 15/03/2022 12:03

Or as others have said, you can represent yourself and just fill in the application to court, you may qualify for fee remission also.

Original poster

Cheerios12 · 15/03/2022 12:16

@lonelydad2021

You can represent yourself. Its not difficult. You need to try mediation before going to court.

Thank you but because there has been domestic abuse I don't need to attend mediation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheerios12 · 15/03/2022 12:19

@Theunamedcat

So he is sick everytime he comes back from his dad's house? Take him to the Dr's and document it

He has come back from his dads with hives- which is a reaction to his allergen. He has also come back with eczema flare ups because he failed to shower him after being in a hot tub. DS is recorded as having eczema. I do have proof of this and proof ex is not giving medication.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheerios12 · 15/03/2022 12:21

@flibbertyjibbet44

Keep all texts and communication where he is threatening you or ignoring your advice when it comes to safety issues.

Thank you so much. Yes it is exhausting isn't it. You really cannot reason with a person like this. At all! DS is 5, so still pretty young.

Other PP It's not like i'm making unreasonable requests eg car seat in the back for safety especially after a bad car accident. I know it's not illegal but you would think he would put safety above being a "fun cool dad" to our DS.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheerios12 · 15/03/2022 12:23

@Robbierolo

I would err on the side of caution here as although you aren't effectively co-parenting with him, you are sharing care of your child so any Judge may be likely to officially order an agreement of 50/50 shared care. These are not reasons that would hold up in Court for reduction of contact and I say that as someone whom is currently in the family court. Your first point of call would be to instruct a Solicitor to send him a letter. I would only progress the matter in Court if you're looking for a solid agreement on contact and any issues pertaining to contact which can be finalised in the Court order.

This is why I have held off so long. I am worried it could potentially go 50/50 which I really don't want. However I don't see how a judge would not consider the other parent not giving medication the child needs as an important factor to consider

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheerios12 · 15/03/2022 19:15

My poor DS has come home tonight coughing and informed me his dad only gave him his inhaler once in 3 nights 😑
Would I be unreasonable to say he cannot see his DS until he signs and agrees to give him his medication correctly?

OP posts:

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 15/03/2022 19:56

The problem is you have no proof. He will deny it. Also he may well sign something but really he could still remain doing what he wants.
I have very similar issues with my ex. I found that medication wasn't being given and realistically it was being done as a form of control. The more I said about it the less it was being given.

Original poster

Cheerios12 · 15/03/2022 22:15

@JustmeandtheKIDS2

The problem is you have no proof. He will deny it. Also he may well sign something but really he could still remain doing what he wants. I have very similar issues with my ex. I found that medication wasn't being given and realistically it was being done as a form of control. The more I said about it the less it was being given.

It's awful that they would use their own child's health as a form of control! It's actually crazy

OP posts:

Embracelife · 15/03/2022 22:29

Your ds is just 5
You cannot rely entirely on his account
Take him to gp each time for the record
Ask gp to write clearly the meds needed

You won't get reduced time just because he is " fun dad."
Disengage
Don't get into arguments with your ex

yummygummy · 15/03/2022 22:43

I think you need to start keeping a log of all incidents where he has witheld medication, been abusive towards you or anything else that you feel is a safeguarding concern. Then collect evidence as much as possible, emails, recordings, photos etc. For each entry state what happened, what was the outcome and how did this impact you and your son. You can then take this to a solicitor for a consultation or free legal clinic (have a look online, some universities or organisations offer this). Then if they think you have a strong case, apply for a lives with child arrangements order. This will be a long process, CAFCASS involvement and you will need to represent yourself. If there is past evidence of his abuse against you such as protective orders, police reports or gp records - this would probably help your case.

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