Teenage DD conflicted about impending birth of half-sibling

[EmEx]

DD is 15, lives half the time with her father, half with me, Ex has remarried someone much younger and although there were never plans for them to have children as new wife had said she preferred not to wreck her body and liked being auntie/godmum. Has now changed her mind (her prerogative)and is expecting.
DD is feeling very conflicted, everyone around her is happy, even her older sister, although sister has left home so doesn't have to stay with father and stepmum. DD feels she can't talk to father as if she says anything negative about the situation and how she's feeling, he gets upset and tells her off for being insensitive/ungrateful etc. She gets on with step mum mostly but they clash at times,about typical teenage stuff. She is worried she will see less of her father as all the attention will be on the new baby, but they expect her to stay with them as normal even though she doesn't want to and could be with me until she gets her head around the situation. Any thoughts or experience??

Your daughter sounds very realistic. Yes she will get less time and attention. Yes talking about it with her father is likely to go badly.

She would be better to talk to someone outside the family - is there a school counsellor or similar she could access? Does she talk to her friends ? It’s clear that she feels able to talk to you about it - is that ok for you?

It’s ok for her to have feelings about this that are different from other family members. She’s 15 and she can stay with you more if she wants to - that’s her choice. Her father and SM will have to deal with it.

In reality I expect they will be glad of a bit of space when the baby is first born , so it might work out better for everyone.

My DD had a half-sibling from me at a similar age. It is of course unsettling but she totally embraced it, they have the closest relationship. She doesn't necessarily lose time with me - we do things together with her sibling or separately and my DH looks after her sibling. She dotes on my DS and he on her. It's been a great experience and could be for your DD as long as it's handled well. I don't however agree that she should stay with you until she gets her head around the situation. I don't see how that would help her at all - surely if she's worried about missing out on her dad (which is her reasoning) then she's going to miss out on him anyway.

Well dad sounds like a dickhead fir a start. Has he form for picking favorites between his kids? Might explain why she is so worried about his attention.

Also I'd be pissed to have twice with a baby at 15.

Let her stay with you.
Quality time with dad is better than quantity time.

*to have to live with

He sounds like an insensitive twat.

He doesn't get to dictate how much she stays.

Tell her she can stay with you as much as she wants and leave her father to settle into new baby life with his wife.

Encourage her to visit if and when she likes.

Protect her from being used as a babysitter when it suits them!

Realistically by the time it's born and got through 4th trimester etc your daughter is going to be at least 16, likely moving on to 6th form etc.

she's more than capable of deciding to live more with you and visit her dad on a weekend. She needs a good night sleep for school etc. step mum will probably be grateful to have one less person to look after.

She just needs to build her own life and focus on doing activities with her Dad that's appropriate. Get him to take her to uni open days etc. If he's been a good dad up to now he should understand her needs are very different to a new born.

Is she just worried about less time with her dad or is there something else do you think?

Been in a similar situation, DSD was about same age when my first DC was born and although she was nice she was adament she didn't want another sibling and didn't want anything to do with the baby. We just had to hope she would change her mind and tried to put her at ease as much as possible, but reality was the baby was coming and nothing could be done about that fact.

She didn't visit for 3 weeks after baby was born, but eventually her mother had a stern word (after obvioulsy listening and being there for her etc) and told her she had to visit.

She came over, with a little gift for baby actually. And after a chat with her dad went in the lounge and saw baby, picked him up and from that second on there were zero problems. she was devoted to him and now quite a few years later, they have a fantastic relationship.

She did admit she was just fearful she would be replaced in her fathers eyes, which she now knows was not the case.

So maybe just be there for her to talk through exactly what shes worried about, aside from the less time with her dad. And hopefully your outcome will be similar. Once she sees that that little tiny baby is not a threat to her in the least, she will be reassured.

Is the stepmum pregnant?

Also, just a thought, if her dad and stepmum are dismissing her concerns, can you have a word with them? Perhaps she is hiding alot of her feelings about it there and they are not aware of the full extent how she feels.

I don't know about the baby situation but I do have a close friend whose teen dd split time. One week with her, one week with Dad. She thought it was the right thing to do. As a later teen, her dd said she never felt settled and that she had a home. She was always shushed down with platitudes about having 2 home. She now really wished she had listened more and not tried to be so "fair".
Might it be that dd feels this and sees it as a way of coming full time to you?

Had this with DD1. I reassured her that he still loved her and encouraged her to keep going, rather than stay away, so she didn't feel isolated or uninvolved - I also told her it was fine to talk to me about it as I'd listen, not tell her off for being scared and if she preferred not to tell me, she should speak to x person at school/I could contact them and ask if they could support/be somebody for her to talk to.

How old was her elder sister when DD2 was born? Does she remember anything of the same kind of feelings that her younger sibling would be more important to you and receive more love? Could she and you (and perhaps their dad, if you still have an amicable relationship) discuss with her as a family that it didn’t happen then, and it won’t happen now - that a baby might need more immediate attention and care but it doesn’t equate to his elder children being loved less? I mean, it sounds in the face of it like the sort of conversation you’d have with a much younger child, but even though she’s 15, the way she’s feeling is still the very basic and childlike emotions of jealousy and loss.

I’d also gently keep encouraging her to spend time with them, even if at the moment she doesn’t feel she wants to. If she refuses to go and stay with them anymore and shows no interest in the pregnancy or arrival of the baby, then getting less of her dad’s attention and feeling sidelined is going to become a self fulfilling prophecy, isn’t it? Whilst in her head it might make sense, the adult phrase for it is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

My instinct would be to have a quiet word with her dad to say she is worried about being replaced in his affections, and it would only take a kind word or gesture here and there to reassure her that he still loves her.

I'd also let her know that she can be as involved with the new baby as she wants - if that's a weekly 2-minute bounce-on-the knee, then fine, if it's getting involved in bathing or feeding, then that's also fine. But I feel she needs to be the one to say how much or how little she wants to be involved, so that you don't risk her either feeling commanded or excluded.

Teens can feel very vulnerable about their parents' love for them, even at the best of times. She needs reassurance, and to feel wanted (in both homes), and that she and her feelings matter.

@Bookworm20

Is she just worried about less time with her dad or is there something else do you think?

Been in a similar situation, DSD was about same age when my first DC was born and although she was nice she was adament she didn't want another sibling and didn't want anything to do with the baby. We just had to hope she would change her mind and tried to put her at ease as much as possible, but reality was the baby was coming and nothing could be done about that fact.

She didn't visit for 3 weeks after baby was born, but eventually her mother had a stern word (after obvioulsy listening and being there for her etc) and told her she had to visit.

She came over, with a little gift for baby actually. And after a chat with her dad went in the lounge and saw baby, picked him up and from that second on there were zero problems. she was devoted to him and now quite a few years later, they have a fantastic relationship.

She did admit she was just fearful she would be replaced in her fathers eyes, which she now knows was not the case.

So maybe just be there for her to talk through exactly what shes worried about, aside from the less time with her dad. And hopefully your outcome will be similar. Once she sees that that little tiny baby is not a threat to her in the least, she will be reassured.

Thanks all for your comments, really appreciate your honesty. DD is a bit of a control freak so doesn't deal well with unexpected situations which is part of the problem but she's also in the middle of GCSE prep, so generally stressed out! Think Bookworm20 has a good point about being replaced, she ( and her sister when they were younger) felt very strongly about a child between SM and Ex feeling it would be a sign that Ex had moved on without them. Plus DD is going through the not liking babies and thinking they're messy phaseand, so doesn't want to have anything to do with the pregnancy . I gather SM has tried to involve DD but she doesn't want to , but then SM gets upset (which is understandable) and Ex gets upset with DD. But as I and DD's older sister have said she just needs to talk to her father on his own, so potentially less emotional and get it sorted!

@SpiderinaWingMirror

I don't know about the baby situation but I do have a close friend whose teen dd split time. One week with her, one week with Dad. She thought it was the right thing to do. As a later teen, her dd said she never felt settled and that she had a home. She was always shushed down with platitudes about having 2 home. She now really wished she had listened more and not tried to be so "fair". Might it be that dd feels this and sees it as a way of coming full time to you?

And, you're right about the whole two house thing, I have tried to be "fair" but actually it's really hard on DD, particularly as she feels she can't be herself at Ex's house, lots of upheaval every week. I don't feel I can say much as, particularly atm, it'll just sound like sour grapes. DD needs to talk about this too. Her older sister, doesn't consider Ex's house as her home, she always talks about going home, ie to my house, when she's at his house. I genuinely want her to be able to relax at home,, whichever one that is, but I think she puts on a front when at Ex's house, so as not to upset etc, but the whole baby situation has just brought everything into sharp focus for her.

His df is very much within his rights to have a family with his dp as you are entitled to. I remember my ds being put off with his dad having another 4 years after having the 1st. I reminded him his very much part of both families and kept it very positive, I never told them his feelings and once the baby arrived his insecurities melted away.

It's a tough one as I completely get how she feels, I'd feel the same. I wouldn't have even wanted my mum and dad to have another baby when I was that age, and they were together! I am worried about this too currently as I am pregnant and my SCs are 8 and 11, they don't know yet. Really hope they aren't upset, but am aware they could be.

DP is just going to tell them, alone, and then that's it - they can talk to us about it whenever they like, but I'm not going to try and 'encourage' them or involve them in any way. That's probably not helping your DD (from her SM and dad) as she'd probably rather not have to think about it every time she's with them.

The reality is that she will cope with it when the baby is here, and it's a lot easier to see things are ok when it's actually happening - but in the meantime, I think they just need to steer clear of the topic unless she brings it up, not go on about it around her, and just be normal.

As for her not going round there until she's got her head around it, I think this is a really bad idea as then she will just build it up. Best for her to continue as normal and be reassured by the usual routine. I think it's fine for her to prefer not to stay overnight when the baby arrives if she's worried it will disturb her, but I think everyone should impress on her how much she means to her dad and always will, and he still very much wants her to come as normal.

I honestly think the months in the run-up to a new baby are the hardest for the existing children, it's a massive unknown and causes a lot of new feelings. But hopefully when the actual baby is here and they get to build a relationship, as well as see that they will not be pushed out, things will be ok.

Ps. I'm not meaning that your ex and his DP should absolutely never mention the baby when your daughter is around, just that they should stop trying to get her excited or engage her in conversation about it to try and force positivity.

DD was born when DSC were early teens. We stayed with the usual pattern of residency which the kids were happy with too. They were curious about the baby but not interested in any of the yukky bits. They actually all get on really well. DD is now mid teens herself and the DSC are adults in their 20's. DD occasionally has a sleepover/shopping trip with her big sister which is super sweet.
Personally, I found becoming a parent made me a better step parent, but I can see how it can go the other way too.
Reassure your DD and maybe suggest to your ex that some changes to the pattern of residency might work for everyone when the baby comes but keep your options open for now?

It all depends on the father and and his new wife. If all the talk at their house is about the new baby, and if her DF gets not sees her within that family as opposed to spending 121 time with the DD, and if the DF and his wife "get upset" as you say, when DD says difficult things, then the DF is a shit.

Thanks All again, it's really reassuring to read all of your comments and thoughts.
I think DD will surprise herself when the baby actually arrives and I have not doubt that he/she will look up to her and think the world of her, which can only flatter a teenage ego!!?
Am keeping my thoughts about Ex to myself but comments from sairiegamp about DF may be right!?