The time to leave is here, how do I have the conversation?

[justsatfloating]

I'm looking for advice, I've finally got enough income, savings, my teens are 19&17 so almost no child support I've been waiting for 4-5 years for this to all happen.

And now the time is right, I've had some support and my decision to leave my husband is done in my head.

How did you do it??

Thing is he's a kind man, no abuse no major dramas I simply don't love him I haven't for quite a few years, he lost his job and didn't find a new one for 8 months and sat and watched me crumble around him trying to keep the roof over our heads. That's the point where I switched off, along with other traits, he is a past sex pest, a past lazy housework and lazy parent.. I managed to change that with explaining what he was doing and he took it all on board.

We haven't had sex for over 5 years, don't kiss, don't have much in common anymore, he has no motivation or drive and I just feel like I'm drifting around in his laid back get nothing done life.

I have passion, just not for him.

It's sad but I can't live like this anymore just a shell and with no real life.

I don't even want to replace him, I like my own company love my friends, my outside life my work.. I have a full life but I don't see the point anymore of stringing him along.

All I have now is the when? How far down the line do I get? Do I view houses for me? Do I get a rental do I just announce one day I'm out??

We have assets that will need selling so I've arranged valuations on days he is at work, but how far is too far before you'd let him know I'm ending the marriage?

He has largely suited himself and now you do the same.

Get legal advice.
If you do not wish to share the house after you tell him, have a rental to go to.

If you already do not share a bedroom, perhaps you can continue to share the house while it is sold.

Be calme, unemotional and final in your words.

If you no longer want to be married then you need to tell him that. It’s best not to get drawn into a debate about whether it is the right thing or the justified thing. Because if you have a list of grievances then so does he and you will end up slinging mud.

Break it into stages. When you say you want to split emotions will be high. It’s not the right time a talk about money and housing. By all means have a new place lined up and new bank accounts. Take proportionate steps to protect joint savings from a raid.

But don’t go into your plans for selling or splitting assets. That’s another conversation for when he is caught up. It’s really important that you don’t evoke fight or flight because that will only cause you problems further down the line.

I don’t see why you need to sneak in estate agents. They won’t give a better valuation then Zoopla and it will be academic at this stage anyway.

Great advice thank you so much, I believe calm and no we haven't slept in the same room for about 3 years now.

I use the snoring and broken sleep thing, but actually I can't stand him touching me in anyway, it just feels so wrong to me.

We live like friends and good friends at that but I just need to move on now and stop wasting his time and mine with something that won't be fixed.

The estate agents are due to the fact we are mid project so I just need to work out how much to spend to get it done faster vs dragging it out for sale.

Financial I'm the higher earner with full control, he's been lazy in that department as well and has no clue what's in any accounts.

Not that I won't split fairly but I'm at no risk in that department. It's me that drives everything in the family so that's why I'm so tired of dragging him along he gave up with any ambition many years ago as soon as he realised I was thriving.

So he's perfectly happy to be kept.

Just make sure there is equity across the two houses/financial spilt.

Your kids won't want to see either of you worse off.

It must feel dreadful knowing you have to have the conversation but equally beyond that, dare I say quite exciting!

@jeaux90 I agree I have no malice towards him at all, just indifference, so I'd want to see him ok and settled and honestly with someone who does love him. I'm wasting his time as much as my own.

That's the sensible, mature way of dealing with it. No accusations, no mudslinging, just facts. The marriage is dead and you want out, for both your sakes.

No advice but as a person with divorced parents I just wanted to say that you sound like you’re dealing with this in a really decent and mature way and your kids I think are lucky to have you as an example( of how to approach really difficult decisions and in how to prioritise yourself). Good luck with everything xx

Following with interest as this is my story in so many ways but I’m not as brave as you (and kids younger). Rooting for you !!

Thank you so kind.. I'm just in such a muddle I don't feel as calm as I may sound.

I just know the decision is right I'm just nervous and screwy if the conversation as once's it's said it can't be unsaid!

@Teenytinyflowers that's so lovely

*scared not screwy 🤣

You really haven't said what you think his reaction might be. Will he get angry and vindictive? Sad and tearful? Apathetic?

I think the less said the better; "John, I haven't been happy for years. I have decided that I want to separate. We need to talk about how we are going to handle what needs to be done".

You have to be definite, don't say 'I think' or 'It seems to me'. And keep it about you, don't say "we" or "you" say "I". The fewer reasons you give the better. Don't 'vomit up' every little reason and feeling in a rush to justify yourself. Remember JADE: Don't Justify, Apologize, Defend, Explain. You want to avoid him arguing with you about what you know to be true about yourself and your reasons.

Start that way, then you can decide how much more you want to talk about it, depending on his reaction.

It's tricky I'm not sure I can predict his reaction, I feel it would follow the pattern of grief, I think upset, confused, sad, desperate and then angry..

But he's a placid kind of person so I feel he would accept and be sad to be honest.

Is your 17 yo doing A levels? Planning Uni?

If so I would continue keeping the household together but keep on with your preparations, and then once the youngest goes to Uni put it all into practice. And say ‘we have done well to provide for our Dc but it is now time to regain our independence and go out separate ways’.

As above I would wait until your 17 yo is finished any exams etc. and settled into uni/work. My parents separated during my A levels year and it was incredibly disruptive. I really wished they had just put it off for one more year. After I was at uni I didn't care much at all as I was so consumed with my own life.

Good luck

@pleaseletmesleeptonight

It's tricky I'm not sure I can predict his reaction, I feel it would follow the pattern of grief, I think upset, confused, sad, desperate and then angry..

But he's a placid kind of person so I feel he would accept and be sad to be honest.

Well, as long as you don't think he'll react violently, then just proceed as I suggested.

I'm not in the UK, so I'm not 'up' on how the 'big' school exams work, exactly. But I think that generally the sooner a split happens, the better. But I suppose it if involves having to change schools with exams coming up, as long as there isn't discord in the home, waiting until they're over might be a consideration.

He's 18 really soon already has an unconditional uni offer which is why my brain started to click into gear as we are so so close to having them both flying the nest and are both pretty independent as well.

I've also just heard back from one estate agency and the sale would more than allow us both to live in a property each with space for the DS to stay and visit with friends and girlfriends so we'd both be able to stay in the area if he wanted too and afford a 2-3 bed each with small mortgages.

I keep feeling excited about the freedom and space and just feel light just taking about this move and new life, but then start to think am I just deluded.

But today we went out, and just bickered, and snipped and argued, it was a pretty boring outing to diy shops, but we didn't laugh or smile once it's all serious and boring and I really just want to escape and play my music and dance around my very own kitchen.

Even now we are totally separate rooms, separate bedrooms, just ok different pages and he doesn't even think it's wrong? Or ask why?

Speak to a family solicitor so you have an idea of what you’ll get. No fault divorce comes in next month 🎉 Decide where you will live while it happens
Then tell him. Don’t go into the why’s and where fore’s , no blame, just say that it’s not working for you and that you are going to divorce. Keep repeating that you will be divorcing.
Remember that it’s going to be a shock and he’ll need time to process it, you already have had time.

OP - have you had a name change mid thread ?