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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My heads all over the place

15 replies

Redhydro · 14/03/2022 20:11

Evening all,

This is my first post on here so please go easy on me 😊😊. I'm looking for some impartial advice.

I come out of a 20 year abusive relationship in 2020 as I had decided I'd had enough of my ex being manipulative, controlling and in general not a very nice person. It broke my heart when I left as I had to leave my 2 dogs with her. We dont have any children.

Last year I met a new lady who I'll call Tara and she made me feel alive again. She had 3 boys between the ages of 12 and 17 and we got on really well. Tara had a really difficult start in life, she was conceived when the mum was 13 and she was later adopted and was the only child in her new family. I believe it wasnt an easy upbringing as her new father was quite strict and wanted her to be the best at everything.

Tara married when she was 30, she brought 3 wonderful lads into this world but it turned out her husband had been having several affairs and she divorced him in 2016. She had a few unsuccessful relationships and then she met me in May 2021.

We got on great, I did lots of things for her round the house like laying a new patio, I did some work for her parents and everything was great until October last year. I went to see her as usual on a Wednesday night and she informed me that she couldn't have a relationship with me anymore !! I was obviously upset, she couldn't offer an explanation so I accepted it as that. The following Monday I had a huge message off her saying she was so sorry and that I meant the world to her !!

I accepted her apology and we resumed our relationship, until the same thing happened exactly a month later. I accepted her choice and I thought that would be the end of it.

However when she knew I was going on holiday a few weeks later, she messaged me to tell me to have a wonderful time and that I so deserved it. I received another message off her on Christmas eve saying I was often in her thoughts and to tell me to have a wonderful Christmas. The same thing happened on New Years Eve wishing me all the very best.

I'd not heard anything from her till last week and it knocked me sideways !!! She told me that she had twice tried to take her life, that she had a stay in a mental hospital. She has since been diagnosed with BPD, anxiety and depression and since I left her foster parents have been diagnosed with Cancer and Dementia which has knocked her for six.

She ended the last messages by sending me her love !!! I've messaged her to offer her my support and help to make sure she has a support network in place but she has declined my offer.

My head is all the place with this and I'm at a loss as to what to do. She tells me I'm often in her thoughts and she sends her love which has added to the confusion. Do I cut all ties with her and move on, I've tried having relationships since and I cant bring myself to have them as it's her I want. Do i be patient and wait for her to get better, it's possible then she might have moved on, I'm really at a loss as to what I should do. My biggest concern is if I do cut all ties with her, how would I feel if she committed suicide because of my actions. I'm really at a loss as to what to do and its wrecked my head to be honest.

Any suggestions please

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 14/03/2022 20:32

Block her.

britneyisfree · 14/03/2022 20:46

@SunflowerTed

Block her.

Ouch. But yeah maybe for the best.

Sonaftersonafterson · 14/03/2022 23:15

Don't block her. Seems pointless and a bit nasty.

She's messed you around, a lot, for whatever reasons. Some, like mental health or loss/grief/illness can be understood. Despite this, you say you still want her. Only her. You love her, clearly.

On that basis, keep the communication going. She isn't in the right headspace for a relationship at the moment but help her where you can and for as long as you feel comfortable, wait for her. Hopefully with support she will get better and think more clearly. If shes suffering, she will lash out , as she has done, by ending things with you when clearly, she doesnt want that.

I think patience is key here but dont allow her to control your life. Be open to meeting others and live your life.

GreyCarpet · 15/03/2022 06:54

Blocking her wouldn't be pointless and a bit nasty.

It would be the advice given to any woman who found herself in a similar position.

OP, she's a headfuck and you need to protect yourself.

EmergencyPoncho · 15/03/2022 07:01

If you maintain contact with her, and can't distance yourself, you'll never meet anyone else because you'll be too emotionally attached to her. She will keep you dangling for as long as she needs you. I'm not unsympathetic to her, but your life will be on hold till she next moves on. And it will go in cycles. She wants your support as you are steady and consistent but, and I'm sorry, she didn't want you enough before.

Blocking does seem harsh but to be honest if you don't, she'll always have a way in.

Watchkeys · 15/03/2022 09:26

Fundamental lesson for successful adulting: stay away from people who make you feel your head's a mess.

This is very very basic self care and very basic respect of your own feelings.

Nobody is responsible for another person's life or feelings (other than children's), and if you think you are, you need to look to yourself to work out why you feel this way. If you tell her to stay away from you, and that you never want to lay eyes on her again, and then she commits suicide, how would the suicide be your fault? It would be an action she took, that she could choose not to take.

SunflowerTed · 15/03/2022 13:47

@EmergencyPoncho

Blocking does seem harsh but to be honest if you don't, she'll always have a way in.

This.

AchillesPoirot · 15/03/2022 13:48

@EmergencyPoncho

Blocking does seem harsh but to be honest if you don't, she'll always have a way in.

This.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 15/03/2022 13:54

Maintaining contact is not going to be good for either of you. She obviously has issues she needs to focus her time and energy on them.

Itwasntmeright · 15/03/2022 14:04

Sorry OP, you need to block her for your own sake. She evidently has a lot of issues to sort out in her own head and you being dragged into it is not going to help either of you. You can’t sort this out for her and you shouldn’t try. Block her everywhere so you can both move on. There’s no happy ever after here, sorry.

2Gen · 15/03/2022 15:24

@EmergencyPoncho

Blocking does seem harsh but to be honest if you don't, she'll always have a way in.

I agree with this OP! She has been diagnosed with BPD. This is very sad but a huge red flag as personality disorders are not treatable and cannot be cured. I'm sorry. If you do not block her and grieve for what you had hoped the relationship could be, she will be pulling on your heart-strings and playing "push-me-pull you" indefinitely and this could ruin YOUR mental health! Our first responsibility is to ourselves and if we have children, to them. You need to start taking care of yourself OP as you are a giver and so are vulnerable to being taken advantage of. BDP sufferers are very needy, dramatic and labile, going from idolising people to passionately hating them and whilst they don't usually mean to cause harm, they can leave trails of destruction in their wakes. She needs professional input to learn to manage her PD but you can't help her AND IT'S NOT YOUR JOB ANYWAY! You want to be someone's partner, not their therapist, I hope? If she harms herself it will NOT be your fault and you cannot rescue someone from themselves anyway. My serious advice to you is to walk away from this poor lady and start learning to love and care for yourself before getting involved again. You can't help her, she will drag you down. I'm so sorry!

Original poster

Redhydro · 15/03/2022 21:06

Thank you to you all who have contributed to this thread. A lot of it makes complete sense and theres lots of points I agree with.

I am going to have to move on for my own sanity. Yes it's very sad but I think it's for the best and that I need to start looking after myself as my mental health well being will start to suffer as a result.

Looks like it's back to internet dating which I absolutely detest with a passion

OP posts:

EmergencyPoncho · 16/03/2022 08:32

Maybe have a break before internet dating? Just to let yourself get into the right frame of mind.

Marineboy67 · 16/03/2022 08:49

@EmergencyPoncho

Blocking does seem harsh but to be honest if you don't, she'll always have a way in.

This... her actions and decisions are not influenced and governed by you. In that if she did end her life you've offered to help & support her & that's all you can do. It may be more beneficial to give yourself some healing time and concentrate on yourself rather than moving on with dating etc. Especially when your heads all over the place.

EmergencyPoncho · 16/03/2022 09:04

You have offered support. You are not responsible for her actions. Give yourself a break.

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