I was with my boyfriend for nearly a year. I can honestly say I’ve never met anyone like him. The chemistry is insane, we are so close and I really thought he was the one and he said the same. It was such a lovely time honestly.
In the last 3 months I’ve had a few hiccups. I’ve been really struggling with work and it caused me to burn out. I also struggle with anxiety and recently got a diagnosis of OCD. I think with the burnout it maximised these symptoms hugely. I ruminate over what everyone thinks and beat myself up hugely because of my low self esteem. It got to the point in the last few weeks where I constantly asked my boyfriend for reassurance and nit picking if he didn’t say things in the same way etc. For example he could say something so loving but if he wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as before, I’d nit pick. It sounds pathetic and outside of the moment I’m fully aware of that.
He told me a few days ago that he said it can be draining, but leaving my side wasn’t an option and he understood it was only temporary and he would get me the help I need. I found a new job and we were really excited.
But I’m so pissed off at myself. We spoke at length about all these things I’d looked up to help myself and how he can help too. He seemed really happy that I was so self aware.
But then things came to a blow on Saturday night. I drunk way too much vodka and it was awful and I think where I hated myself so much for always putting my boyfriend down, I guess it just got too much.
He has some insecurities and got upset that a boy messaged me inappropriately (it was gross, and I blocked instantly). After this I don’t remember much but suddenly I was in my flat in hysterics, I head butted a wall at one point and I think I was attempting to hit myself. I think everything got on top of me. Not that it’s any consolation but I didn’t lay a finger on my boyfriend.
He called his parents, took his things and left. In the morning I drove to his, having barely remembered anything, and he told me that he can’t unsee what he saw and that he can’t get over it, and that he was done. This was Sunday morning and ive not heard a word since. He was cold and pretty much unresponsive. I think he’s done completely.
I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been and I’ve taken him for granted so so much. When I say he was an incredible support I mean it - he couldn’t have done more to support me. I know I need help and I think he would’ve stuck through it with me if I had just not been lazy and gotten the help I needed earlier before my burnout came to blows.
I’m absolutely fucking heartbroken and can’t stop blaming myself. It’s been an awful day, I broke down in tears on the way to work and a random lady invited me into her house for some water. I just feel like I’m falling apart and I’ve pushed away my one stable help