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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Utterly heartbroken and really messed up

14 replies

redflowersqq · 14/03/2022 17:16

I was with my boyfriend for nearly a year. I can honestly say I’ve never met anyone like him. The chemistry is insane, we are so close and I really thought he was the one and he said the same. It was such a lovely time honestly.

In the last 3 months I’ve had a few hiccups. I’ve been really struggling with work and it caused me to burn out. I also struggle with anxiety and recently got a diagnosis of OCD. I think with the burnout it maximised these symptoms hugely. I ruminate over what everyone thinks and beat myself up hugely because of my low self esteem. It got to the point in the last few weeks where I constantly asked my boyfriend for reassurance and nit picking if he didn’t say things in the same way etc. For example he could say something so loving but if he wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as before, I’d nit pick. It sounds pathetic and outside of the moment I’m fully aware of that.

He told me a few days ago that he said it can be draining, but leaving my side wasn’t an option and he understood it was only temporary and he would get me the help I need. I found a new job and we were really excited.

But I’m so pissed off at myself. We spoke at length about all these things I’d looked up to help myself and how he can help too. He seemed really happy that I was so self aware.

But then things came to a blow on Saturday night. I drunk way too much vodka and it was awful and I think where I hated myself so much for always putting my boyfriend down, I guess it just got too much.
He has some insecurities and got upset that a boy messaged me inappropriately (it was gross, and I blocked instantly). After this I don’t remember much but suddenly I was in my flat in hysterics, I head butted a wall at one point and I think I was attempting to hit myself. I think everything got on top of me. Not that it’s any consolation but I didn’t lay a finger on my boyfriend.

He called his parents, took his things and left. In the morning I drove to his, having barely remembered anything, and he told me that he can’t unsee what he saw and that he can’t get over it, and that he was done. This was Sunday morning and ive not heard a word since. He was cold and pretty much unresponsive. I think he’s done completely.

I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been and I’ve taken him for granted so so much. When I say he was an incredible support I mean it - he couldn’t have done more to support me. I know I need help and I think he would’ve stuck through it with me if I had just not been lazy and gotten the help I needed earlier before my burnout came to blows.

I’m absolutely fucking heartbroken and can’t stop blaming myself. It’s been an awful day, I broke down in tears on the way to work and a random lady invited me into her house for some water. I just feel like I’m falling apart and I’ve pushed away my one stable help

OP posts:
redflowersqq · 14/03/2022 17:17

Sorry typo, I didn’t mean “get me the help I need” I meant “be there through with the help I need”

OP posts:
Waterfordaston · 14/03/2022 17:20

Oh my word that must be very painful. All I can say is that it won’t always feel this bad. And he’s done the right thing FOR HIM, absolutely. One day when you’re in better shape you may get back together but for now, I think seeking counselling and giving up all alcohol would be good start points.

GeneLovesJezebel · 14/03/2022 17:20

Are you getting any help from your GP or anyone else ?

HellonHeels · 14/03/2022 17:21

This sounds very upsetting for you but sorry to say, your ex boyfriend has done the right thing.

Focus your energies on getting well and on the new job. Have you got medical help or therapy/counselling? Your mental and emotional state would benefit from it.

inmyslippers · 14/03/2022 17:22

Boyfriend can't fix your problems. Invest in therapy.

redflowersqq · 14/03/2022 17:22

It’s so painful as I know it’s all my fault and I wish I had just got the help I needed sooner. I’m currently starting therapy and they’re also suggesting an adhd assessment. I just wish I didn’t let him take the brunt of it all the time, I should’ve got professional help and given him a break and I’m so regretful

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/03/2022 17:25

OP,
That sounds very difficult and hard.

I think you really need to respect his decision that he has ended things.

I appreciate you are very disappointed and sad, but you really do need to respect his decision, however much you regret it.

It sounds as if he was very upset and frightened by your actions.

All you can do is focus on getting help from your GP and do everything to get as well as you can.

I am so sorry that things are so difficult for you.

Reach out to family and friends that will support you.
Flowers

redflowersqq · 14/03/2022 17:26

I’m just so regretful as, before things got tricky with work etc, we had the absolute best relationship. I truly believe that he is right for me and I wish I was well so that we could be together :(

OP posts:
Prettynails · 14/03/2022 17:27

@Waterfordaston

Oh my word that must be very painful. All I can say is that it won’t always feel this bad. And he’s done the right thing FOR HIM, absolutely. One day when you’re in better shape you may get back together but for now, I think seeking counselling and giving up all alcohol would be good start points.
This. Counselling. Talk to your employer etc get some help x
NotaCoolMum · 14/03/2022 17:30

I’m really sorry to read this op. I have OCD so I do understand. However this sentence really stuck out to me. “I just feel like I’m falling apart and I’ve pushed away my one stable help.”
He cannot and should not be your help. That has to come from you. Can I ask what professional help you’re getting now? 🌻

Sunseasun · 14/03/2022 19:14

Do you have much support other than him op?

SunflowerTed · 14/03/2022 21:25

He’s done the right thing for him. It’s best for you to accept it and let him go. Get the help you need and you’ll be in a much better place to have a respectful relationship in the future

Sonaftersonafterson · 14/03/2022 21:31

Give it time and give him space. Contacting him and being upset around him etc will make this worse.

Calmly and quietly take a step back. Your mental health is not great right now, work on that. When you are in a better place, reach out to him at that point.

CambsAlways · 14/03/2022 21:33

Like others have said he’s done the right thing for himself, yes I think you need to get some therapy and then you will be able to go forward

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