Hum-drum marriage

[maccheeseandpeas]

Where to start. Married 20 years, 3 DC. We are very much just housemates these days. We have a lovely house, we have fab holidays but we have no fun and we certainly don't laugh, we never have really. We don't have the same sense of humour. We don't argue, we just do our own thing. If we separate I would have to live in a shitty house, be very much poorer, not have the comforts I enjoy/look forward to now. I have tried many times to make an effort to improve things but I feel like he unknowingly throws it back in my face every single time. I don't want to meet anyone else, mentally I cant do the whole dating/new relationship thing (if it ever came to it). I always get hurt/too involved/too keen/get let down/dumped but that's another thread.

Just needed to vent

Ok?

Together 23 years. Married 14. It's boring. Don't quite know what to do, I'm sure he feels the same. DTs are 10. I feel you.

I don't want to meet anyone else, I want to hunker down with my kids and dog and not be answerable to anyone. I'm only 42.

If you don’t want to leave then you have two options, have an open conversation so you can try to improve things or come to terms with this being your life and find other ways to achieve fulfilment - friends,hobbies etc..

I couldn’t live like this though, would rather live in a shitty house and be happy !

I could have written so much of your post op.

I've gone for option two of melissasummerfield's post and looking at other ways to achieve fulfilment/have fun. I am engrossed in my hobbies/business/dcs/friends etc. I find this really helps.

I don't want to meet anyone else, I want to hunker down with my kids and dog and not be answerable to anyone. I'm only 42.

This too and I think the not wanting to meet anyone else makes it a lot simpler (and is probably far more realistic and less complicated with youngish dc).

I've never had the first option, so the second option doesn't sound too bad to me.
Probably your idea of 'shitty' isn't unbearable.
I would trade in the nice kitchen and the cool holidays (those I have had!) for love, fun, laughter and adventure every time.

.....but I'm going to be a lonely poor pensioner one day sooner than I know, so don't necessarily take my advice!

Remember the grass is greener where you water it.

As long as you are friendly and your household is a healthy place for all involved, a boring marriage isn’t really a problem, especially if children are involved.

Gilded cage syndrome!

@Alcemeg I had to Google that ! I'm not trapped in the sense that I have my freedom to go out/away whenever I want. But I am trapped by my very comfortable and easy lifestyle.

@99pronouns I would give up the nice kitchen and holidays if I was guaranteed laughter and fun. But i don't see that ahead of me. I would stand to lose some of my social circle (Hs couple friends), I could hardly go out as 1 child would be with me every night (SEN, he would refuse to go to his dads). I would still be doing it all as I do now, except with one less child (H) and £4k a month worse off.
I couldn't do a new relationship coz of what I said in my original post. But, I would like the butterfly's/excitement of it. And to meet someone who makes conversation. I do silly things at home, just messing about and my H is like 'wtf are you doing'. He only likes what he knows (beer/tv/gaming) and knows what he likes. That is literally all.
@nearlyspringyay & @capricornbracelet sending you hugs

Doesn't sound like there's enough reason to leave.
Lots of couples wait until their children have flown the nest until they start thinking ' is this it? '.

There's always a chance to leave, doesn't sound like you really want to go right now.

maccheeseandpeas

I have reached the same conclusion as you - and it sounds as if we have had similar thought processes and looked at the bigger picture (I also have a child with SEN). I also have freedom to go out but I am trapped by the comfortable lifestyle (and bearing dc in mind with this as it would be different if it was just me). I also have very little support in real life which makes things on a practical level, more difficult especially as dc are young.

I would give up the nice kitchen and holidays if I was guaranteed laughter and fun. But i don't see that ahead of me.

This also, like you I don't see this happening in my immediate future.

I came to the conclusion I need to focus on improving my life in other ways - through developing my interests/work/friends and having fun with dc. I currently feel fairly busy in life developing all of this and I think it makes my relationship problems far more bearable as it becomes one aspect of my life (okay it is still a big aspect - or should be) but it is not a sole focus if that makes sense.