Loneliness as a single parent

[AHungryCaterpillar]

Does anyone else feel lonely as a single parent? I don’t know if it’s just me but whenever I go to places I seem to be the only one there on my own, always see families or groups of friends but don’t really see any other parents on their own. For example took my kids to soft play yesterday and I was the only one in there on my own (it was hard not to notice) Even the woman when I paid said “just the one adult?” I don’t know where all the other single parents go.. I can’t even meet anyone or date as I’m a lone parent, I’ve honestly never felt so lonely or isolated as I do as a parent, I can go for days without speaking to another adult. before kids and I was alone and single I never felt like this (probably because I didn’t go to places aimed at families) I have a couple of friends but they don’t have children so don’t want to come to places and I rarely see them now, and I am not close with my family. I’ve been single a long time so it’s not that I am not use to it I guess I didn’t know just how lonely it would be, it’s very isolating I dread days out. Everywhere I go there are families even if it’s not couples it’s extended families like aunties grandparents etc

I know. It was the same for me when my DD was very young.

I was just replying on another thread about loneliness but honestly you just have to allow yourself to feel it and get through the other side.

My loneliness was the key to my resilience longer term. It turned from loneliness to being comfortable in my own company, which then turned into the fact I have no need to compromise. No need to be in a shit relationship because I'm ok on my own.

When they start school it's easier to start making friends again. Getting more involved in school things or local groups.

Forgot to say, my DD is 12, I've been a lone parent since she was 1.

Yes it's very, very normal and difficult. I found a few things that helped 1) joining the frolo app for single parents 2) joining woodcraft folk as they do family camping holidays in summer 3) Meeting another single mother with 1 DD who I get on well with 4) I have starting seeing a guy with 2 kids so hopefully we can do things together one day. Not rushing it however and I am fortunate to have childcare once a week.

It's the worst when your children are small. It's not much consolation to you now, but that feeling of being a misshapen jigsaw piece in a society aimed at families, it becomes less over time, as the children become more independent, you've leaned back in to your job more, a number of ''happy families'' have split up over the years ................

This is no use to you right now. But I just wanted you to know that it gets a lot better.

xx

There is something particularly lonely about days out, I totally get you. Now I don't really do days out, I put my DD in classs instead if I can. But definitely woodcraft folk has been amazing, there is always something in the diary like camping weekends or end of term things. And it's cheap to attend.

@jeaux90

''My loneliness was the key to my resilience longer term. It turned from loneliness to being comfortable in my own company, which then turned into the fact I have no need to compromise. No need to be in a shit relationship because I'm ok on my own.''

So true. As hard as it is @AHungryCaterpillar sit with the feelings of loneliness. Acknowledge that this is difficult. Acknowledge that what you feel is loneliness but it's universal and other people have felt it but these feelings can be temporary and they don't define you.

I really recommend self-compassion. It teaches you how to be your own well. If you like.

Kristen Neff Phd and Christopher Germer phd have a very good self-compassion work book which will encourage you to show yourself self-compassion. You may think, what I need is company of others, not self anything, but this practice of self-compassion has helped me a lot.

My kids aren’t little they are 4-10 so they are at school but I’ve never managed to make friends that way, it’s actually something everyone said would happen...you will make loads of mum friends when they go to school but... nothing. Their school isn’t overly friendly and I’ve not made any mum friends. I’ve been on my own a Long time so it’s not a new feeling, it’s been 5 years but as time goes on I find myself becoming more and more lonely. It’s not so bad day to day it’s more days out which are very family orientated that I notice it more. When I was single and pre kids I never felt lonely people say how can you be lonely when you have kids you are never lonely But I honestly think it’s a new level of loneliness, I dread days out.

@ahungrycaterpillar

It is really difficult to meet other single parents - don't beat yourself up. Also if you dread days out can you avoid them or do something different? Do whatever it takes to make your life easier. It's horrible feeling an odd one out in a world of happy families. But I think as a PP mentioned, acceptance is some ways is a way forward.

That sounds so hard. You're at a really tough stage. Forget about the days out. You don't have to participate in anything that makes you feel bad.

Alternatively your subconscious might be telling you to look for ways to change things?

Which is easier said than done of course x

Saturday was because it was my sons birthday so had to take him out my other sons birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and he wants to go to a certain restaurant but I hate sitting their on my own with my kids but I can’t let him down. Otherwise generally I do try to avoid them.

Ah I do totally get it, I also didn't make many mum friends at school but it's mainly down to the fact I'm always working and never had time to talk after drop off etc

The thing that made the weekends easier were things like planning trips where I was active rather than observing. National trust gardens, walks, gardening, swimming, trampoline parks, baking, movie nights.

But it doesn't get away from the fact that you need to stop making loneliness a burden. You need to get through the other side of that, acknowledging your resilience and capability to do this on your own.

Self care is important. Looking after yourself feels good.

@AHungryCaterpillar

Saturday was because it was my sons birthday so had to take him out my other sons birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and he wants to go to a certain restaurant but I hate sitting their on my own with my kids but I can’t let him down. Otherwise generally I do try to avoid them.

I know as another poster said, it's not ''easy'' but next time you are sitting there on your own surrounded by families, re-frame it.

''I am brave enough to do this on my own''.

''Not everybody can do this all on their own''.

Instead of feeling ''less than'' flip it around so that you're more than.

I realise that that could sound a bit 'narc' but I mean ''more than'' in this particular situation, where the challenge lies right NOW.

It's required of you that you on your own bring your two children to a family orientated place and that can be uncomfortable. but you met that challenge. you have met every challenge you have face and survived so far. You're not ''less than''. Because you're doing all of what most women do about 50% of. --80% let's be honest married women rarely get as much help as we're imagining when we feel low''

When I tell somebody I'm a single parent now, I do feel proud to be honest so re-framing your thoughts does work. Not overnight, it's not a magic wand but my advice is while your dc are at school start looking in to ways to reframe things so that eventually, your thoughts just lift you instead of sinking you.

I agree with @lurking9to5. I feel proud I'm a single parent and can do it by myself. Its taken a lot of internal work to be able to say that. Be proud you're raising kids single handedly, no one is judging you. Theyre too wrapped up in their own business.

Thank you, I wish I could feel proud but no I often feel embarrassed 😞 sounds bad but it’s just things family have said that make me feel that way. Maybe one day I could. It was suggested by other single parents that I approach the groups when I’m out and make friends with them I mean does anyone actually do that stuff? There’s no way I would approach a group of friends just because I’m at the same place as them. Would be so odd!

@Lurking9to5 nice post totally agree.

OP you have nothing to be embarrassed about. The only person who should feel shame is your ex.

Your kids when they are adults will be telling their mates what an amazing mum you are because you did it all on your own.

jeaux90 thank you

I'm a single mother by choice (IVF with a sperm donor) so have effectively chosen to be a single parent.

I like what @jeaux90 has said as well as@Lurking9to5

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and I can relate to these feelings somewhat because I only became a parent aged almost 40, and my son is 3 months old now, so I'm in the thick of it!

I had spent most of my adult life doing as I please, but to be honest the isolation and not being anyone's priority was bothering me. It was a different sort of loneliness. Too much freedom and being frustrated by that!

I'm not envious of these 'seemingly happy families' ...I see compromises that most likely needed to be made by having a partner. Are most partners equal when parenting? I doubt it. I parent how I want. My time (when I get it is mine), and I'm not resentful of any one for not doing their fair share in the home.

I think it's a case of owning your feelings for now, but it really won't be like this forever.

What else do you envisage in your future? Studying? Changing jobs/careers? What excites YOU?

I’m not working at the moment had to give that up as my daughter the oldest is disabled and will be home ed from September so I guess that doesn’t help the feelings of isolation as I don’t even speak to people through work etc

I'm sorry op, there might be other home-schooling families you can link up with? Although that depends on your child's needs/disabilities I guess.
Do you have any child free time to join a Zumba class or similar?

I’m going to join some Facebook home Ed groups I have heard they do meet ups so will see how that goes.

Only free time atm is when they are at school (they have no contact with their father, his choice)

Our culture is so unsuitable for single parents. When we have young children, it's the time we most need a tribe. Instead we live in isolation, when we are a social species. It's cruel and not great for children to have unhappy, lonely parents.
We badly need to move away from this model. I wonder what that would take.

OP I hear you. I've been a single parent since my 3 DC were little.

I work full-time, so it's easier for me as that's an outlet. But while I'm 'friendly' with lots of people, I don't really have true friends.

I have always, and still do, hate times & events were family seems central eg Sunday afternoons, Christmas & run up to it, holidays.

I live in a very homogenous area - everyone married with DC, very little variation to that.

I've become used to the fact that people don't 'get it' & like PPs say, I just try to acknowledge the loneliness. I'm always lonely, really.

It seems extra challenging for you, with your DD's situation. Is there any support you can access, especially around the home ed part?

Wishing you well 💐

I was a single parent to my eldest for 7 years, then after my two younger children came along, DH started to work in an industry which mainly operates at weekends and during the school holidays.

We did a lot of youth hostelling; lots of trips to the beach; hill walks; camping; swimming etc. It was easier to do stuff where I wasn’t just watching them iyswim? If I was actively involved, I didn’t feel as awkward. My DD has learning disabilities, and needs lots of support to access the same stuff as her brother. Outdoor activities were easier for that.

Good luck.