How do I handle this? DH drinking

[Functioningnot]

Hi. Just had a bad weekend and don’t know what to do going forward.
DH always had problems with alcohol but I naively thought it would be fine as day to day he’s fine. Recent cumulation of events has made me reassess.
Everything he does centres around alcohol. Wine or beer with every meal gives him a base of 32 units per week. Going out binging (approx once a month - less during Covid but now increasing again) adds more. His friends all drink heavily. I’ve always hated going to weddings, parties etc with them. He doesn’t do anything with me that doesn’t involve alcohol eg cinema, theatre, music night out.
We have 3 DC under 12 and he’s great with them. 2 weeks ago he came in really drunk, falling over etc and they saw him. We had a talk (not for the first time), he said he felt awful etc. Did it again on Sat, though the DC were asleep when he came in this time thankfully.
Next day he gets up, cleans house, cooks dinner etc. This is what he always does to make up (or keep me quiet). I wouldn’t eat dinner with him and didn’t speak to him yesterday or this morning. The silent treatment so the atmosphere in the house is terrible. The DC I’m sure have picked up on it.
But what do I do? If I eat dinner with him and chat to him then he thinks it’s all fine and he carries on drinking. Talking does nothing. Ignoring him is awful for everyone. Leave him? The DC would be devastated and it would be a major major upheaval. I just don’t know.

When I was a child I stayed with an aunt in the summer for a while. Her DH was like mine. Lovely when sober but drank every single weekend. She was lonely. She told me never to marry a man who had a drink problem but here I am.

Sorry to hear this op. I left my marriage with a functioning, nice, social alcoholic.
I would recommend trying al anon as a start for getting support for yourself. Therapy for you/ as a couple/ family too if you can. The children witnessing this is no good for them. Also are you really attracted to a man who behaves this way? I know I wasn't.

If you were a man giving the silent treatment you would be told it’s abusive, so I don’t see that it’s any different when a woman does it. It’s also childish and pointless and will achieve precisely nothing. All that aside I can absolutely see why you’re angry and concerned. The problem is that your DH has a drink issue, so nothing you do will make any difference, he needs to be the one to decide to do something about it. It’s up to you how much of this you want to put up with, but be sure of one thing, if you give him ultimatums then you need to stick to them. I’m sorry I can’t be of any more help.

Your partner will not and cannot curtail or stop his drinking habits unless he wants to. I'm so sorry but it's unlikely he will change at the moment. You could try shock tactics and have a talk saying his drinking is destroying your relationship, upsetting your DC and you can't tolerate it. I'm sure you've already offered support but you could try again and make clear change needs to happen.

Is there something underlying that he needs support with, why is he drinking like this?

Brace yourself for walking away and start getting advice and support for yourself so that if you do you will know what lies ahead.

None of this is your fault, it's a sad situation that you both might be able to overcome if he commits 100% to getting help with his drinking patterns and exploring the causes of overdrinking.

Dont ignore and give the silent treatment for the kids sake. If your really angry get out of his way go out for a walk ect. You need to address it every single time. Away from the kids. Say it's making you unhappy. You wont stay with him if it keeps on. It will be affecting his health. You cant make him stop but you cant make it clear you arent happy with it.

Can make it

I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it

This is the mantra.

The only person who can do anything about his drinking is your DH. It’s not fair on you and the children to have to live with this situation but it’s up to you to decide whether you want to put up with it but what is worse for the children - asking him to leave or them seeing their father falling down drunk? The situation will only get worse.
Personally, I would ask him to leave and say he can come back when he has been to rehab and is sober. It’s easy to give other people advice but, yes, I gave DH the choice of drink or me.

My dad was like this op. I could sense my mother's coldness towards my father after a drinking session. It was horrible as I didn't understand why she was cross with him.

If he's not ready to accept and engage with support you need to leave. I married an alcoholic , largely because it was normalised when I was a child , my children have cut contact with their father due to his issues. You need to break the cycle.

You cannot give him ‘the silent treatment’ because that creates - as you say - a terrible atmosphere, which compounds the issue for your children.

You cannot force him to do anything, by the silent treatment or by a blazing row or by heartfelt pleas. He has to decide for himself to change and stop drinking. This is very hard to do.

What you can do is decide what you’re willing to put up with, and what your line in the sand is. And then make a plan and stick to it. Tell him what the line is. Stick to it.

It won’t be fun or easy. He has to believe that his drinking is as much of a problem as you do. Without consequences he probably doesn’t believe it’s a problem. Yet.

He’s an alcoholic and this will just get worse and worse. Al Anon as PP says can help. And a very honest talk with him.

Thank you.
I know I can’t change him. He’s had an alcohol habit for years but the DC are only now noticing. No underlying issues, he is perfectly happy with it all. His family drinks a lot socially and so do his closest friends. He sees nothing wrong with it. He functions very highly by day.
Ive never been happy with it but things were ok. Until I saw the DC noticing. And recently I realised for the first time that ALL of his plans revolve around drink. I had thought it was just sometimes but it’s every day and always.
No, the silent treatment was awful for the DC. Regarding him, he knows why I’m doing it - because talking to him is like talking to the wall. He agrees with what I say, then it’s like the conversation never happened. But I can’t do it again with the DC there.
I’m at work today so don’t have to see him and we are due to visit my parents later this week - I’m going to ask him not to join us so we have a break for a few days.
Long term I just don’t know what to do.

Would he attend counselling with you?

Also does he know how serious this is? Sometimes you need to explain to them and make it crystal clear that you're not just a bit annoyed, you're actually considering leaving them.

So explain calmly and away from kids. "Your drinking is negatively affecting me and the children. You need to change. This is a very big issue for me - on a scale of 1 to 10, this is a 10. I've considered leaving you over this."

Sometimes they just think you're a bit annoyed and don't understand the severity.

@D0lphine

Would he attend counselling with you?

Also does he know how serious this is? Sometimes you need to explain to them and make it crystal clear that you're not just a bit annoyed, you're actually considering leaving them.

So explain calmly and away from kids. "Your drinking is negatively affecting me and the children. You need to change. This is a very big issue for me - on a scale of 1 to 10, this is a 10. I've considered leaving you over this."

Sometimes they just think you're a bit annoyed and don't understand the severity.

While not giving any ultimatums I have more or less said this. He apologises and says he feels terrible and it won’t happen again. Then he does it again. He drinks every day - I hadn’t realised how much. Minimum 2 glasses of wine or 2 bottles of beer EVERY day - but that’s just the baseline. Every single social or sporting event on top of that involves alcohol. I have thought that I’ll ask him not to be drunk in front of the DC and we’ll carry in until they’re old enough to be doing their own thing - then I’ll accept a job away from home or go on a trip and just never come properly back. No ultimatums, no drama. Just leave him that way.

Re your comment:-
"I have thought that I’ll ask him not to be drunk in front of the DC and we’ll carry in until they’re old enough to be doing their own thing - then I’ll accept a job away from home or go on a trip and just never come properly back. No ultimatums, no drama. Just leave him that way."

Please do not do any of the above; it will not at all work and the DC also will be subjected to more drunkenness from their dad in those intervening years. Why should they further carry this burden re you and he carrying on until they are supposedly old enough to do their own thing?. Not all DC leave home at 18 to go to university and if you were to separate them you would further pull the rug out from underneath their lives. Waiting for the children to go off to college/uni and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Ultimately you need to divorce your alcoholic husband. His primary relationship is with alcohol; its neither with your or the kids. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

What are your children going to remember about their own childhoods?. You're also preoccupied with him and his drinking too.
It is doing your kids and you no favours at all to be in such an environment and alcoholism is not also called the "family disease" for nothing. You are all affected by his alcoholism and you as his spouse are doing the usual roles associated with such people; namely codependent partner, provoker and enabler.

Thanks for all your comments.
Can’t believe what situation I’ve got myself into.

Al-anon are well worth contacting for your own self. You can only help your own self as well as your children.

Look at what they are hearing and seeing at home; its certainly far more than you realise. And no, he is not great with the kids either. What did you learn about relationships and what are your children learning about relationships now?.

Your dc think drinking like this is normal. Staying means accepting that they may also behave similarly with alcohol. Not sure I’d stay in similar circumstances but only you know what to do about it

It's all been said by the wise voices on this thread - for your DC's sake and your own, you need to end this marriage. Devastating or not, you have no other options if your DH won't change. And he's shown that he isn't ready to change.

The other thing is that functioning alcoholics tend to become non-functioning alcoholics - there are exceptions, but they are the minority.

As a first step, seek support from an organisation that provides help for people living with alcoholics. That will help you work out what you want your life to be and make you feel so much less alone. list here.

I can tell you from personal experience that life without an alcoholic in it is infinitely better.

Does he buy the drink? If not, I would stop buying any and ditch what is in the house.
He’s normalising daily drinking. It might be just because it’s there. If it wasn’t there, would he go out that evening and buy it?

He buys the house drink. I never buy drink and rarely drink myself. Mostly he buys quite nice bottles of wine in bulk. He doesn’t binge on them. Just 2 glasses per day with dinner. Every dinner.
Then he might have a bottle of beer later while watching tv.
1-2 evenings a week he “pops to the shops” and stops into the pub for a pint or two.
On at least one weekend night he’ll officially go to the pub.
On a Sunday he takes the DC to visit his mum and they drink beer or wine while chatting (only recently has this occurred to me).
Then about once a month or so he’ll go out with his mates after football or to watch a match etc and he comes home drunk. Tells me he only has 2-3 pints but clearly this is rubbish.
I only added up all this recently and can’t believe it.

My dgd was an alcoholic. He died when i was 2.
But my whole life has been affected by him because my dm shows nearly every symptom of being the adult child of an alcoholic parent.
Look it up.
It's awful.
My dm is 86 now. Its too late for her to change.
It's not too late for your dc and their dc though.

His drinking sounds similar to exh's 15 years ago. He's got much worse since. My son is refusing to go to his dad's now as the last time he went his dad made him bring his laptop to the pub. Apparently ds's homework was in danger of ruining his drinking session. He only saw his dad 4 days per month , and he couldn't stay sober for those contact days.

I'm glad you're taking some time to think op. I know this all feels impossible right now.

He’s an alcoholic. Call it what it is, you are doing no one any favours by tiptoeing round it.

Sounds like he also drives whilst over the limit. Does he need his car for work or anything?

Has he looked into any AA meetings or is he in denial about being an alcoholic

Hello there, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Just to give you a slightly different perspective - I was married to an alcoholic who did change. But it was a very very long road. Like you I started off thinking he just drank a bit too much but after two kids it got way worse, drink hidden around the house, lots of lying to me, remorse, promises to change etc. it was hell on earth. He also made me believe it was my fault - he drank because I nagged him, because I didn't love him enough, becuase I didn't understand the pressure he was under. I couldn't believe the man I had married and loved to bits had changed so I went along with him and moved heaven and earth to help. NOTHING I did mattered. He just kept drinking. In fact looking back, I think I was faciliating his drinking - i was doing all the childcare, all the house admin, keeping my own job going, making everything look perfect - while he drank. Anyway long story short he did stop drinking but he had to make the decision himself. Nothing I did mattered. He reached the fabled 'rock bottom' and entered rehab. He hasn't had a drink now for 6 years. Life is not perfect... he killed a lot of the love I had for him in those years. But he is now sober which is huge. But he had to make the decision and it was agony.
What really helped me was telling people. I was hiding it for so long like it was my secret, my shame. Covering up for him, ringing his job, lying to his parents. Eventually i cracked and told my best friend and she was brilliant. She made me see it wasn't my problem to hide. Once I started telling people he could see the change in me. He went completely off the rails ... nearly died from withdrawal - but eventually checked himself into hospital.
So the things I've learned are - you didn't cause it, you can't change it, or fix it. You have to mind yourself. Let others in - tell a good friend or close family member that you are worried. Don't keep it all locked up inside you because you get locked into his thinking.
Also - if you think there is a problem there usually is.
I wish you all the luck in the world. I chose to stick with him and it hasn't been easy. But that's a whole other story...

@Functioningnot

Thanks for all your comments. Can’t believe what situation I’ve got myself into.

Talking does nothing

Alcohol is more important to him than maintaining your relationship or providing your kids with a healthy, emotionally consistent atmosphere.

Don't worry about how you've got into this situation; it doesn't matter. Every single one of us has, at some point, felt that we should have done things differently; there's nothing special about you on that score.

The responsible thing to do is to take your children and yourself away from the toxicity of alcohol addiction. It may involve upheaval, but demonstrating to them that the right thing to do is to leave unhealthy situations will be a lesson that stands them in very good stead for their own adult lives. Staying would demonstrate that you only leave if it's easy. That's not a lesson you want to teach them. Would you want them to stay in a relationship with someone who didn't prioritise them because leaving would make their life temporarily more messy? Or would you want them to leave, and rebuild themselves?

Demonstrate to them the thing that you would want them to do, if they were in your situation.