What are the practicalities of marriage breakdown?

[likeafishneedsabike]

Sadly, this seems to be the end of the road for DH and me after 14 years of marriage and 2 kids (now pre teens).
He initiated things but we have both admitted that we are unhappy. He has admitted that he no longer loves me - despite liking me and still fancying me - and I have admitted that his failures as an equal parent have built up a lot of resentment in me. It does get tiring to be the only proper adult in the house when we both have insanely demanding jobs and two DC.
So that’s the background. Can anyone help me with the practicalities of a marriage split? We have a small joint mortgage on the family home. I get the impression that either

1. one of us buys the other out
2. we sell the house and both buy new places.
3. one of us moves out and rents while the family home is sold.

Does anyone have any experience and some wisdom to offer me at this crossroads? I have spent the night trawling old relationships threads and I got a lot from them, but would love to interact with someone directly.

I’m in the middle of it so not sure if it’s perfect advice cos It’s not done yet but assuming you’re ’amicable’…

One of you needs to move out for everyone’s sanity! However amicable you are right now you’ll both need space as emotions will be all over the place.

Don’t stop the one who’s moved out coming back to the family home to to normal parenting stuff with the kids until they have somewhere to live with them - but the parent that did sty should bugger off when they’re there.

Don’t fight in front of the kids…don’t fight at all if possible. Remember to be kind to each other as you’re both going through a massive change.

Ignore what they do in their free time and who they do it with.

Try to see it through the eyes of your kids.

Good luck!

Really helpful advice that I needed. So I get it. One of us needs to make ourselves scarce - just to a little one bedder or something - while the permanent living solutions are worked out. Is that what you mean?
I’m dreading tonight’s family dinner. Would rather bugger off while he spends time with the kids or that he wasn’t there if I’m spending time with them.
Thanks for replying.

I think so, yeh. I’m at my parents at the moment just round the corner until my house is sorted, hopefully in the next few weeks as the permanent solution. I think doing the whole nesting thing where you both rent a small place and take it in turns to stay in the family house could work as well as a temp solution. Would need to work at it together tho.

You say about dinner and that’s exactly it. If you can go somewhere when he’s there it means none of that tension is there and you can just do a nice hi and bye at the end of it. Much less space for arguements discussion.

Be careful not to compromise your rights: you can find out what they are by googling divorce information services. That should give you some ideas about staying in the family home, and so on. A lot of that depends on what finances are available and only you know that.

Get and keep copies of financial info in case you instruct lawyers. Guilt and other emotions mean that you can start off well, and I hope continue well and amicably. However if things turn sour for whatever reason, it’s as well to understand your assets and liabilities and also your rights and responsibilities.

I know people who understand that it’s best for the person living elsewhere to have access to the house and the children in the house, but it can take a toll in the end, especially if there are other underlying resentments. Essentially the home parent is taking on all the responsibilities so the other parent can visit and never lift a finger. When you are hammering out arrangements do have an eye to how things might feel in 6 months. Good luck OP

Thanks @Another2022 and @Theoscargoesto
I really, really don’t fancy staying in the family home while he lives elsewhere and comes to visit the children. A lot of our troubles stem from my resentments about lack of equality in parenting ……so that arrangement would just about finish me off.
DH is very keen on the nesting suggestion for the initial period of separation while the dust settles. We just have to look at whether renting a place for the next year-ish would be financially viable.
Divorce seems like an insurmountable admin and organisation mountain at this point - one that I didn’t even know I would have to climb until a few days ago.

I love the nesting idea. Occasionally my ex stays at my house (former family home) and I go away for the week, so there’s no upheaval for the kids. As a permanent arrangement this would work well as long as both parents keep the place neat and tidy, pull their weight with the kids and house stuff and also are both respectful of each other re guests in the other place etc. Finding someone else’s knickers in the bed at the apartment might be enough to put you off the idea.

I agree though, either way, someone needs to find somewhere else to go. The part in between deciding to split and him actually moving out was the hardest and it really dragged. I remember trying to force my dinner down past the lump in my throat, holding back tears, and he asked why I was so angry - I ended up just shouting at him to F off. Not good for the DCs

It’s a long drawn out process to find the right balance for you all, but as long as you both put the DCs first you’ll work it out.

@RoyKentsChestHair thank you.
Funny how dinner seems to be the flash point for us both!
Luckily STBXH and I have similar standards of housework so that shouldn’t be a problem in either property. (Must be a nightmare to keep track of what’s in the fridge, mind you!)
The ‘guest’ thing is very relevant, though. I have done some reading on Psychology Today which indicated that once other adults are involved, the nesting gig could be up. Not up for the knickers scenario as you say.
We have also agreed a weekly ‘duty pattern’ taking account of work schedules. So that’s a positive step.

Agreed, I’ve asked my ex not to have men over until I’ve got my new place and I’m still about. She says she’ll respect that. Personally I’d steer clear of any talk about each other’s love lives. We’re both seeing other people but def not at the stage where any of it is discussed! I’m basically trying to get through this stage with the minimum interaction and then thinking about any long term platonic relationship.

I always clean the house when I’ve been there so it’s always left nice for when she’s got back from wherever she goes. I can imagine it wouldn’t work if I just left it a mess.

It’s lots of admin and stress and ups and downs until it’s all resolved but if you can agree things like ‘duty patterns’ that’s encouraging.