*Trigger warning** DD keeps saying she doesn't want to be here

[Springawake1]

She's almost 10. Generally happy 99.9% of the time. We know her hormones are kicking in too.
Last week there was an incident whereby her friend called her a name. She got upset and told the teacher that she doesn't want to be here anymore and should kill herself.
She's never used this language before.
She came home and was absolutely fine, smiley, happy, not withdrawn.
DD does seek attention quite alot. Either good or bad attention. I love her but it can be quite draining. Obviously I'm getting help and calling the doctor about what she said but I've come to realise there's now a pattern of behaviour when I told her off for giving me attitude or doing something she shouldn't.
I don't shout or anything all I said is please don't be rude, otherwise there will be a consequence eg. No screen time no pudding.
However whenever I do this, she gets annoyed and says we'll maybe I shouldn't be here, I'll just go kill myself.
So I'm finding it hard to decide if she really means it or if she's doing it for attention or to deflect for being told off.

What should I do?

Sorry for spelling errors

You've done the right thing to seek professional help, but it does sound as if she's using it as a manipulation/attention seeking strategy, from the example you've given.

I'd sit her down and ask her how she feels when she says that, and what she wants to be the outcome.

It may be that she's seen or read someone say this and doesn't really have any understanding of its impact.

Sadly catastrophising language isn’t often as contrived as it sounds. To us it’s melodramatic but they often really do have this inner monologue of everything is pointless etc that they’ll carry with them into adult life - even if it starts as mimicry etc, there comes a point when even they can’t really tell the difference.

Yes I think you just have to take it at face value to be honest. Dealing with it when it she says it is awful I know but what you need to tackle are the feelings that are probably there under the surface most of the time and come out when upsetting things happen.

Definitely professional help but also outside that lots of attention, one to one chats, and activities that make her feel good - I think non-competitive outdoor pursuits are brilliant for this, or anything that is active but you don't have to be the 'best' at.

It is upsetting but it's not necessarily actual suicidal thoughts, more an expression of feeling worthless/drab inside. Life is a challenge for everyone just now I think.

Nobody is happy 100% of the time.
Women/Girls are supposed to have a smile plastered on our faces all the time and never be angry, hurt, frustrated about anything.

We get punished for having normal feelings and push them down inside which leads to depression, anxiety, self harm

When was the last time you looked at what she was doing online?

How is her relationship with the rest of the family (and you, it goes without saying)? How is she with dad?

@RantyAunty

Nobody is happy 100% of the time. Women/Girls are supposed to have a smile plastered on our faces all the time and never be angry, hurt, frustrated about anything.

We get punished for having normal feelings and push them down inside which leads to depression, anxiety, self harm

When was the last time you looked at what she was doing online?

Well she had her phone taken away from her because she was engaging in not kind behaviour with her friends. She was mixing up drama between 2 girls. She has a laptop and I've checked and nothing untoward is on there

@TheVanguardSix

How is her relationship with the rest of the family (and you, it goes without saying)? How is she with dad?

I rang him Friday and told him what had happened. He didn't take it seriously told her to just cheer up. When she goes to his she often spends most of the time in her room. He doesn't take her out much. He discusses money and Health in front of her which makes her worry. Tbh he isn't good for her mental health and I'm seriously considering less contact

I've tried to involve her in activies outside school to give her a focus. Problem is she is very strong minded and doesn't really like to be told what to do, or to be told off. Which is a problem.
So therefore she just drops the activities because she can't just do what she would like to do

Gosh I think we have the same daughter! The risk is in letting her go off and moulder in her room, I think. It is honestly a bit annoying not to be able to do that but I don't really let my DD do that any more unless I know what she's doing. Drawing, reading or playing minecraft = OK, watching TV on the laptop or messing about on her phone not ok and those things are kept downstairs. We try to do activities outside as a family as much as possible as well.

Talking about the feelings helps too. Sometimes they forget that really horrible feelings do pass when they're in the middle of it.

My son is identical. Whenever something goes wrong, or actually even if I ask him to go have a shower he will kick off and tell me he is going to kill himself. Been going on for years and the rest of the time, he is generally fine. Draining and soul destroying... usually an attention or manipulation tactic. Keep talking to her x

We had a meeting with the school today to discuss returning. They asked her if she actually thought about killing herself. She said no. What she meant was she's stressed and feels like when she gets told off everyone around her is mad at her.
So they have said she can take some time out when she feels that way. Which is good the school has handled it well.
Knowing my DD and how she works I just know it could turn into her realising if I say these words ill get attention and I'm just worried she will go further to gain extra attention