My 2 year old DD likes my DH better

[Raffaella86]

Hello everyone
This is something that really hurts me in these days .
My 2 years old DD is either going through a phase or really doesn’t like me much at all but every time e are all in the same room she will immediately run towards her dad . He is an amazing dad , fun and playful and gentle , literally a dream for a toddler . He looks after her every evening cause I’m either in work or I have been all day with her and I need a break and the two of them are just crazy about each other . Needles to say I ended up kind of kicked out this great team of two . I’m not as fun and I might be a touch more firm ( I generally find him too soft with her ) with her plus I spend a lot of my time and energy trying to keep the house functioning , tidying cleaning grocery shopping all this when I’m not working 10 h three times a week . When it’s just me and the little one we are more than fine , we have giggles and we play and we do everything together … sure I’m not as fun as dad maybe and I have to stop here and there to do a few million loads of laundry and cook dinner but I love her to bits and I spend my days trying to keep up with the house , the job and be there for her as much as I can and hopefully give something back in my relationship. I have stated in the past that I needed a break through the week where I could be off work while she is nursery but my DH said it was a luxury he couldn’t have and we needed the money to pay nursery . We can get the help of his parents too but it’s mostly for days when I need to work and we can’t send her to nursery ( we can’t afford to send her more than 3 times a week ) .
Every single time I point out the fact that it’s becoming harder for me to be with them he is blaming me … I pick her up I’m too much of an anxious way ( she had just spilled a cup of cold water on her clothes and I was fretting to change her ) or I just sit on my phone while they play or I’m not “ fun “ enough at the eyes of a 2 year old …. I’m sure the truth is in the middle , I’m sure I could look more involved but the truth is , especially lately , it’s very hard to naturally play and have fun with them when I feel so rejected by her and judged by him , it’s just easier to go in the other room and tidy or sit on the couch and watch them .
We come from two
Really hard weeks where we have all been very sick because of a stomach bug and then the flu and I try to help as much as I can but she will scream at the top of her lungs as soon as he leaves the room even just to go to the bathroom . I’m sure part of it it’s a phase and she is definitely a daddy’s girl and I’m
Sure his being so indulgent with her ALL THE TIME doesn’t help , but it’s really hurting me to know that because I’m not as fun or full of energy as her dad I’m just gonna be a bit left out . I think I’m mostly resentful cause he is always blaming things in me that I can hardly change .

Shes actually more comfortable showing her negative emotions around you. That's a good thing, she feels safe. It's tough though. My little one is the same.

It's really normal for kids at this age to show preference but it's usually a phase, at some point you'll be the one in favour and her dad will be the one feeling rejected. Just remember she's only two years old, it's not intended to hurt you, and get stuck in with playing and having fun as a family.

Both my girls were like this !!
One still is daddy's girl always rings her dad but never me - but I love her and she knows that and we do have a good relationship.
One is ....but will message ring me and arrange to meet up with me just the two of us .

It's just how it is and yes it does still hurt sometimes ..but I'm kinda used to it now

Anhhh, I remember it well! Mt two were definitely like this when they were toddlers. My dh is the least fun person in any room but he still had fresh energy when he came home from work whereas I was ground down by the relentlessness of it all.

If you are working thirty hours a week, your dh should be doing a lot of the household chores too.

Do your days have some structure? I needed to go out every morning or I'd go insane. Playgroup, park with a friend, walk to feed the ducks, library etc.

At home start saying things like, we will go and hang the washing up - you are in charge of socks and knickers then we will do a puzzle, then you can play with the play doh while mammy mops the floor.

When my dh came home he used to do the bath and bedtime routine as that was his quality time and that was great for me because it was somewhere I didn't need to be so it felt like a break.

You're her rock. He's fun time. Do not think she doesn't love you (more) 💐

I wouldn't read too much into it either. Please try not to be jealous of their relationship and don't see it as a reflection on you, otherwise you will build up resentment towards your child and dh.
As a note, when I was small I apparently withdrew from my DM. She has always been stressey and anxious, fussing about the house being perfect. My dad is much more laid back, like me, so I naturally gravitated towards him. They had another baby when I was 3, which I think pushed me further away from my dm, especially with baby blues.
If you feel overwhelmed please seek help before any resentment has chance to set in.

OK. To unpick a couple of things...

She spends all day with you and evening with him. That's quite a big time discrepancy. She is just excited about spending time with her other parent who will be equally important to her.

You said you were 'fretting' about changing her clothes. Yes, wet clothes need to he changed but 'fretting' implies a degree of visible anxiety which she will be picking up on and will feel unpleasant to her.

If you are just leaving them to it in the evenings (there are women on here with disengaged partners who don't even have the chance to do this), could some of the household chores be left until then so that you have more fun time in the day time?

I'm a single parent of 2 children with no family support and a full time job. The house is never immaculate but everything gets done well enough. No one else cares if the laundry isn't folded and put away immediately ever.

Do you speak to your health visitor? I would seek outside support about this.

I say this because my mother felt similarly about me. She felt that I rejected her (different circumstances) and, in turn, she rejected me. I'm now mid 40s and have no contact with her because she pretty much decided that if I was going to make her life miserable, she'd do the same to me.

I agree that you need to address this properly before real resenent kicks in.

If you're working, your h should be doing his fair share of the housework and cooking, not leaving everything to you!

I'd talk to him; this is not a healthy dynamic he's encouraging. Sounds like he's enjoying being your dc's favourite, but he's not being nice to you.

I think you need to get him to do more on an evening and you do a bit less during the day. If this is something you need to work on with your daughter work on it. Put your phone away and engage with her

She loves you just as much as she does him really; she just reacts to him in a different way because he interacts with her in play mode, not in everyday mode. Make sure that even if you do feel a bit jealous, you don't let her see that you feel "rejected", as she doesn't have a clue what rejection even is, won't understand if you act sad around her and might even feel as if you think she's doing something wrong. Just keep on being big, strong, loving mummy.

Your husband, on the other hand, is old enough to know exactly what he is doing when he undermines and criticises you, makes himself out to be the better parent and creates a scenario where he and your daughter are a team and you are the outsider.

Thank you for all of your kind comments . I most definitely want to avoid ending up resentful and rejecting everyone .
I organised a day trip in a city that is a couple of hours away from where we live , it all went well but as usual she wanted to spend most of the times in his arms, I tried to help as much as I possibly could , offering to take her , push the stroller whenever she would finally agree to go in , got her some presents ans the general making sure she was getting snacks and water or her nappy changed , on the trip back she was so tired and she cried a lot and the sun was hitting her face so I held for a god part of two hours a book in front of her to keep her in the shade ( yes we should have bought window covers , I guess that was my job too ) so when we got home I was exhausted , he was exhausted and the kid was exhausted . While they were watching telly I emptied the car and tidied up everything and made coffee and as I sit down I move everything off the couch ans I say “ gosh I need a second without being touched by things “( I spent the 2 hours crammed in the backseat literally buried in toys and books ) and he said “ actually I feel like I had her the whole day “ and I lost it … I literally lost it … it’s what he does … ignores the help for hours and then at the end of the day the passive aggressive sneaky comment it’s always there waiting for me ,,, at the same time the DD opened a dropped on the floor a box with a cheesecake that I was desperate to try and I had left on the couch so I obviously got frustrated and said out loud something like “ oh no stop “ ans he looked at me like I was the worst mother ever …at that point I just left the room and joined them again when it was bath time although as usual it’s just me drying her out and dressing her up while she hugs and clings to her dad.
The routine is me working 10 h those 3 days when she goes to nursery so I see her off in the morning but he will pick her up and do dinner and bed , one day ( recent event ) she spends the morning with her grandparents cause I picked up another shift but I’m back home in the afternoon so we all have the evening together and one day she is with me the all day . Then the weekend we are all home .
Giving birth to a baby after an unplanned pregnancy , 5 minutes before lockdown with a partner I had known only for a bunch of months has done a number on my mental health for sure , I have done years of therapy I even started anti depressant too at some point cause I wanted be better for them , I come from a family with a narcissistic mother and a violent and loud father .. I try every single day of my life to be a better person and a better partner and a better human that any of the people I grew up with were . He is British and I’m not so any of my reactions will already be TOO MUCH , I tone down massively who I am
Around them and every single time I wish I could scream because I’m overwhelmed by the tying the pulling of clothes or the house being an absolute mess ( all
Massive triggers ) I breath I try to calm down I do all I can to stay calm … I already hate myself as it is cause I don’t know how to be this assertive lovely gentle 100% of the time perfect parent that clearly he wants me to be . I’m doing an enormous work on myself to be able to be the stable and assertive mum
This little one deserves and I know I have my share of blame if things are so bad between me and DH , he did so much for us for the whole 2 years of lockdowns and he was there everytome I was falling apart but he will not accept any responsibility for any issue and he comes from a family that has made pushing feelings down and smile a way of living … I suggested couple therapy and he lost it. I KNOW I could do better but I refuse to believe that I’m the only one that should be blamed.

He is using your little girl to hurt you.
He may be the father of your child but he doesn't sound like much of a partner to you.

He does sound quite manipulative and I'm exhausted reading everything that you do around the house and having to go out to work as well!

Do you ever get downtime or time to yourself?

My experience of British men is that they like to imagine they are very fair and lovely partners - but actually are very entitled and lazy.

If this relationship is not working for you, then you should address the issues and if they can't be resolved, leave your partner and Co-parent.

Little update , things got A LOT better .
He started to work
From home and things changed completely , he does his share of chores and seems more relaxed and more present in the house and he cares more , and he is so much more affectionate which makes me relax too and warm up to him again and finally the little DD has warmed up to me too , I took my part of responsibility and we went out for lunch just me and her and now she seems happy to be around me and she comes to me for cuddles again which is obviously making things less stressful for me and my partner . I don’t know if the answer was for him to take a step back in work I guess I underestimated how frustrated he was in work although it’s something we had discussed about . Now I know I was right and that something was off and that version of us wasn’t the only version we could be . Thank you everyone for your support it’s been so good to feel seen .