There’s been a change

[Chubblie]

Probably unorthodox but, yes I’m a man writing in Mumsnet.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years and I’ve always thought we’ve been happy together. However over the past few moths there has been a shift in her behaviour. She’s lost loads of weight and looks amazing. However, she now does more things that involve me less. Nights out, various clubs etc all in the evenings.

I work a 9-5 job but spend many hours a week travelling to and from work. She works evenings and so between her nights and clubs, we now hardly see each other. She has mentioned in the past that we seldom go out. Money os tight as I pay EVERY single bill that comes through the door, and her money is her own.

As her behaviour has changed, so has my thinking. I can’t help but think that she’s bored of me and is starting to look for someone else. We could go out more if there was a more equal split in the bills, but that discussion has been brushed off.

Should I be worried or is this natural?

Why on earth are you paying for everything? That isn't fair or right. If you say to her, e.g., the bills are X amount of money per month. I will put it in this amount and I want you to put in the same, then what would she say?

Seems unfair that you are paying for everything. I know you said the chat has been brushed off before but I think you need to sit her down and explain how you are feeling.
Tell her she looks great and you'd love to go on more date nights. Suggest taking turns organising them and going out to clubs with her. Explain you need to divide the finances more equally.
My husband makes more money than me but I still pay my fair share and what I can afford.

Your marriage is on the rocks. Time for a very serious conversation.

It has always been this way. I earn considerably more than her and that’s the role I’ve adopted I guess.

Financial talk is always an issue as her ex hubby was very money oriented, badly oriented however. It was used as a weapon in their marriage.

The main issue for my posting however was about the life she’s started to carve out that doesn’t involve me. I’m not saying I should be the centre of the universe but at least I a part of it.

I would be told that she couldn’t afford it.

@Chubblie

I would be told that she couldn’t afford it.

But she can afford the nights out and clubbing...

Should I be worried or is this natural?

I think you should be concerned, as no I don't think it's natural. She does, of course, have a right to have her own time, but if the boot was on the other foot, I think ppl would think you were in the wrong, if you were going out with your mates and neglecting your wife.

Do you have children and is she a stay at home Mum, apart from her evening work?

In my experience I've known lots of Mums, when children were off their hands at school, reverted to wanting a bit of a single life and many affairs were had and marriages broke down. I'm not saying your wife is doing anything wrong; she maybe justs enjoys some female company on nights out, but at the very least you need to sit down and talk to her about how you feel and the money situation.

It's possible you've been too accomodating and she is taking advantage of your easy going nature.

What I got from this was:

• Your work lives are incompatible (means you don't see each other)
• She misses the time you used to spend together
• Whilst she has previous issues with money it could be 60:40. It's 100% unfair that you should pay 100% of everything. Even if you are on a lot more she can still do gestures now and then.

As others have said it sounds like more a father, daughter relationship than a partner

I think the problem is your work lives are incompatible. However is she spending all of her free evenings going out?

Your finances are another thing, and thats up to you how you both work that out, but if she is now earning more than when the arrangement started it should be brought up, especially if you are left with no money after paying all bills.

Did the 2 of you go out together before she started going out with just her friends? Did she ever hint at wanting to go out more with you, and you perhaps didn't take it seriously and now shes carved out her own social life? Lots of think about, but if I was in your shoes I'd start planning dates out with her on her free evenings, before she gets a chance to arrange with friends and see if she is enthusiastic. If it seems she'd rather go out with friends, then yes, quite possibly your marriage could be in trouble and you need to discuss it.

The odd night out is obviously perfectly fine, but if its always more of a priority than spending time with you, you need to ask her why.

It was used as a weapon in their marriage

She seems to now be using finance as a weapon in her marriage to you. Leaving you to pay 100% of everything is financial abuse, she expects you to pay rent/mortgage, food, bills and she spends her earnings on entertainment for herself and leaving you sitting at home alone of an evening. Your marriage is in serious trouble OP, would she agree to couples counseling? In your position I would be bracing myself for an incoming divorce.

hmm think she is on the lookout for husband number 3.....

My wife was the same. Was always out with her friends, making an effort for them, looking a million dollars and leaving me home with the kids. On the surface I didn’t mind, I wanted her to go and have a life with her mates and I never thought she was being unfaithful. But it gets to you. It hurt that she would never make that effort for me and it got too much and I left.

At this point I should say that I should’ve made more of an effort to make us do things together but when you’re wife has shown no interest in years it erodes your confidence to a point where you think why would she even want to go out with you when she has such a great time with others.

Tell her exactly what you’re thinking….show her this thread and really be open about how you feel. She might say you’re not what she wants anymore or she might get it and you can make the effort together. Either way, don’t let it fester and become toxic.