I'm nearly 38 years old;I have 4 teenagers plus 2 much younger brothers.After some events that have transpired over the last 24 hours which have been the accumulation of things that have been building up I've decided to go LC with my mum and NC with my dad and it's really liberating.
I left home at 18 to escape abuse.My dad was the abuser and my mum the enabler.The physical abuse only stopped because my uncle called the social services when I was 13.My brothers were 3&6.Unbelievably social services allowed my dad to remain in the home;he went on a "anger management" course and that apparently was enough.
The slippery sly git got away with it and even though I was placed on the child protection register for the standard two years a social worker only visited me once;at school and was in and out in less than 15 minutes.
My dad never laid a finger on my brothers;those lovely beatings were reserved just for me.He was clever;the punches were to my scalp,my upper arms and upper thighs.He knew exactly what he was doing.
After the physical abuse stopped he merely ramped up everything else.I was forced to live on my meagre paper round wages;I had to buy my clothes,toiletries,shoes etc out of that;he tried to ban my mum from even buying me school uniform.
He restricted what I ate,my family were fed normal stuff,I had to live on Asda smart price dried pasta n sauce packets;the cheese and broccoli ones.
At 16 when I got a part time job he'd take money from my wages and made me hand over half of my education maintenance allowance which was supposed to cover my bus fare/books/college lunches etc.
I was used as a housekeeper and nanny for my brothers as he'd go wait outside my mums part time evening office cleaning job instead of coming home to take care of his sons after work.
My brother died when I was young and I was never allowed to talk about him;my dad once told me he wished I had died instead of my brother.
I was constantly negged,belittled,got into trouble for things that were normal in other households,told I was fat when I was 5ft 4in and 9st and called all sorts,told all sorts.
I was never included in family plans,I was told I'd have to stay home and take care of the dog who ranked higher in the family in importance than me.
I have spent my entire life blaming myself for the abuse,trying to please my parents,trying to get them to include me and my children in the family,trying to "make up" for the past when I've realised I've done absolutely nothing wrong and they should be the ones blaming themselves;they should be making it up to me.I was never once told by my dad I was loved nor did he show affection.
They never will though.They treat their nieces better than me;they treat them better than their own daughter/granddaughters however it's easy to treat someone better when you don't have to look at your past mistakes in human form.
My kids have really noticed how their treated compared to other family members and it upsets them.That gives me the absolute fucking rage because these two "parents" are still giving children in the family a complex.
There's a ton more stuff;worse moments of violence and physical abuse but I can't write it all down;it'll be pages long.
I've told my 18 year ill be going NC/LC.I've been brutally honest about the abuse.I've asked them not to discuss it with their uncles.They were very young and won't have much of a recollection if any of the physical abuse and blind to the other stuff as they wouldn't have understood what was going on.I don't need them misunderstanding my intentions or giving my parents an opportunity to rewrite history because even though I was an innocent child they'll DARVO;mainly I want to protect them (my brothers),I don't want to be upset or impacted by this.
I've decided to sort myself with a decent counsellor who has experience with helping those who have experienced childhood abuse.
I've suffered bouts of depression/anxiety,had PND and have struggled with self esteem/insecurity.I really worry that my childhood might have affected my own relationships.
I'm really hoping that by addressing the issues I have I can finally find some peace and improve my mental health;as corny as this sounds I have an vulnerable little girl somewhere inside of me who needs to know she's a warrior and she can be her own hero.