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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Guy I met from OLD, strange behaviour. Not sure what to think.

28 replies

FridayNightDinnerSquirrel · 13/03/2022 22:22

Matched with someone from OLD, from the offset he was a bit flakey in terms of arranging a time to speak on the phone (despite being his suggestion) We eventually managed to speak on the phone and got on well. We have also face timed after and also got on well during. He was in regular contact and then all of a sudden didn't hear from him for week. Sent him a message and locked him off and said i wouldn't accept flakiness from the offset and good luck to him. He sent me a v long message telling me he really enjoyed talking to and getting to know me but there was a lot going on in his life but he still wanted to meet me.
So we ended up meeting and got on so well. He text me immediately after we left each other to say I was really beautiful and lovely and looked forward to seeing me again. We've met up a further two times. Nothing has happened between us, no kiss other than a peck on cheek, nothing of an intimate nature.
Now all of a sudden. He's going up to 24 hours at a time before he reads my WhatsApps. My last message remains unread from him since 3pm yesterday when he was last online, I haven't tried to contact him again.
I'm not sure what's going on.. I don't think he has someone else on the go as we have met up and been in constant contact with each other.
Is it reasonable to think perhaps he's got bored as nothing has happened after 3 dates? This isn't the first time he's taken over 24 hours to even open a message to read. I find it a bit rude but haven't said anything.
Not sure whether to just lock him off again. I really like him and know he likes me too, just seems like non starter.

OP posts:

CannaBelieve · 13/03/2022 22:26

we aren't all glued to our phones though

people struggle to realise this. Mine often gets switched off for a day or more if i'm home or busy with something

blinder · 13/03/2022 22:27

It’s usually not a good idea to mindread people but I would hazard a guess that he is messaging more than one person. That’s quite easy to do. The longer gaps might indicate when he has met up with them, and been distracted. Have you asked whether he is going on multiple dates?

I wound say that it’s very usual for people on dating apps to be messaging a few people at once and perhaps even dating. If you aren’t sleeping together, there’s nothing to stop you doing the same thing. Perhaps if you did escalate it to sex, that would be a good time to have a conversation about monogamy.

bonfireheart · 13/03/2022 22:29

Tbh I've been talking to a guy from OLD, I really like him and vice versa but honestly he could write your post and it'd be about me. I can't be one of those people who sees what time the other person was online and then guess why they aren't replying...I sometimes go over 48 hours before replying. As PP said, we aren't all glued to our phones.

Harlequin1088 · 13/03/2022 22:30

I’d move on. People either make time for you or they don’t. If he’s this flakey after a couple of dates, imagine what you’re up against if you’re a year into a relationship with him. Get rid.

iwishu · 13/03/2022 22:30

A lot of men just want to casually date and keep their options open. If he was really keen on you, he wouldn't keep you waiting. If I was getting ignored, I'd just delete him.

LittleWins · 13/03/2022 22:36

He’s been flakey throughout. You’ve even called him out and he’s still like it.

It shouldn’t be this difficult.

BenchBench · 13/03/2022 22:39

Of course he has another relationship to someone else not replying/reading for 24hours and disappearing for a week.
Forget him and move on, you don’t need to be doubting at this stage.

PermanentTemporary · 13/03/2022 22:39

I should think he's got a few irons in the fire, as the MN dating threads say.

I probably would just leave him to it, probably wouldn't block him at this stage but I'd certainly message other people.

Original poster

FridayNightDinnerSquirrel · 13/03/2022 22:42

@iwishu

A lot of men just want to casually date and keep their options open. If he was really keen on you, he wouldn't keep you waiting. If I was getting ignored, I'd just delete him.

I think you've basically brought it home there. You're so right.

OP posts:

PoshPyjamas · 13/03/2022 22:44

i wouldn't accept flakiness from the offset and good luck to him

then

So we ended up meeting

Your words and your actions don't match up. You have told him that you don't accept flakiness, when clearly you do.

JennyDBP · 13/03/2022 22:44

Sounds like a non starter like you say. I don't think it's a confusing situation it seems clear cut that he isn't interested and he's a bit of a time waster.

Original poster

FridayNightDinnerSquirrel · 13/03/2022 22:46

@PoshPyjamas

i wouldn't accept flakiness from the offset and good luck to him

then

So we ended up meeting

Your words and your actions don't match up. You have told him that you don't accept flakiness, when clearly you do.

I know, he managed to convince me to give him a chance. I'm not going to waste time thinking about what he's doing or thinking. Seems clear.

OP posts:

Fernandina · 13/03/2022 22:46

There's a lot going on in his life. Isn't that always the way? Either he has time to start a new relationship or he hasn't, and if he is this flakey early on, it doesn't bode well.

Next.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2022 22:49

He sent me a v long message telling me he really enjoyed talking to and getting to know me but there was a lot going on in his life but he still wanted to meet me.

Of course there's a lot going on in his life, he's married.

Wake up and move on.

EBearhug · 13/03/2022 22:51

I blocked a guy on OLD who kept asking why I hadn't messaged him. Initially, it was because was working (for a few hours.) But then it was because I was avoiding his messages, so I blocked. It seemed too needy early on.

I assume most people are going to be busy with work, family, friends - I am - so not answering immediately is fine. Some seem more likely to answer in the day, others in the evenings. Some are frequent chatters, others less so. It's sensible to recognise not everyone is glued to their phone, but you're also allowed to set boundaries that suit you. Flakiness can be one of them.

I am with those who probably wouldn't block, but would ignore for now and chat to others. Possibly not so many you need a tracking sheet (like I have... )

Pinkbonbon · 13/03/2022 23:04

First instinct is married. My normal go to would just be that maybe he doesn't like text conversations but something about this just screams married to me.

Peachtoiletpaper · 14/03/2022 09:56

Everyone's got a lot going on in their life one way or another. But if someone is keen they will make time. He's been a flake since the offset. You called him out so he knows this level of contact doesn't work for you. You gave him a chance. He hasn't run with it, he's gone back into flaky behaviour.

Doesn't really matter why in terms of whether he is dating others, married, just not that bothered about dating. It won't get better. Well, maybe for a week or two after you remind him every time but do you really want that?

I'd file it under 'gave it a go, not working' and move on.

runsmidgeOMG · 14/03/2022 10:06

@Pinkbonbon

First instinct is married. My normal go to would just be that maybe he doesn't like text conversations but something about this just screams married to me.

I'm sorry... I agree with this too. Sounds like he wants to see what else is available (not intending to make you feel just part of what else OP) But keeps getting cold feet on following through. With that in mind he's A) a no starter as he's a cheat B) a no starter because he can't make up his mind what he wants and why should you wait around to find out ! C) flakey as hell- avoid

There's not communicating for a few hours due to work and there's 24hours.
If someone wants to be in contact with you they will. Good luck OP

FavouritePi · 14/03/2022 10:26

He's just not that into you.

It's probably nothing personal but you're clearly not the one for him.

Crikeyalmighty · 14/03/2022 11:04

As someone else said it’s very probable that he’s got other irons in the fire or even a wife/live in partner— but likes the occasional ‘see if he’s still got it’ —

SVRT19674 · 14/03/2022 12:37

Ignore his poetry and look at his actions. Not that into you, the reason (wife, partner, other meet ups) is irrelevant.

Vapeyvapevape · 14/03/2022 12:41

Anyone that raises doubts in your mind is a non starter . It's not your job to analyse why he's doing this, he just is , it doesn't sit right with you so it's time to move on.

RantyAunty · 14/03/2022 12:46

Delete and block
He's a flake. You don't put up with flakiness.

Bellyups · 14/03/2022 13:01

When I was OLD I would be messaging quite a few guys I’d matched with, not just one. I’d also reply to the ones I’ll liked the most first.

Glitterb · 14/03/2022 15:02

It sounds like you both have different expectations regarding communication. I couldn’t cope with someone this flakey as I would become bored with him pretty quickly

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