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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother-in-law

10 replies

StarsStarStars · 13/03/2022 22:12

We are in the process of divorce, it was my mother-in- law idea. I was trying to do what she wanted for 17 years, until I had enough. She didn’t want us to have children early, when we did she could not stop telling us that we will never get any money, as we had our children too early ( we both were 30)., so finally she succeeded and my husband applied for divorce( we have 4 kids together). He believed his mother not me ( she told him that my getting pregnant was manipulation). Nothing I could do, he refused to listen. His mother also subsidise his very expensive hobby. I followed my husband to live in this country as we met abroad, and I have no family near by. But just achieving the divorce was not enough for her. Now she is turning my children against me. My little one told me today that she heard nanny telling my older child that« mommy is not thinking the normal way» .. she takes them to school something as I work . What can I do? ... am i overreacting. She literally does nothing apart of telling my , kids and rest of my family what I do wrong, she even contacted my extended family ( my cousins to tell them lies..). I just think it’s so unfair on my lovely children.

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 13/03/2022 23:35

17 years trying to do what she wanted? Why? You and your ex DH have been validating her controlling behaviour for years and you now want it to stop.
What’s the arrangement for childcare now that you’re divorcing, are you sharing custody 50/50? I would cut all contact with her. I guess you can’t stop her seeing the kids when they are with your ex but you don’t have to have a relationship with her anymore.

StarsStarStars · 14/03/2022 00:00

We were very young and my parents were thousands of miles away. He wants to have them 2-3 nights a week, but reality is that he doesn’t spend time with them but take them to his mother every time she asks ( she prefer jabbing boys for some reason..).,i want to stop all relationship with her, but I she is very manipulative and make children ask me if they scan stay with her .. she also take my son to school couple of time as week when I work ( it supposed to be his father but of course he is too busy)... what can I do?

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 14/03/2022 06:53

Don’t communicate with her, just communicate with your ex. Simply say no if the children ask to stay with her during your time and explain to them that if they want to they can stay with grandma when they are with daddy. If there is an option for breakfast club at school on your days, use that and cut contact with her completely. You’ve got the power to remove her from your life now, take it.

StarsStarStars · 14/03/2022 13:59

Thank you, they used to go to breakfast club, but she offered them to take them to school and to bring them back, and children were begging me to let them to stay with her, rather then in wrap around care. They will think I’m being very mean..

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2022 14:05

No they will not. Your children are also far too young to realise they are being manipulated by their nan. Not all relations are nice and some of them are actively abusive and will attempt to steal both their hearts and minds. She will use your children here as a further means of getting back at you.

layladomino · 17/03/2022 17:48

Your children don't get to decide what childcare arrangements you make. They are too young to know that someone isn't acting in their best interests. And telling lies about their mum is not acting in their best interests.

Make other arrangements so that you never have to rely on her for childcare.

RedRoseRay · 17/03/2022 17:55

You give her one warning that if she criticises or disrespects you in front of your children that she’ll no longer have access to them. My ex also leaves the childcare to his mother when he’s meant to have them. My ex MIL and I don’t like each other and haven’t spoken a word since I left my ex. But she wouldn’t dare bad mouth me to my children and I don’t badmouth her to them either.

RedRoseRay · 17/03/2022 17:56

As others have said. Make alternative childcare arrangements so you never have to rely on her.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 17/03/2022 18:00

How old are the dc op? Dc can see through manipulative people in time ime.

Cherrysoup · 17/03/2022 22:43

Send them back to breakfast club, minimise contact with her, she doesn’t get to see them unless you desperately need cover. She sounds appalling. Parental alienation is not allowed, if she makes further comments, tell your ex (?) she won’t see them anymore.

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