Dating with borderline personality disorder

[dontwatchthat]

Maybe I should also post this in another section but I just wondered if anyone could help

I've not been formally diagnosed. But I'm 99% sure I have this. I have such an intense fear of being abandoned. It literally sends me into a hysterical state. I go from such intense emotions. I've always felt like this. I've never felt like I really know who I am. Watching other people has always been a bit strange. Like how do normal people do this? Why does everyone make it look so easy? I don't think I can explain how intense my emotions are.

I've just come out of a 9 month relationship. It was intense. And so so bad. I knew he wasn't right for me early on but the fear of being abandoned (?) made me hang on. I'd posted on here a lot about him.

I've been in abusive relationships in the past. He knew about that. He also pointed out the borderline personality traits. He knew all my weaknesses. And I feel like he used them all against me. I spent so many times literally sobbing in front of him begging him to help me and he would sit there impassively staring at me.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I just need some support not to go back. Unbelievably I'm still clinging on in some way. We had nice times. In many ways maybe because I could sense he also had a fear of abandonment I thought we could work.

I feel ashamed of my past. Ashamed that I am so broken. (His words).

I'm desperately trying to get help but reading up it doesn't seem like even getting a diagnosis will help. It's not going to lead to some miracle. My gp has just referred me for more counselling which I'll hear back this week. But I've done cbt. It didn't touch the sides.

Sorry. Thanks for reading if you've made it to the end

Bpd'ers tend to be attracted to those with narcissistic traits, its like an addiction, it does get easier in time if you go cold turkey.

You are not broken, its much more likely that you have lost sight of who you really are. That person is still there, just hiding away for now until life feels safer.

Hi OP. I had a friend who had diagnosed BPD she found life a lot easier after doing DBT. She is (as far as I know!) happily married with children.

Perhaps ask for a DBT referral.

OP. Go and talk to your GP and ask referral to a specialty service for BPD. You may need to go to a general service to make diagnosis first. Good to have a diagnosis and exclude other things.
BPD is often a response to trauma.
I would hold off another relationship- concentrate on having a relationship with yourself.
You are amazingly insightful - you can get better .💐

Hi OP, sorry you've been struggling. Whether you have BPD or not, sounds like your recent ex wasn't treating you very well.
I second that DBT is incredibly effective for people with BPD. It's transformed my life. Like you, i was initially just referred for CBT on NHS which wasn't very helpful at all. I was eventually put into a DBT group through the NHS but have mainly accessed DBT privately.

I think you should step away from diagnosing yourself in this fashion. I note that in fact you have latched on to a 'diagnosis' given to you by an utterly unqualified twat of an abusive partner. Why have you done that? Was it part of your way of trying to stop him leaving you?

Can you separate what is actually you and how you actually feel from how you want him to react and feel/care about you?

You should be concentrating on getting yourself in a far stronger place before you enter into any relationship. It isn't fair on you and it isn't fair on a partner.

You need to speak to your GP again, and be honest this time about how this is affecting your life. You need proper help and support.

It could be bpd or it could be that you are dating men who drive you to feel insecure deliverately as they are abusive. It's clear that this partner was abusive for a start as he used your weaknesses against you.

Often people with bpd flan find themselves dating people with npd though.

I would take 3 months totally single, getting your peace of mind back a little. Maybe see your gp for some mild seditives/anti depressants just to get yo over the hump.

And then, after you are over this split, consider some therapy. Amd possibly seek a diagnosis if that's the consensus as therapy progresses.

Take the time to learn how to spot abusers (and continue to learn throughout your life). The freedom programme may be a good start. Qs would reading up on codependency, which may be an issue for you.

You may have bpd. Or you may just have had a long line of abusers who have gaslighted you into this state of hyper insecurity.

Thank you everyone. You've made me cry. Just knowing someone understands. I've felt like I've been going mad.

I've read about dbt. I'll ask again about it. Unfortunately my gp just gave me a leaflet for online mental health services last time. I've been diagnosed with depression since I was a teenager but I've never really felt it was that. I have uncontrollable sadness. But it's not consistent. It's the fear of being abandoned usually. Relationship break ups are so intense. I feel out of control.

@Haffiana he is a doctor. So he is probably more qualified than most. To be fair when he said it I looked it up and it all just clicked. I score highly on all the websites I've looked at. Obviously not official. But it was such a relief to read. It just felt like I'd found me.

I don't know why you think I've not been honest with my gp? Literally the last time I spoke to them I said I think I've got bpd please help. She gave me the leaflet and that was it. I've had an initial assessment with the counsellors over the phone. Again I said I think it's bpd. I'll hear back this week the treatment plan but she's already suggested Cbt which I don't think will help. It feels such a battle.

Ps: when you are ready to date again, don't tell the person about past abuse. At least not until well into the relationship. As abusers will take it qs a green light that you are susceptible to abuse.

I would advise taking q good while single though. You have lots of work to do. Lots of learning about and shoring up your boundaries against abusive men. Perhaps some sort of diagnosis and help for that, perhaps not. But take some time single to figure it all out and to feel happy and strong in yourself again.

I don’t really like BPD/EUPD as a diagnosis because it seems to be almost exclusively women who are diagnosed with it. I read an article recently that was arguing that undiagnosed autism in women can sometimes present in similar ways to BPD and that BPD may ‘just’ be autism + trauma.

I too have been terrified of being abandoned all through my life, stemming (I think) from a couple of extended family deaths when I was a teen. Both happened whilst on holiday/travelling, both unexpected, one very young person, one not so young. It affected relationships in my late teens/early 20s right up until meeting my husband. We have a child with autism and I do wonder about myself; I definitely have autistic traits.

That aside, it’s important that you do seek help. NHS mental health services are dreadful so if affordable looking for a private therapist might help.

I hope you get the support that you need.

Please don’t diagnose yourself from websites and what your horrible ex said to you. Unless he is a psychiatrist he probably knows little more about it than the person in the street. Go and seek out a proper diagnosis and don’t seek any therapy until you’ve done that. Self diagnosis followed by seeking therapy for what you think you have can set you back years and could prevent you getting the help you really need.

I agree that self diagnosis isn't advisable. However, I first was referred for DBT before having a formal diagnosis, as it was clear even to GP that I met diagnostic criteria and that CBT wasn't helping.

There is nothing harmful about having DBT without a diagnosis if you can access it, indeed everyone would benefit from improving their distress tolerance skills, interpersonal communication and emotional regulation. It's a clinically proven form of behavioural therapy, not addictive medication or anything potentially harmful. Society is still very prejudiced about mental health and people may make assumptions based on those labels if you have to disclose them say in a work context. Just a thought, when you're considering the benefits and otherwise of formal diagnosis.

I would add though that the ex really shouldn't be "diagnosing" you and it's more troubling not less if he's a medical professional. He should know better.

your ex is a nasty twat.

@Haffiana he is a doctor. So he is probably more qualified than most.

Narcissists are often drawn to the caring professions for 2 reasons:

1. They can appear to the general public as saintly martyrs
2. They get access to vulnerable people to abuse - and their position of "authority" means they often get away with it and can cow their victims into reporting because "Nobody will believe you because you're MAAAAAAD and I'm a medical professional."

Your diagnosis doesn't really matter - what matters is finding ways through this trauma and developing coping strategies. NHS mental health services are on their fucking knees (hence your GP just throwing leaflets at you) so if seeking private therapy is an option - do it. Your health is an investment now that will pay huge dividends over time.

OK, so BPD can take a while to diagnose. So you've got two options - a) Hold out for the NHS referral or b) Go privately so you can have those answers to your questions. Speaking as someone who has spent years with the wrong diagnosis and then finally diagnosed with ADHD late last year, I get how bewildering and irritating it is when nothing "fits".

Secondly - definitely take a break from dating. If you have BPD all emotions associated with dating/relationships are intensified and I think if you do have it (or something like it) then spending some extended time by yourself (as lonely as it is) and learning how to cope with your diagnosis and world around you is probably far more beneficial to you than jumping into another relationship with someone who could easily be unsuitable. I get this - I spilt up with my abusive ex 6 months ago, and I'm still struggling to make sense of what I experienced and went through, and the diagnosis I've had. I know I need to tread really carefully because I get wrapped up pretty quick and have unresolved issues because of the way my ex treated me.

Read up on articles/books that promote the value of being single. Genuinely, no one can bring you joy more than yourself. Throw yourself into activities you like, things that make you happy - don't allow your self worth to be dictated to you by another person.

There are 9 symptoms of EUPD and to get a dx you have to have 5 at least. A fear of abandonment is not enough.

Any personality disorders is just more significant presentation of typical personality traits.

Your GP signposted you into primary care/IAPT psychology services as you very likely do not meet threshold for secondary care MH services, which is high. Relationship/attachment difficulties will not generally get you access to a secondary care DBT group, you have to be very unwell.

I don’t think the NHS is going to help you much unfortunately. I would recommend finding a private schema therapist.

I'm really impressed by the supportive posts here. OP you sound very similar to me. I'm 60 now and I've spent most of my life flailing about not understanding how early parental death combined with some subsequent sexual and emotional abuse has affected me.
I've read loads and think I've certainly got BPD. Your description of trying to understand other people and feeling intense emotions and fear of abandonment is so familiar.
I'd recommend Pete Walker, an American therapist with a brilliant website, lots of helpful articles and books. Also Jeffery Smith, a New York therapist, again, lots to read.
I've finally been able to afford therapy and I've had a number of EMDR sessions which have literally been mind blowing and life changing. BPD isn't really taken on board in the UK and NHS resources are non existent. My current therapist has been so supportive and says I have aspects of BPD but not to get carried away with self diagnosis. I found a few self help websites and books about DBT and I think it's good and really helps with intense emotions.
My heart really goes out to you. I hope you can find some help. Lots of helpful posts on this thread including the advice to take time for yourself before getting involved in another relationship.

The reason I would say hold off on getting a diagnosis is that right now you have just split up with someone. So all your emotions will be heightened. You need time to return to a baseline. Otherwise you might end up with an inaccurate diagnosis. Whether you see about therapy first or not, at least get yourself a wee holiday first.

Thank you everyone

I honestly had to sit down on the stairs and have a little cry. I'm overwhelmed with all the advice and support.

I totally get abandonment is not a diagnosis for bpd. I read it though and it makes sense.

I think a large part of why I find it hard to break off with unsuitable relationships is I don't really know who I am. So when I meet people I seek similarities and convince myself we'll work because they're like me and I sort of meld myself to them and their life. I've always thought I'm just flexible and easy going. The truth is I don't know who I am so I happily go along with whatever my partner wants.

That's why this is break up is so hard. I thought he would understand me more as I sense a lot of similar insecurities. He is so like me but he would never admit it. And I find myself doubting myself. I've pushed him away. I always do. It's almost a test to see if he cares enough he'll stick around. But maybe if I hadn't we'd still be together.

I rang my drs in tears this morning. Got told there were no appointments so will ring back tomorrow.

I know I'm not classed as severe. I've been in and out of iapt since a teenager. When my marriage broke down I was suicidal. To the point where I made plans. But again that sort of ended and I got left to deal with it. I'm really confused by the support to be honest. I've had enough Cbt to know it's not making any difference.

Hey op, hang in there. Firstly you're doing well , you're out of a relationship with an arse. Secondly, dbt is great, whether bpd or not. I dont meet a lot of the diagnostic criteria for bpd but I am sensitive to abandonment, cbt never helped with this but dbt does. Dbt skills take practise, agree with others that remaining single until you're in a much better place and have some resources for yourself to rely on when you're getting triggered emotionally.