Ex MIL decides to poison DD against me

[stirling]

Not sure what on earth to do here.
DD (14) came home fuming yesterday after the weekly trip to see grandma with her dad (my ex husband) and for the first time in years hugged me very tightly.

She then went into her room and voice recorded a 30 minute message detailing all the horrific things my ex mother in law said about me. Dds summary at the end was "basically mummy, she just set out to describe you as a psychopath.

For ref, highly abusive 14 year long marriage to her son who was a serial adulterer, violent and incredibly sexist. He was largely absent, an artist, a social butterfly and a horrendous flirt. Neither husband nor father material. I've raised my two children virtually alone with serious health issues.

It horrifies me to know that my young precious daughter has been brainwashed with the intention of harming her relationship with me, her mother. The one who stuck around to pick up the pieces when her father swanned off with a young woman.

I'm fuming, crying and trying hard to stop myself from driving around there and basically, saying how dare you? Followed by a jug of water over her head which is stupid and I'll never do it. But though I know speaking to her in a steely cold voice and giving her a stern warning would be right, I know I'll be tempted to contest all the lies she's filled my daughters head with.

What to do? Thank you

Does your daughter even want to see her again?

At 14 she's old enough for you to talk about it with her

Also though, your daughter hasn't been brainwashed because she's upset and angry and doesn't believe her. This is good.

Your daughter doesn’t believe her. Good.
Your MIL has spouted lies to a third person.
Your MIL has slandered you.
Have a calm chat with your daughter and ascertain her wishes for ever visiting again.
You could get a solicitor to write her a letter, pointing out her slander and what will happen in law if she repeats to anyone.
Like you I’d be tempted with a jug of iced water over her head but a solicitors letter might just put the fear of God into her.

My mum does this with my nieces it’s absolutely terrible, it upsets the girls, my brother has told her to stop it but she thinks the girls “need to know what their mother is like”. I get on very well with my ex sister in law, my brother is happy with this as he says it maintains links and normality. My mum thinks the sun shines out of my brothers arsehole and he can do no wrong, the marriage was awful, my sister in law does have some issues but telling children their mother is “abusive” is bloody abusive. It does no good what so ever. I’m so sorry your daughter is so distressed by this, it’s very very upsetting for an adult to speak to a child in this way. We talked to the girls and asked them to try to ignore it because we can’t make grandma stop it, we asked them to come to us and we would talk to them about anything that’s being said. The girls just won’t go see grandma anymore and my mum blames ex SIL she can’t see that it is her own behaviour. We have both called her out on it but she can’t see that she’s in the wrong. Me and DB wonder if mum is starting with dementia or senility as horrible as that sounds.

My x mil does this shit too. Sends letters saying "we are not the bad guys here".
Clear inference that I am The Bad Guy? Her son was every type of abusive.

Why do they do this? Do they teens who feel safe with their mum are going to believe their mum is a psycho!?

what can you do to support your dd?

how truly awful for her to have to go and listen to this tirade of shit about her mother

does your dd want to continue to visit?

Your daughter hasn't been brainwashed, she's seen right through the bullshit thankfully. I doubt she'll want to see the woman again anyway right? She's under no obligation to and neither are you to enforce it. She's a nasty poisonous troglodyte.

I wouldn't put up with this for one moment. I would tell DD how she feels about having a relationship with Grandma after what she has said about Mum and let her decide if she truly wants to see her again.

Talk to your dd, it's good she doesn't believe her, and testimony to what a good parent you've been. Ask her if she's still happy to see her grandmother.

DD is old enough not to see her nasty grandmother again. She’s old enough not to see her useless father again.

You’ve obviously done a brilliant job bringing her up despite many struggles. She’s been open with you about what’s happened which is a huge credit to your relationship.

Ex MIL is trying to hurt both of you, don’t let her. Wipe your tears, arrange a chat with a friend if it’ll help you to have a space to get it all out, remind yourself how right you were to leave the absolute bastard and his vicious mother, hug your daughter and pat yourself on the back to appreciate your strength.

Ask DD if she ever wants to see her father or his awful mother again. Take it from there. If she doesn't want to then at 14 is she not old enough to make her own decision? Can she not stop going if she doesn't want to?

How often does she see her father and does she want to see either him or her grandmother again?

It’s good she saw straight through the lies.

It sounds to me like your DD is (rightly) hurt and disgusted but has seen right through your MIL’s behaviour. I don’t think you have a think to do. Speak to your daughter about what you do together from now on. Does she want to keep on with that relationship and if so, what boundaries does she want to draw? Work out how to shut MIL down if it happens again/ask dad to step in it it happens?
If not, how does she want to end/walk away from it: bluntly with no explanation? A letter explaining? Speaking to her dad?
Maybe go see a counsellor together to see how you, as a two, face this.

This will just solidify your relationship with her and make her understand that you are on her side and will always be there for her, right behind her.

MIL sounds like a bitch and ex sounds like a dick.

The fact that your dd has seen straight though it says she has her head screwed on. Maybe listen to it with her and have a laugh about it? Let her know that what she believes of you is right and she shouldn't be worried about the daft old bat!

I would see if she would send it to you so that you can keep it if needed. I'd also let her know it's fine to respond to her grandmother or to tell her to shut up she doesn't want to hear it but I wouldn't push her. She's dealing with it in her own way!

Many thanks for the support and replies everyone. So grateful to have mumsnet at times like this.

DD doesn't particularly want to see her again, and DS (16) feels the same. Neither of them feel I should confront her because she's never going to listen.

Re their father, I have encouraged the relationship and pushed my past hurts to the side because although he only sees them once a week, sometimes twice, I know he loves them immensely and vice versa.

The spanner in the works is that he (and the young girlfriend) live with... His mama! Argh. He was always a mummy's boy. And no matter how hard everyone tries to get him to lose the umbilical cord, he won't move out into his own place with gf. It's insane.

Your DD has her head screwed on straight - keeping an audio diary for herself is a very mature and sensible thing to do. She hasn't been brainwashed, far from it - your MIL has completely failed.

Next thing to do is to sit down with your DD and calmly discuss what she would like to do in order to preserve her mental health and still maintain a relationship with her dad - if that is what she wants to do. If she wants to. reduce or cut contact, listen to her.

You've clearly raised a sensible young woman who takes no bullshit - well done.

DDs are perfectly within their rights to say they will meet their father for lunch or dinner on neutral territory but will not visit MIL's house, or meet with her, under any circumstances.

You are well rid of both your ex and his toxic mother here. Your children have their head screwed on here and they know what she is like. The rotten apple that is your ex did not fall far from the rotten tree here did he?.

If they don't want to see MIL but do want to see their Dad they could talk to their Dad about doing contact a bit differently, obviously not saying it's about MIL. They could have outings instead of staying over or just dinner with him, give MIL less chance at them. It's not ideal, but if MIL is distressing your DC it's important to find a way forward that minimises this. I wouldn't worry about MIL poisoning them against you, that's obviously not happening, so it's about finding a way DC can spend time with their Dad without MIL present.

Your daughter hasn’t been brainwashed. She didn’t believe the lies. It’s annoying and upsetting but your daughter clearly loves you. Your mil has not got to your daughter.

thank you all, so much

My ex mil tried this with ds, she was complicit in the family destroying evidence of him trying to burn the house down with me & ds in it & covering for him when he was arrested for raping me. Ds was 6 when we split & she used to gaslight him for standing up for me by saying that I should be sectioned & locked away & that I hadn't wanted him & wanted to have an abortion. As ds got older he got wise to her, reduced contact & when she died last year he refused to go to her funeral.

@Nat6999

My ex mil tried this with ds, she was complicit in the family destroying evidence of him trying to burn the house down with me & ds in it & covering for him when he was arrested for raping me. Ds was 6 when we split & she used to gaslight him for standing up for me by saying that I should be sectioned & locked away & that I hadn't wanted him & wanted to have an abortion. As ds got older he got wise to her, reduced contact & when she died last year he refused to go to her funeral.

How utterly horrific! I'm so sorry you and your DS went through this.

my young precious daughter has been brainwashed

No she hasn't. Your lovely daughter has recognised the vitriol and lies and has defended you.

Don't waste your energy pouring a jug of water over that spiteful old bag's head. Plan a nice lunch or brekkie or cinema trip with your daughter instead. You've raised her well.

Thank you GreenFingersWouldBeHandy