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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD's controlling dad - solictor update and advice please xx

16 replies

Jackson21 · 13/03/2022 17:45

Hi everyone you may remember my previous threads on my dd's dad controlling me and her through texts etc, well i saw a solictor who said before changing the court order you have to go to mediation but due to my income I won't get legal aid or mediation paid for. Back in 2011 at our last court appearaence you didn't have to go through mediation so this is new to me.

Also as I wont get any help with court costs etc I can;t afford to go back to court right now. However my dd has shown me texts today saying hes got his own flat and she stays with stepmum on his weekend as he has PTSD from 1998 and he needs his own space to have time to heal. He asked dd not to tell me or the stepmum and it was their secret! Was other things on there like you can't come to my place as its sheltered accomdoation (hes only 50) and she has to pretend like everything is normal.

I am so fed up with his lies, blackmail etc yet I cant do bugger all about it!

Any ideas please as I am so stressed about it.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 13/03/2022 17:47

How old is dd? Imo she stays home.

JeffThePilot · 13/03/2022 17:52

It’s £220 to apply to the court to vary the order, if that’s what you’re wanting to do. Yes there’s generally an expectation to mediate first but not if there was domestic abuse between you. The alternative is to breach the court order yourself and gave him apply for enforcement, but if you do this you’ll start out on the back foot having to explain yourself. I don’t think many people who know how the courts work would advise you to do this.

How old is your daughter?

Original poster
Jackson21 · 13/03/2022 17:55

Sorry she is 12 in May. I'm aware of the fees it £232 where i live plus mediation costs. He's very controlling and If i break the court order he rings the police. He sees her every other weekend fri to mon, once in the week plus every school hols

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 13/03/2022 18:23

Police won't care... At 12 my ds went nc with his df. Despite the court order being more in his favour. Never heard from police /solicitors /Court. Not even a text off exh!!

Original poster
Jackson21 · 13/03/2022 18:35

Oh trust me hes sent police round several times then social services, hes an absolute tool!

OP posts:
Boopeedoop · 13/03/2022 18:37

Get in touch with social services about the messages about keeping secrets.

RandomMess · 13/03/2022 18:42

Raise it as a safeguarding risk or you could speak to his current wife.

Your DD not keeping his secrets and lies may mean he stops trying to involve her.

Would DD talk to someone at school and share the texts with them?

Original poster
Jackson21 · 13/03/2022 18:49

school and social are aware and told me to speak to a solictor. his wife is as bad as he is, she belives everything he says literally, they joked 2 weeks ago he was being sent to Ukraine and might die, an hour late he rang dd and said it was a joke

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 13/03/2022 19:45

Your solicitor can apply for an order that prevents him keep taking you back to court. I got one when exh kept doing it to me unjustified. At 12 I doubt a judge would enforce anything.. Ime.

Original poster
Jackson21 · 13/03/2022 22:08

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Your solicitor can apply for an order that prevents him keep taking you back to court. I got one when exh kept doing it to me unjustified. At 12 I doubt a judge would enforce anything.. Ime.
Point is I cant afford one, I've only spoken to one on the phone as I dont qualify for legal aid like i did previously.
OP posts:
JeffThePilot · 14/03/2022 16:33

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Your solicitor can apply for an order that prevents him keep taking you back to court. I got one when exh kept doing it to me unjustified. At 12 I doubt a judge would enforce anything.. Ime.
But he doesn’t keep returning to court, if OP breaches the order he can apply for enforcement which wouldn’t be seen as vexatious or unreasonable at all. I can’t see anything which would lead to a 91(14) order being made, which is what you refer to. And plenty of orders are made for 12 year olds, albeit their wishes and feelings should be considered.

The OP can either apply to the court to vary the order proactively, or be very clear what her evidence is if she breaches the court order and is asked by the judge to explain why.

BornBlonde · 20/03/2022 00:01

He sounds awful

Bumping for you

Original poster
Jackson21 · 20/03/2022 08:55

thank you, i have police this morning to report his texts

OP posts:
BornBlonde · 24/03/2022 22:39

How did ur go with the police?

Original poster
Jackson21 · 11/04/2022 12:15

Hiya hes been spoken to about contacting me, and words of advice given, but he broke that yesterday as sent me a load of emails involving my partner so police are going round there today. Awaiting outcome of my legal aid funding to see if I can get help with court costs

OP posts:
BornBlonde · 12/04/2022 12:24

So sorry to read this. Was he given a legal warning he has breached?

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