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Relationships

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Not sure what any of this means

6 replies

FailingMum81 · 13/03/2022 13:12

So I posted on the parent to teenagers section originally as I was starting to feel like DD growing up and becoming more independent was the only issue but it almost feels like this has brought it to the surface. Have been with DDs dad 22 years, we have an average marriage, average family life, few English holidays a year both work full time etc, not well off, far from it, but can afford to eat and clothe and so on but since DD has become more independent, has her own friends, hobbies and commitments it's made me feel like I am really not sure what DH and I have any more. I've been thinking about when she leaves home, goes to uni or whatever (she has been at a friend's for the weekend) and the thought almost fills me with dread....like what do we have if we don't have her. He isn't affectionate, literally never has been since we got together but 'expects' bedroom behaviour probably once a month, I tend to make excuses every other month so I oblige about every two months but it wouldn't bother me if we never did anything like that again....don't think that is to do with him though as it has never bothered me with anyone, just not my thing. But anyway, we have come to blows a bit this morning over his lack of doing anything at home which has led to the conversation about how unhappy I feel. He has basically said he is perfectly fine,but then he will be as all the things that make me unhappy don't affect him (all the household chores, DD growing up, usual household money worries etc) I just don't know what to do, or feel, next. Not sure what I wanted to achieve from this really but guess I just needed to get it all down somewhere

OP posts:
Crumbs22 · 13/03/2022 13:41

I think this is quite common for lots of people, men and women. Sometimes it's a conscious decision to continue knowing a child or children are the only common interest for a couple with or without a plan to go separate ways when the nest is empty.

Maybe you need to take the time to think through about what you really want from life. This can be overwhelming, it's already started for you whether you want it or not from experiencing your DD's growing independence. It's really ok to want different things from a partner or spouse. 22 years is a long time and 2 people don't always grow in the same direction. It may take a long time but one day you might find the answers and be able to decide what's best for you.

GeneLovesJezebel · 13/03/2022 14:18

Firstly, how old are you as I definitely got this in peri menopause , and lots of people on here told me that you go through a shift and stop seeing your DH/DP through oestrogen filled, rose tinted glasses.
I am where you are at BTW.
Do you actually want to go out with your DH, hold his hand, kiss him ? Or have you got the ick ?
If you want to stay with him for financial or companionship, that’s ok as he’s happy as you are.
If you aren’t happy he either makes the effort to change or you make long term plans to leave.

FailingMum81 · 13/03/2022 15:38

Thank you Crumbs22. I hoped this mornings conversation would make it clearer but it really didn't. His response was basically "well I'm happy as things are but if you aren't then we should just sell up"....makes things as clear as mud :/

OP posts:
FailingMum81 · 13/03/2022 15:43

@GeneLovesJezebel

Firstly, how old are you as I definitely got this in peri menopause , and lots of people on here told me that you go through a shift and stop seeing your DH/DP through oestrogen filled, rose tinted glasses. I am where you are at BTW. Do you actually want to go out with your DH, hold his hand, kiss him ? Or have you got the ick ? If you want to stay with him for financial or companionship, that’s ok as he’s happy as you are. If you aren’t happy he either makes the effort to change or you make long term plans to leave.
I have just turned 40. Have had numerous tests for menopause as a couple of years ago I kept getting quite severe hot flushes and thought that may be the case then. I think you using the word companionship has made me think and I guess that's how I would describe us, and we have probably been that way for many many years.i also felt and probably do still feel to some extent that a companion isn't a bad thing but I can't help feeling that this ongoing unhappiness isn't a great feeling either....and the thought that I will still be in the same boat in 10, 20 or 30 years doesn't fill me with much hope for life really...but on the other hand none of that is his fault specifically. I'm not fussed about holding hands and so on as it feels like it would be done for the sake of it now because I raised it as an issue so I know he would make a point of doing it so I can't day he didn't try....but that doesn't feel like the right reason to do something either. I almost feel like I've reached a point where I can't imagine living without him but not sure it's for the right reason.
OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 13/03/2022 16:08

I really do understand.
There is no future in my marriage, I don’t love him, but the thought of being physically and financially alone is scary.

Quitelikeit · 13/03/2022 16:21

Your relationship doesn’t sound ideal but the grass is greener where you water it

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