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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can I just have a good old rant please?

12 replies

ChubbyShcotsBurd · 05/01/2008 09:30

DP is driving me bananas.

We have one of those sleepless babies and so he tends to sleep on our bed and in it with us at night because I can BF him to sleep there. Recently DP has raised concerns about our (lack of a) sex life. I have explained that I am tired and feel less than confident due to having a post-pregnancy belly akin to a train wreck. He's understanding about this. I said I wanted to try to start moving DS into his cot for the first part of the night so we had some 'us time' in bed to help build my confidence. He helped me over the course of a day move all of the furniture around so we got the cot into DS's room and so on.

Last night was night number one of trying to get him down in the cot and as expected it was a struggle, with DS spending only around 20 mins in it asleep. Fine by me, it's a start, and I know it will be a while before we see an improvement. DP then tried to settle DS in our room again and DS got worked up (DS often won't settle for DP) so when I went in to take a turn DP said "I thought this whole cot thing was a bad idea". I asked him why didn't he say anything before we moved everything round and he said "Because it wouldn't have made any difference". His only response to me asking him why he bothered to mention it at all in that case, and whether he thought it was helpful, was that he "felt like saying it". He ended up shouting at me for questioning him and then I told him to go away because we were trying to get DS to sleep an an argument not helpful obviously. He came to bed eventually, now angry with me for telling him to go away, and this morning is still grotty.

We've got a clock to hang and he asked where I wanted it hung. I said which wall (I'd already told him this when he asked previously) but said "or wherever you think is best". His response was "It doesn't matter where I want it, it'll go where you want it to go anyway". When I told him I didn't care and he could choose he just told me to fuck off. Charming.

So, he's obviously feeling left out or something. I'm obviously doing something wrong. The baby thing is tough because DS only settles well for me. I'm going back to work soon while DP becomes a SAHD, DS has been a difficult baby and we've both been under a lot of strain. I find DP doesn't take a lot of initiative but then moans that I do everything. For example, he hasn't made the effort to read any of the weaning guidelines so I had to tell him we couldn't give DS some foods yet, but he still criticised my suggestion that we try BLW.

TBH he's driving me nuts - I know I'm obviously causing him some problem but he won't just talk to me about it, he's just grumpy, snipey and plain obnoxious at the moment. Perspective please?

OP posts:
numptysmummy · 05/01/2008 09:36

Man + lack of sleep + lack of sex = moody git. Seriously though,it's not you! My dh has been exactly the same,we didn't even move dd out until she was over 1. He used to insist on getting her as she was disturbing him and i would then have her on me all night bfeeding. And then he would get a sad on because i was too tired for anything else! How old is your lo?

ConnieDescending · 05/01/2008 09:39

You have described my DH to a tee. He often makes snipey comments about everything always being my way but has no other contribution or suggestion of his own to make. Feel like I bend over backwards to accomodate what he wants sometimes.

no advice - just sympathy.....we have a 7 week old baby so I'm putting it down to stress at work, overtiredness and the time of year.

ChubbyShcotsBurd · 05/01/2008 10:07

DS is 5.5m.

It's maddening though, I feel like I can't win. If I don't do it, he won't, but then when I do he criticises and says he's had no input!

I hate that he's feeling unhappy but I won't be a doormat.

At least I'm not alone - sympathies to you both too

OP posts:
numptysmummy · 05/01/2008 10:12

I treat mine like a small child,give him limited options and if he chucks a tantrum i ignore it and walk away. Otherwise we would be arguing constantly. Be the bigger person!
Is ds your first? Mine is number 4 and we still go through this everytime!

shreksmissus · 05/01/2008 10:26

Message withdrawn

numptysmummy · 05/01/2008 10:28

Dh or toddlers?

evenhope · 05/01/2008 10:57

I was just about to start a thread like this

DH has just changed and dressed DD but left the wipes and nappy sacks on the floor, plus the dirty nappy (in a bag). She went over and picked it up to put it in her mouth.

Grabbed it off her, took it to the bathroom and said to him "you've left the dirty nappy on the floor again". His response "I expect I have. Don't worry I won't be here much longer" and a long (muttered) rant about how he tries to be kind (WTF?!)

Basically he deserves a medal for changing her so I get to clear up after him. Just like he fed her last night but left her dirty bowl and spoon and bib on the settee for me to clear up....

Paddlechick666 · 05/01/2008 12:42

you have my sympathies ladies but forgive me a little smile too.

you have reminded me that there are plus points to being a single parent!

hope they all buck up soon.

shreksmissus · 05/01/2008 23:27

Message withdrawn

shreksmissus · 05/01/2008 23:27

Message withdrawn

policywonk · 05/01/2008 23:34

Cor blimey yes, I remember DP behaving like this. I think co-sleeping can be a real challenge for some men - we've been doing it for five years now and DP still hasn't really come round to the idea.

Can you say to him: Look, we need to sit down and talk through some of these issues (sleep, weaning) as calmly as possible. Tell him that you will absolutely listen to what he says and that your aim is to find strategies on which you both agree. Can you treat yourselves to a babysitter and have the conversation over a few pints or something? DP and I dissipated a lot of tension by having a conversation like this.

If your DP is about to become a SAHD, he might well be feeling despondent that your DS is still so dependent on you - it might be making him question whether he'll be able to do it. It's in your interests to build up his confidence.

Julezboo · 05/01/2008 23:48

Same in this house too, DP moans he doesnt get much of an opinion in this house but whenever I do ask hi i just get "whatever"

We have also agreed that anything said between 7pm and 7am everynight we need to ignore. Due to lack of sleep.

DS is 11 month old now and things are much better there is light at the end ladies, we have had a shitty time between us since ds came along poor little thing quite often gets the blame But we love him all the same

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