I’ve name changed as there’s so much going on but it’s all very outing if someone recognises this.
My mum is very Ill and has spent the last 2 weeks in intensive care. It’s meant certain family members have been in touch, including one who was involved with my childhood abuse / rape. They aren’t directly responsible, but were part of it and I cut them out my life 15 years ago as I just couldn’t cope with the association. Since they have been back in touch with my siblings I feel like I can’t cope. I can’t breath, I can’t think, I want to run away and the urge to self harm is strong. The doctor has given me sleeping tablets and anxiety meds, but I need to function as I am now caring for my mums other children while she is in hospital. It’s basically a mess.
Alongside this, my partner and I have been trying for a baby for the last year. We had a traumatic miscarriage coming up 12 months ago, where I haemorrhaged in front of my 8year old. It was beyond horrific. My partners daughter announced she was pregnant a few days ago, which is lovely, but I’m struggling so much with the excitement and happiness and baby chat. My partner is so happy to be a grandad, and (as ugly as it sounds) I’m jealous.
I know I need to get over these feelings because she is going to need me/ us (she’s young) and I don’t want to damage our relationship as she’s bloody lovely. My partner SHOULD feel excited, I’m glad people are happy, but I’ve come back to bed to hide because I just can’t cope with it right now.
I don’t know what I need from writing this all down. There’s nothing to do except keep ploughing through all this. But god I want to run away so badly. I feel like I’m struggling to hold everything together and I don’t know how to make it better so I am cope easier?