Alcohol, my dp & me - this could be long by the time I've finished

[tullytwo]

Dp loves drinking basically - doesnt necessarily drink every day though but if there is alcohol in the house he will drink until its gone without a day off iykwim.

For example last night he came home with 3 bottles of wine that a client had left for him over christmas and said he was going to have a glass and then have a cuppa with me as it was nearly 10 pm. Of course he drank the whole bottle, fell asleep on the couch until 3am and then finally came to bed.

This is a bit of a pattern for him as far as drinking at home goes.

When he goes out I hate it as he will get completely ratted and stagger home at all hours. Fair enough he doesnt go out very often but when he does its always the same.

Anyhow I definitely have a bit of uptightedness @ drinking. Had a few years in my younger days of doing the whole on the lash thing but dont really enjoy it anymore and rarely do drink at all. My dad was a bit of a boozer but he could handle his booze a lot better then dp.

So I inevitably I get really uptight when he brings drink home and it leads to tension in the house.

I feel he thinks I just have issues and am uptight. He acknowledges that he loves to drink and cant have alcohol in the house or he will drink it but yet doesnt do anything about it.

I did speak to him over xmas and asked him to just cut it back at christmas as it really upset me which he said he would do and then didnt.

For example he went to tescos for a few bits and pieces and came back with another 5 bottles of cava which I didnt want or need.

Basically I guess I want to know if this is normal for him or normal for me hating it. I really feel its destroying our relationship a bit but when I try to talk @ it he just says I am uptight.

Feel better just getting that all off my chest tbh. Thankyou if you have got this far and can make sense of what Iam saying!

Thanks for replying - am so stressed out @ this.

I dont think he is aware of how seriously I view this although I have tried to convey it.

I know I am uptight @ it - I do try to not be.

I miss being able to go out and have a few drinks and get a bit squiffy together - cant do that anymore as he always takes it too far.

Oh I dont know what to do - I try not to care and just let him get on with it but I end up being relly tense then at home which makes it worse.

To be honest I dont know if it would register if I explained what it was doing to me - he would blame my analness and say that his behaviour is normal.

I guess I just have to find a way to live with it dont I?

you say he can't have alcohol in the house without drinking it and that if he does go out he gets utterly ratted - doesn't sound like he has a healthy relationship with alcohol

if you don;t like it, and feel it is destroying your relationship then he has to start taking a look at his issues with drink

the fact he is defensive about it, and telling you it is you with the issue "you are uptight" is a sign of someone who doesn't want to face up to something

talk to him - calmly and rationally

He always says he just enjoys drinking and whats the harm?

Do other peoples partner drink a lot at home? I have no idea as to what is normal tbh.

I know friends hubbies have the occasional beer at home or at the pub but not to the degree dp does or if they do its very rarely - xmas work party sort of thing.

See this is where I am so unceratin of myself. I have been with dp so long and since I was so young that I often cant distinguish between his view of me and how I really am - if that makes sense. I tend to believe his view of me as he knows me so well.

I think he would find it a bit ridiculous if I explained how much this affects me because I cant always qualify it to him.

Both DP and I drink too heavily, so I can see this from both sides. I think Christmas is a hard time time to ask a drinker to cut back, I wouldnt have responded well if my DP had asked me, but I am very seriously cutting back now for the next few months.

You said he drinks whatever is in the house, but only drank one of the three bottles of wine he got from work, so he does limit what he drinks. Talk to him, but I would recomend acknowledging he enjoys drinking, and can have some nights when he can relax and drink what he wants.

I have articulated to DP my concerns about over-drinking, health etc and I have got through to him, but I went very gently.

He has a problematic relationship with alcohol.

I would read the thread on this relationships page entitled "SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS" and introduce yourself on there. There are others going through the same situation as you.

You need to remember the three C's - you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. There are no guarantees here with him - he may lose everything and still carry on drinking. You are ultimately only responsbile for your own self and any children you have as their Mother.

Do you think he is an alcoholic?. This is his "normal" and it is normal for you to hate it. If he is not willing or able to accept he has a problem with alcohol then there is not much you can yourself do to persuade him otherwise. Many people with such problems are often mired in denial and also underestimate to their own selves how much they are drinking. Talking to him calmly and rationally may also get you nowhere as he's not willing to hear it.

You can help your own self though - I would contact Al-anon as they can support family members of problem drinkers.

Do you have children together?. Its not doing them any favours seeing their Dad like this.

Do your friends and family know that he's drinking so much or do you try and keep this from them?.

i enjoy a glass of wine but i wouldn't regularly drink a bottle a night

i can happily have alcohol in the house and not feel compelled to drink it

i think attilla'a advice is good

Think back, when did this man start drinking, you say you've been with him for a long time. Was he drinking heavily back then?. What started his drinking like this?. He may not care to remember himself.

Do his relations drink heavily?

Was there a time when you've been with him when he has not drunk like this, what's the longest period of time he has gone without alcohol?.

Does he return home drunk every time he goes out?.

Would you be willing to talk to your own GP re his problem?.

Sorry for all the questions but you need to think about the above too for your own sake.

The kids dont see him drunk - I obviously havent explained it properly.

Its not like he is bladdered every night at all but yes I do agree he has a problem with alcohol.

Many people drink socially and do not have problems with alcohol. It is when such a substance is used primarily as an emotional crutch then it can become more problematic.

Your children may well not see him drunk but they're not stupid and likely know there is something amiss between the two of you. They are likely picking up on the fact you are unhappy, they may hear him drunk and besides which they may well be aware of the empties in the recycling.

They also growing up in a house where their Dad has drinking problems will do them no favours at all; they may well go onto choose such people themselves as a partner when they form relationships of their own.

If nothing else consider the effects his behaviour is having on all of you. You're all being affected by his behaviour.

To be honest the picture you paint attila sounds very extreme compared to the reality.

I have questioned my situation and I am not in denial - it is a problem but not as severe as you perceive or I as have possibly misrepresented.

The person you describe also fits most of the male population I would think. Certainly where I live.

I have tried to broach it with him again this morning as he claims he has been drinking because things are so bad between us - a fact I wasnt aware of. He often says this and I feel it is just partly an excuse.

Things are bad for me because he is drinking every night nearly - fair enough not loads but definitely a bottle of wine. When I say this he doesnt seem to acknowledge that. He says things are bad so he may as well get bladdered and they will work themselves out eventually.

I dont think things are bad and was not aware he thought that either.

His brother drinks very heavily I would say but seems to handle it. His parents are very religious and teetotal. I think he sees everyone else drinking like this and so do I and doesnt see it as a problem - I am the problem for minding.

He does acknowledge he drinks too much but thats it.

Is it normal to drink at home several nights a week?

Did the AA questionnaire and as far as I am concerned he ticks 9 answers yes on it.

I think he thinks I am being very dramatic and I am constantly questionning whether I am or not.

I dont expect any replies I just feel better being able to vocalise this in some way.

From what I read your reality does not sound very good at all least of all your children who are likely picking up on all of this.

I am only going by what you have written. He is making you doubt your own self. You feel that his alcohol dependence is causing problems in your relationship. If there are other problems in your relationships as he suggests then he should realise that alcohol is certainly not going to solve them. You write that he does acknowledge he drinks too much but that's it. What does that tell you?. So the ball is very much in your court. Am not suggesting that you are in denial at all but you need proper support.

Would suggest you talk with Al-anon, they have a helpline. I suggest you call it. I will put up their web details for you.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)

He definatly has a problem. We have booze at home, we like the occasional drink, but we have bottles on the shelf for months. They don't HAVE to be drunk just because they are there. Also not being able to go out without getting rat arsed is not right. I enjoy going out but I don't get rat arsed neither does DH, why bother? it doesn't make the evening any better to be laughed at behind your back for being a slob.