Would you leave?

[Rainyday22]

I have been with my boyfriend 3 years. I moved in with him after about a year. I had my own house & considered renting but couldn’t be bothered with the hassle. So I sold it after we had been living together a year. The trouble is the house we are living in he has lived in with 2 ex partners before me. I also told him before I sold my house that I’m okay with the situation for now but eventually I would want to buy somewhere together. But 3 years on he never mentions the future (other than things like holidays) and I’m now at the point where I want to move on. This will always be his home, not mine, and I just feel like I’m another girlfriend he’s moved in. I have tried to bring this up recently but he has a way of giving a “politicians answer” where we have a conversation with nothing resolved. I know he loves me but it’s all on his terms, and I’m now thinking should I just leave? But then I know he doesn’t want to split up & I don’t want to hurt him. I feel like I’m going round in circles!

If I were you I’d leave, and I wish you’d rented your house, as this would have been so much easier.
But for you I think you need to give him an ultimatum, he commits to buying together with a time frame or it’s over.
Don’t waste your life on someone who doesn’t want the same as you.

@GeneLovesJezebel I know, I did consider it but i know people who have had bad renters. I even discussed it with him & he thought I should sell. His life hasn’t changed at all & I’m resentful I’ve made changes with the view we would buy somewhere together & now it seems he’s happy with the set up we have.

Yes, leave. A terrible shame you sold your own house, it was your space and your asset alone. He’s made you more dependent on him. I’m sorry.

I'm sorry. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy.

You've spent three years on him. He's shown his true colours. Don't waste another three years.

Three years is nothing really. Rebuild your life with someone who wants to work with you and be a partnership.

He's not listening because he doesn't care.

I hope you haven't put the proceeds of the sale into his house?

What happens if you need a new settee or microwave? Is it joint input or his house/his decision?

Even if I gave him an ultimatum, I think I would always feel resentful that it took me to do that for us to move on. He just seems set in his ways but doesn’t care I’m in a vulnerable position. It would be so much easier to leave if the relationship was bad but I’m getting more resentful each day!

No I haven’t invested anything in his house other than paying my share of the bills. I would buy things like a kettle but anything bigger I would leave to him. I’ve purposely tried not to lose out anymore than I already have.

"It would be so much easier to leave if the relationship was bad but I’m getting more resentful each day!"

It is bad and indeed he does not care that you are now in a vulnerable position. Resentment may well further turn to hate. Do not get further bogged down in your sunk costs. Rebuild your life without him in it.

Resentment means your relationship is probably over. He’s not mature enough to be co-habiting. Life can be so much better than this.

My god, staying with someone as you don’t want to hurt their feelings is the worst idea ever! Why are you centering the feelings of someone who clearly is not centering you?

He doesn’t care much about your feelings, or practical vulnerability does he?

This is not a good relationship and, importantly, it’s one that doesn’t meet what you need from a relationship.

Leave.

Resentment is a relationship killer, and I e certainly never found a way to make it disappear.
I think it’s time to start looking at properties, and move out, whether you stay together or not.
Independence is a great asset.

Leave. You tried your best with what you could do. Now it's obvious he sees no reason to make any effort towards your future together. Cut your losses, don't waste any more time or money and go. Nobody wants to split up, no one wants to get hurt but please put yourself first and do what's best for you.

I agree but then when I think about actually telling him I’m leaving I can’t put into words what my reason would be? I’m leaving you because you aren’t talking about buying a house together? And if he minimises it do I literally just pack my stuff and move out? The relationship hasn’t come to a natural end so it just doesn’t feel right to leave even though I know I should.

And if it does come to a natural end where are you going to go, do you have family ?

The relationship has come to a natural end. You want different things.

You don't want this future. And he won't talk to you about it.

Sit him down. Say this is a deal breaker. The plan was to get your own place together. What's happening. Don't be fobbed off.

But I guess you've spoken already about it. He's dismissed your opinions and feelings. So where do you go from here?

You don’t need to say much bar he clearly is happy with the situation and you’re not. He’s content to stay where 2 previous girlfriends have been, you’re not. I’d find that’d to get over too.

I think all you need to say is you moved in with the intention of buying another property and you're going to do that now then buy another house, he has the option of coming with you, or not.

I suppose a good question is whether you actually want to get legally bound up with him in a mortgage, considering his behaviour so far.

Honestly I'd tell him you're going to start viewing houses to buy and ask if he wants to buy with you or not.

You know where you stand then.

If he says no, fine, find yourself a lovely home.
If he says yes, great. Get his on the market.

Would you consider buying your own house/flat and just dating? If you don't want to split up

Leave. After 3 years, 2 of which living together, you should be discussing long term plans.

If you get a mortgage with him, he'll probably not treat you as a life partner.

If you want DC, leave now

If 'leaving' seems too much then maybe you need to crack out the 'it's not you, it's me' line...

@MostlyHappyMummy no, that would feel like a backwards step. I think after 3 years I shouldn’t be walking on egg shells when discussing the future. Like an above poster said he’s happy with the situation but I’m not. I just need to be brave and tell him properly!