Relationship with my mum(trigger warning)

[LovelyNanny26]

Hi Can someone please explain to me what's wrong with my relationship between me and my mum.I'm 35 mum of one and happily married.I also own my home and I have a pretty well paid job.On the surface I'm very happy but on the inside that's another story.I never got on with my really she at times could be loving but also aggressive if not to day violent.Never forget the moment she slapped me with a gym shoe to the point I nearly blacked out.She never had anything nice to say and calling her is an absolute chore.I also have two brothers but we never really speak and contact with my dad is nonexistent.He's a man of few words quite childish and was never around.You can almost say mum is a bully and tried to stop me from going back to work when my maternity finished but texting me nasty things.I can never post a picture on social media without being scrutinised such as a table full of food and vine doesn't necessary makes you an alcoholic.She has no friends either and never goes out.However my hatred towards her come from the fact that she didn't protect me when she should.I was sexually abused as a child by a family member.Hes still much around and participates in family gatherings.My mum found a letter(it was quite normal for her go through my stuff).Everything got swept under the carpet and we never spoke about it before.I was expected to be in his company at all times.I have also found my dirty from that period and I full of hatred towards my mum.I was quite shocked reading it.In the end I left home at the age of 19 and moved to England.Due to pandemic I have made to avoid seeing my parents for the last 2 years and they haven't seen my son and my son would like to see them.But I'm not convinced because it is normal and sweet for about 3 days and then everything about me and my job get scrutinised.It almost feels they're picking on you.I will also add that my husband comes from broken family so he's very hang up on the idea of perfect families especially when sees our friends with their families.Thqnk you for reading.

so sorry OP your mum is just awful and not supportive of you as a normal mum should be

Your Mum was not a good Mum.
She didn't protect you when she should have. She caused you pain.

She's incredibly lucky that you talk to her at all.
You don't have to if it still makes you feel bad, none if this is your fault

Your mother was abusive to you as a child and additionally failed to protect you from being abused. She has not changed in all the years since and neither has your dad (he's also abjectly failed you as a parent here too). The fault lies entirely with the people who did this to you.

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is and you did not make her that way either. I would continue to protect your son from such people like your parents.

You may find contacting NAPAC helpful. Link is here:-
napac.org.uk/

Thanks Guys.I only speak to her because of my son otherwise I would of cut ties with her and her negativity is really getting me.She didn't have the best childhood herself.My grandad was a abusive alcoholic and not a very nice man.It all stopped when he had a stroke.But my understanding is that if you didn't have the best childhood wouldn't you make it better for your children?My dad's parents were just as bad.My husband thinks I should at least make an effort with my dad but I don't think I can.How can you have a relationship with some who was absent most of your life(working and not doing much childcare) and we never got that time back.

Your child needs to be protected from such malign influences like your parents. If you're finding your mother difficult/toxic/abusive to deal with its the same deal for your son too. Children need emotionally healthy grandparents, neither of yours fit the bill here.

What are you getting out of this relationship with your mother now other than a whole host of pain and upset?.

Your childhood was also abusive and yet you presumably would not treat your child in similar ways to how you were. Your parents had a choice here and they kept on making poor choices, they took the low road and perhaps never wanted to seek out the necessary help. Many people do not have ideal childhoods and choose not to inflict what happened to them onto their (now adult) children. You do not have to make any sort of effort with either parent here and certainly not because your H would like it (besides which your dad could have and should have done more years ago to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviour). You cannot create a closer relationship that was not at all there in the first place.

Your H has his own mixed up ideals about "perfect families" from his own traumatic childhood as well. Would he be willing to address this through counselling?. He has the ideal family unit; your son and you as his own family.

You both need counselling as this stuff is huge. As you raise your child you will keep thinking about how your parents didn’t treat you as they should and you need support with that.

At some point you will need to tell your son ‘my mum wasn’t very nice to me’ so he can deal with people like that. And that will be hard for you.

My mother was also abusive like yours. My biggest regret is that I perpetuated the whole “My kids deserve a relationship with their grandmother” crap. She attempted to manipulate and weaponise my kids. She died when they were 12, 12 & 14, and they have no memories of her as any kind of positive force in their lives. Don’t do it.

Some parents are loving and some are abusive.
Abusive parents are not your responsibility you can not change them from being abusive. If they got themselves help
And recognised their abuse you might have a chance at a normal
Relationship. However abusers are abusers because they don’t seek help and won’t change. No matter what you do or say nothing changes. This is not your fault and not your problem this is not you this is them.

My parents are abusive. They told us they never wanted children. They abused me physically emotionally and mentally for 45 years until I said enough. Enough for my children enough for me. I said I wanted a relationship that was normal and

My husbands dad wasn't a nice man and his mum is mentally not well and two years ago his sister killed herself due to ongoing mental health issues.Seeing my parents always ends on the bad note and Im never left with good experiences.E

It is very understandable that you both want a lovely ‘normal’ family life. Sadly neither of you had that. But you can have it now with your own new family

Oh honey, sorry if that sounds patronising but I've spent the last two years trying to fix things with my mum and I've realised now that my focus should have been to protect my peace

Please don't try and generate a relationship with your Dad if it doesn't exist. If he is a decent man and reciprocates, only give what he happily gives ykwim.

Protect yourself.

My therapist recommended self-compassion to me, as a practice. It's not just two words. I have a work book here with about 22 chapters and I'm working my way through it. Building my own intentions. It's by Kristen Neff phd and Christopher Germer Phd. I went to the therapist because my mother is impossible to get through to and I was driving myself crazy trying. Now, after 18 months of therapy and 2/3rd of the way through this book, my focus has finally shifted from ''fixing this'' to protecting my peace.

Take it easy and Don't feel obliged to race to see your mother just because the pandemic is over. you can say it doesn't work for you right now.

xx

Ps, I don't know if you're Irish by any chance but I moved to the UK from ireland, and I only managed to get geographical distance, she still owned me because I never dealt with our ''enmeshment''. I still needed her to approve all my decisions and she would control me with her disapproval, tight lips and her silent treatments. So, a decade + in london and when I returned, I hadn't matured much in that regard. I was back to square one.

Jerry wise and Patrick Teahan and also Jay reid all on youtube have good videos about family dynamics. I can really recommend them.
They all have excellent content.

Your mother sounds a bit of a narcissist which is always a very hard label to give to your own mother. I find it hard. I prefer to think of her as extremely defensive with little empathy and unable to comprehend that there is another perspective besides her own.

I have to correct myself there. Your mum is not a ''bit'' of a narcissist. She is an abusive narcissist. She made you socialise with a family member she knew had abused you.

Can you arrange some therapy for yourself? I did that during lockdown. I was dying for a haircut and dying for a therapy session at one point! I arranged the therapy and it was the best thing ever.

Because of my parents' parenting of me, at first, I thought ''she's being too kind to me'' and I thought, how can this help. I thought therapy was somebody telling you to be stronger and better. But in the end, something clicked and i got it and I ''allowed'' the therapist to validate my experiences and my perspective and now I feel I have the right to my OWN INTERPRETATION of my life. This is big for me.

It was only every second week so it wasn't too expensive.

I'm from Poland and cutting ties with your family is still a tabo.My dad is battling his own mental health problems due to PTSD/drinking to cope.I just don't have the patience for it.If they call me I'm always full of anxiety and they they demand from me to call them every week regardless.I don't always have time and my husband and are busy with our son.

this is a really good book

I know it's hard to find the time but it encourages you to be kind to yourself in your thinking, in your intentions, in your focus.

at one point I really needed to be heard. I will never be heard by my parents but I built an intention around this longing. ''May I be heard. May I be understood. May I be seen''. I think it helps you gravitate towards people who give you what you have recognised that you need. With the help of this work book I was able to identify what I needed at a certain point. To be heard. And I heard myself. I honoured my account. With so much self-compassion I gave absolute credence to my own interpretation of events.

I now FEEL more heard even though I wasn't.

I definitely recommend therapy as well. But this work book is a bit of a reparenting exercise.

It's taboo because it's not what they want!

But you are entitled to change your focus from serving their needs to prioritising your own.

I'm glad for you that there is this much distance between you and them.

I do understand absolutely though, I feel a bit trashy telling people that I'm not in much contact with my mother right now.

it's less embarrassing to tag ''right now'' on to the end of it. Even though I just want to protect my peace now. She still wants me to absorb all of her projections. Her stance is still '''respect my right to hurt you'' and I cannot go back to that.

But, I think telling people you're not in touch with your family can be a bit awkward. I get that.

In England you won't have to explain yourself as they're so far away. And to them, I would send shorter replies. Leave longer between each communication. Never run any decisions past them. Keep things bland. While you're going grey rock on them, being like a robot, you can be privately working on your own detachment from caring about what they think. That isn't an easy process. It took me about two years of such pain to get to the point where I finally feel I can just live with all of the bullshit they've projected on to me to endorse their own rosy views of themselves. Even though I can tolerate it now (just) I'm not testing it by going back to them for more of the same.

I am sure lots of people who settle in another country do so because of a difficult family. I’ve heard of quite a few! So don’t think you are alone in this

That's great news that live miles away.

Just cut contact and concentrate on your nuclear family and making good family friends. You don't owe abusive parents your sanity.

@LovelyNanny26 - I have spent some time in Eastern European countries and I think there is a well-known problem with alcohol dependency, DV and MH problems throughout. Perhaps it’s the prolonged, multigenerational trauma from growing up through all the political turmoils and changes, I don’t know. While I don’t think that knowing this will change your situation, nor do I think it should change your decision to keep your kid away from abusive people (who traumatize their mum), some understanding may help you find some peace within yourself.

Hello Justilou1.DV was very much so normalised in my family.My grandad was very abusive towards my mum and her sisters and their mum.My mum even helped him with his personal care when he was dying from cancer.On the other hand my mums sister is married to abusive alcoholic.Whem I was little I remmber overhearing a conversation between my grandad and mum about his violent temper.They were always I my company/family gatherings.My mum never tried to exclude them.

@LovelyNanny26

Thanks Guys.I only speak to her because of my son otherwise I would of cut ties with her and her negativity is really getting me.She didn't have the best childhood herself.My grandad was a abusive alcoholic and not a very nice man.It all stopped when he had a stroke.But my understanding is that if you didn't have the best childhood wouldn't you make it better for your children?My dad's parents were just as bad.My husband thinks I should at least make an effort with my dad but I don't think I can.How can you have a relationship with some who was absent most of your life(working and not doing much childcare) and we never got that time back.

Why do you think your son needs a relationship with her?

He doesn't

I know it’s hard - especially when you are under pressure (guilt trips, financial pressure, etc) to set boundaries, but you and your child live in a society where this kind of behaviour is not normalized or accepted. (It is often covered up so it’s still there, though!) Meanwhile, you have to find an age-appropriate way to explain to your child that you live in a different way to your family. Things happened to you that were very bad and you don’t want to risk that happening to your child - ever. You need to trust that your child is safe physically and mentally, and that means keeping them away from your extended birth family.

*Just sharing a little story about the insidiousness of my mother’s manipulation. After she had been to visit for a few days, my son who was 5 at the time, went into shut-down. It took a lot to get it out of him, but she had him convinced that as the eldest (and the one with the most money) she was the boss of the entire family. If he didn’t convince me to do whatever SHE wanted, then she would have me removed from my family, moving in with my husband to look after my kids. It took him a while to believe that she didn’t have the power to do that.

Wow, poor kid. Feeling the weight of that ''mission'' on his shoulders.

@Lurking9to5 - letting you know that he’s a well-adjusted nearly 16 year old now who pats me on the head.