Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Co parenting - what's it like?

11 replies

treasure47 · 13/03/2022 07:08

Possible separation with DH, we have a young (almost 3) DS. One thing that I keep thinking about and hate the idea of is being away from him and having to "share" him. I'd likely have him throughout the week and DH would take him on a weekend because of his working hours (with the occasional weekend off so that he has time for himself?)

People that have gone through this - what's it like? Do the children manage okay?

I think I'll probably feel so guilty him being away from me and his parents not being together, even though if it happens it would be my decision to separate.

Part of me thinks I'd quite like the time to myself (as I get none atm!) but then I think the guilt would just take over. Or do you just sort of get used to it? Then I think about him starting school and I'd see him even less! I can see why having children makes it sooo much harder to separate 😔

OP posts:
Milomonster · 13/03/2022 07:22

Being in an amicable relationship with your ex will make it much much easier. I k ie people dealing with very toxic exs and it has a horrific impact on the kids. I divorced when DS when 5 and he is a very happy and well-adjusted child. His father is a man-child extraordinaire but he sees DS regularly. We only converse about DS. Having time to yourself is a huge bonus, and I love it. It takes time to get used to a new routine, but as long as you are taking care of yourself, you will have the strength to help your child adjust. Having a child and divorcing was much easier than living in a miserable and toxic marriage with a man who was selfish and self-centered and needed me to teach him how to parent.

PicaK · 13/03/2022 07:28

It's OK. There are times I miss them. And times I cheerily wave them off. I guess at the start I'd feel lost and almost freeze until they cam back - but I know a few who'd been thru that stage so I kinda went with it.

If you don't already do it It's good to teach little one now that you can miss people and still have a good time. Just verbalise it at nursery pick up etc. "oh I missed you today but I had a good time at work" Do they never feel guilt about enjoying themselves with the other parent.
Try to think long term, at least 2-3 years ahead, so there's always a plan you're working towards. Things are going to change and adapt quite often.
Often men start demanding 50/50. Tempting tho it is to tell them to do one - negotiating wise it's not the best move. Steer towards mediation, let the 3rd party be the one to whack them with the "how will you look after them in the week". "But is that the best thing for little one?" They'll hear it from them in a way they just won't from you.
Maybe they'll come up with a good solution and you need to adapt a bit too.
You have 15 years of communication to get through

SmartCar · 13/03/2022 07:30

Watching 🥰

Legoisaws8om · 13/03/2022 07:37

I'd be mindful of being firm that they can't just have all weekends as otherwise you never get time with the kids without work/school. And as PP have said if they want 50/50 it needs to be properly 50/50 not in a way that suits them only. E.g. 7 nights out of 14 that includes the weeknights and they have to pick up and drop off from school. Otherwise you won't see the benefits of separating. Is the reason your separating because their father does nothing now?

Donutsforbreakfast · 13/03/2022 07:50

It all depends on your relationship with your ex.
I split with my DDs father when she was 2.5 and we have been amicable ever since. My daughter can't remember us together so from that angle it's fine. She is well supported in both households and because we get along, it's been easy. We both have new families and everyone gets on well. She does the traditional every other weekend and one night midweek at her dad's and honestly, I love the freedom of time to myself on the weekends she is away. It let's me recharge and be a better parent when she returns. The only time it's hard is when she is away on holiday with her dad, but he is very good at staying in touch and now she is older she stays in touch too.
On the flip side, my partner has a difficult relationship with his ex and that has made things a lot harder when it comes to co parenting. They had a messy breakup and subsequent divorce and it continues to cast a shadow over their ability to work as a team for their kids. It's hard work.
So there's a lot to think about. Keep things civil with your ex if you can, this might be the hardest part, but it will benefit you all massively if you can, and everything else will slot into place if you get this part right.

Donutsforbreakfast · 13/03/2022 07:58

I should also add to my previous post, (because I was really thinking about how you might feel from my perspective), that my DD is a very well adjusted child, and thrives with 2 happy homes, it really has never been an issue for her. Myself and my ex have had to work on our relationship post split but it's been pretty easy and, worth it in every way.

Original poster
treasure47 · 13/03/2022 08:07

@Milomonster

Being in an amicable relationship with your ex will make it much much easier. I k ie people dealing with very toxic exs and it has a horrific impact on the kids. I divorced when DS when 5 and he is a very happy and well-adjusted child. His father is a man-child extraordinaire but he sees DS regularly. We only converse about DS. Having time to yourself is a huge bonus, and I love it. It takes time to get used to a new routine, but as long as you are taking care of yourself, you will have the strength to help your child adjust. Having a child and divorcing was much easier than living in a miserable and toxic marriage with a man who was selfish and self-centered and needed me to teach him how to parent.
"Man-child extraordinaire" made me laugh 😂

Yea I think being amicable will make all the difference and I think that would really be up to DH how that goes as it wouldn't be his choice to separate and it's not what he wants. I think given time though he'd be able to be civil with me and hopefully we'd be able to have a good relationship. I actually think we get on better when the pressures of a romantic relationship aren't there (at least from my perspective)

OP posts:
Original poster
treasure47 · 13/03/2022 08:10

@PicaK

It's OK. There are times I miss them. And times I cheerily wave them off. I guess at the start I'd feel lost and almost freeze until they cam back - but I know a few who'd been thru that stage so I kinda went with it.

If you don't already do it It's good to teach little one now that you can miss people and still have a good time. Just verbalise it at nursery pick up etc. "oh I missed you today but I had a good time at work" Do they never feel guilt about enjoying themselves with the other parent.
Try to think long term, at least 2-3 years ahead, so there's always a plan you're working towards. Things are going to change and adapt quite often.
Often men start demanding 50/50. Tempting tho it is to tell them to do one - negotiating wise it's not the best move. Steer towards mediation, let the 3rd party be the one to whack them with the "how will you look after them in the week". "But is that the best thing for little one?" They'll hear it from them in a way they just won't from you.
Maybe they'll come up with a good solution and you need to adapt a bit too.
You have 15 years of communication to get through

Thank you - that's a really good idea. I'm not sure he would go for 50/50. He works quite long days and every other Saturday morning so he'd likely have DS during the week if he has annual leave. My workplace is more flexible with working hours so it would be easier for me to adapt my hours around school hours etc.

I guess like anything it would just time time to get used to.

OP posts:
Original poster
treasure47 · 13/03/2022 08:12

@Legoisaws8om

I'd be mindful of being firm that they can't just have all weekends as otherwise you never get time with the kids without work/school. And as PP have said if they want 50/50 it needs to be properly 50/50 not in a way that suits them only. E.g. 7 nights out of 14 that includes the weeknights and they have to pick up and drop off from school. Otherwise you won't see the benefits of separating. Is the reason your separating because their father does nothing now?
Yes that's a good point! Because of his working hours he wouldn't really be able to do the school pick ups for example, but that's some time away so could be worked out. No that wouldn't be the reason. We've been together a long time (since we were teens, each other's only partner) and I just feel like we've grown apart (I have anyway, feel like I've outgrown the relationship) and I don't love him the way I should, and the way he loves me. He doesn't do nothing but I do the majority - he could definitely do more.
OP posts:
Original poster
treasure47 · 13/03/2022 08:14

@Donutsforbreakfast

It all depends on your relationship with your ex. I split with my DDs father when she was 2.5 and we have been amicable ever since. My daughter can't remember us together so from that angle it's fine. She is well supported in both households and because we get along, it's been easy. We both have new families and everyone gets on well. She does the traditional every other weekend and one night midweek at her dad's and honestly, I love the freedom of time to myself on the weekends she is away. It let's me recharge and be a better parent when she returns. The only time it's hard is when she is away on holiday with her dad, but he is very good at staying in touch and now she is older she stays in touch too. On the flip side, my partner has a difficult relationship with his ex and that has made things a lot harder when it comes to co parenting. They had a messy breakup and subsequent divorce and it continues to cast a shadow over their ability to work as a team for their kids. It's hard work. So there's a lot to think about. Keep things civil with your ex if you can, this might be the hardest part, but it will benefit you all massively if you can, and everything else will slot into place if you get this part right.
That's such a positive outcome! What a lovely thing to see that she's thriving and happy 😊 I definitely agree that you need time to recharge and time away from DC. I always find that after even a day away from DS (not at work), I find that I have so much more patience and I feel like I'm a better parent.
OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 13/03/2022 10:07

Enjoy it! Me and my ex spilt up and he decided to not see the children at all, I would love a regular break, in time I think you will appreciate having some time to yourself even if it seems like you won’t now.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page