How important is raw sexual attraction / lust in the early stages of dating?

[Lpc3]

How important do you think raw sexual attraction is when you start dating someone?

I've been on a number of dates with someone (had sex multiple times) who has a lot of good qualities however there isn't really any great sexual attraction. That isn't to say I find them unattractive in any way but more neutral.

They're clearly very sexually attracted to me and I'd almost say a bit smitten (to the point of pedalstalling me which I find slightly unnerving). As I say they have a number of great qualities and I'm confident would make a great long term partner in lots of important ways.

I feel now is the time I need to make a decision on how to proceed before they get hurt (they have had poor relationship experience in the past so I need to be careful how I deal with this).

I see lots of people out who I'm attracted to and wonder if I'm selling us both short or just being silly and potentially ruining a good thing.

Is sexual attraction super important to you?

In a word, yes. My last relationship failed due to my lack of physical attraction to him, it got worse and worse, so I ended it.

Yes it’s crucial.
If the attraction isn’t there, don’t do it.

I think it depends. How did you meet? How long have you known him? How many times have you seen him? I will sometimes be attracted to someone immediately and then it just…dies. In other situations I find attraction can grow and then suddenly someone you didn’t really notice or see in that way at all becomes the hottest, most attractive person imaginable once you’ve spent a bit of time with them. This has happened to me a number of times. With my husband, we were good friends first, I wasn’t attracted to him (or unattracted - I just didn’t think about it or feel much) and then over about six months it changed. For whatever reason, I gradually became more and more attracted to him. I was pretty much in love with him before we’d even kissed. That was 22 years ago.
Having said that, if you’re unattracted to someone (as opposed to neutral) I’d say it’s probably not worth waiting to see if that changes!!

I don’t think it’s so crucial. In fact I think it can mask red flags. Think about how many people fall in lust, have children, then break up, all over the course of 5 years. There’s a great deal to be said for a solid, honourable and compassionate partner, whether or not they blow your skirt up.

@Lpc3

It is important AND it can develop. I've been in LTR relationships with 3 men who I didn't initially have the 'wow you're hot' feeling, and since we've split up it's definitely gone back to 'nope, not my type' - but while we were together after feelings grew and I got know them more, I truly believed they were THE most beautiful humans alive!

Give it time, but not too much time!

I believe if it is not there initially move on. I think a lot of people settle or never even have a glimpse of that lust that turns into the deep well of connection.

Yes but I think it can also be attractive to have someone very into you if that makes sense.

Also agree that attraction can grow or wane the more you get to know someone.

Yes I think without it, you are much more likely to get the ick!!

@SalsaLove

I don’t think it’s so crucial. In fact I think it can mask red flags. Think about how many people fall in lust, have children, then break up, all over the course of 5 years. There’s a great deal to be said for a solid, honourable and compassionate partner, whether or not they blow your skirt up.

Absolutely this.

At best it ends in “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, sometimes accompanied by “never really loved you, never any passion” and sometimes an OW.

There are so many of those threads. Longer term any partner will realise you aren’t that attracted to them, and it’s a big turn off.

They/them? Are you dating multiple ppl?

I hadn’t had sex for 10 yrs the accepted a date with a new man, just holding hands felt good, a couple of dates later I was his, it is so good when you have a man who really cares. I won’t call it lust but definitely passion, having a passionate man is so good.

Thanks for your replies - quite a mix which isn't unexpected.

I totally agree if you don't really fancy someone there is a higher chance of the ick factor making an appearance down the line. On the flip side that early lust fuelled stage ends anyway so if the other aspects are good doesn't it make sense to give it a go?

Perhaps the best bet is just to continue dating and see how it progresses.

We met socially through a mutual group of friends.

I'm a man dating a woman by the way, not sure if that changes anything.

Thanks again.

I’d be more worried by the pedestalising. I dated a guy who did this, and it was very off-putting (despite his other lovely qualities) as it suggested low self-esteem.

@Lpc3

Man/woman advice remains the same :-)

PS - I would love someone to do the 'pedalstalling' on me, it would make a refreshing change :-)

Personally I would say don’t go ahead any further. Over time the attraction will get less in my opinion. I was put on a pedestal too and it felt good but I realised in time that it just wasn’t enough. To be honest if you don’t get that want to rip her clothes off feeling at this stage then I doubt it will come, particularly as you are the man.

It's very important. I have to agree not to continue especially since you are being put on a pedestal. The longer you continue, the worse it will be for her. At this stage it will be easier to stop.

It was always incredibly important to me when I was younger. I wouldn’t even consider dating someone I wasn’t madly attracted to, and relationships were very much driven by sexual attraction.

However, I then met a guy where it was more of an unexpected slow burn…from liking his company and thinking he was a really nice, funny, interesting bloke, but not really fancying him…to growing to find him attractive and loving him over about a year or so. I married that ‘guy’ and we are together 20+ years later.