Increasingly difficult behaviour - early signs of dementia?

[Mandatory8Count]

Married 30 years, both 60. I'be been thinking for a few years that my wife's argumentativeness and general irascibility might not all be down to me - I could be wrong though. Like now it's really difficult to put into words what had been going on - I don't really know who to talk to. If I were to voice my concern with wife she wouldn't react well and would definitely blame me for her frustrations. It's awkward to talk about it because everything seems so trivial - I just think things are getting worse. I want to avoid arguments - she just doesn't ever want to de-escalate anything - she just wants to carry things on - increasingly I just find her a handful - angry, irrational - and she's like a dog with a bone over so many things. I'm just finding it difficult to cope. Her mum is late 80's and has a diagnosis of dementia - very recent, this year in fact but her decline had been quite rapid/noticeable over the last year or so - I see in my wife some of the things I see in her mum but I've been thinking about my wife for a few years before her mum started showing real signs of dementia. My wife had always had an unreliable memory - I have an unusually good one and there have always been times where she remember events one way and I remember them differently - she regularly watches programs that we have watched together but she swears she hasn't seen them before - I will say what happens next or dinner detail to confirm that I have seen the program before and she'll just say - I've watched it on my own before - she had an answer for everything. I don't know - it's such a gradual thing - she sends to be continually irritated by me and everything that I do it don't do... I just wondered at what point do I try and talk to someone - what do you do? Talk to my GP? I'll answer any questions. I know other people must have gone through this... our is it that our relationship is just breaking down because she's unhappy with me. She's got few friends and has never, it seems, made a lot of friends at work where she had always been a bit of a sticker for doing things properly and keeping the work environment today - she's worked in a laboratory so these are good qualities but she's a hard person to warm to - I love her, whatever that means, but she's hard person to love IMHO. Our kids are grown up - late 20's now and I don't really want to talk to them about it although we are both close to them. Tonight - I just see things getting more difficult.

This is hard to advise on because it seems like you are not sure what it is .
It could be your wife has been under stress and therefore doesn’t pay attention to programs etc like you do or is running around doing other things while also watching tv .
It doesn’t sound great that you can’t have a conversation about this without it escalating
I wouldn’t jump to early dementia first though

Gosh, there's a lot of information here.

You say she's always been quite difficult and her memory poor so any recent deterioration would initially have to be put down to natural effects of ageing, health, stress or the menopause until more serious problems start to develop over a longer period of time.

I think you probaby need a second 'opinion' from someone who knows her well (the children). Don't ask outright but maybe make a fishing comment or two and see if they add anything like 'Yes, mum seems to have been getting angrier over the past year'.

Of course, and I'm afraid to say, her behaviour could be a reaction to you and problems in your relationship. What are you both doing re: working and retirement and the amount of time you spend together?

My DF was always forgetful and I think this did delay our realisation that he had dementia, it was just 'oh he's forgotten again' for a while and then Covid delayed diagnosis and treatment.
He hasn't become difficult yet though.

You say 'the last few years', but they haven't been normal years. Are you both still working? Did lockdowns mean you spent a lot more time together? Certainly, it was impossible for anyone to have normal social life. Some people struggle to cope with change and uncertainty more than others. Could your wife be one of them?

Unfortunately, with the cost of living crisis, we're in for more of it. It's unlikely that a GP would take any action beyond a basic checkup of her physical health at the moment. Would she agree to that? If you think she's worse if you spend too much time together, or improves if you get out and do something nice together, then try to change your lifestyle accordingly.

Whether it's the beginning of dementia or not, it would be a good idea for both of you to set up an enduring power of attorney now, when you can do it without the drama of her thinking you're implying she needs one.

In short, you could be wrong. Everything you've said could be the result of recent circumstances. But if you're right, there are some sensible steps you can take.

This is a difficult one. Of course it could be that but Coul be many other things. Has she finished the menopause.? Is she caring for her mother?
My mum is 70 but for the past ten years she has had to care for relatives and she takes on a lot of the family stress. She has changed a lot as a person. Become very worn down and "sick of everyone's shit."
Your wife could have hit this point in life

@Foody8410

This is a difficult one. Of course it could be that but Coul be many other things. Has she finished the menopause.? Is she caring for her mother? My mum is 70 but for the past ten years she has had to care for relatives and she takes on a lot of the family stress. She has changed a lot as a person. Become very worn down and "sick of everyone's shit." Your wife could have hit this point in life

No one finished the menopause, your body doesn't restart producing hormone after a specific amount of time, the effects don't vanish, its an old fashioned view that's been challenged in recent years thankfully. Women can suffer menopausal symptoms right up until their death be that in their 70's, 90's or longer. HRT is now being prescribed for life so hopefully womens quality of live will improve. You are correct in thinking that menopause could be effecting this lady and could have being doing so for many years, hopefully if she hasn't seen an informed sympathetic doctor she will do so soon. I'm so glad I found a doctor who is knowledgeable about HRT and willing to prescribe for life.