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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I break up with someone I still love?

28 replies

Stickytapeunicorn · 12/03/2022 08:46

I love DP, he is the love of my life but the timing is wrong for many reasons. My children are hard and my youngest has SEND and is never likely to accept a partner. We’ve been together for two years and I’ve kept my dc and dp separate during that time. I can see no way of moving forwards. He would like to move in together and I have been clear that I can’t do that but I know really he wants more.
There are other things too but basically I am aware the relationship isn’t right even though I love him very much.
This is so fucking hard.

OP posts:
Walkingalot · 12/03/2022 09:55

So, there are 3 issues - you don't want to move in, you don't want to introduce him to your kids and 'other' things, which I'm assuming aren't good?
Would you even be happy to continue the relationship as it is if he was more accepting of your situation and didn't pressure you? Or has he merely stated that this is what he wants? Is it 'no way, never' and you haven't told him and maybe he's expecting you to change your mind one day?
Sorry, more questions than help but you can end this for whatever reason if you're not happy.

Elsiebear90 · 12/03/2022 09:58

What are the other reasons? Has your youngest ever been introduced to him? I don’t think you should a loving happy relationship just because your child wants you to be alone.

Original poster
Stickytapeunicorn · 12/03/2022 10:17

The other reasons are numerous really. But I have to put the children first in any of my decisions.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 12/03/2022 10:23

Can’t you draw up a pros and cons list?

Original poster
Stickytapeunicorn · 12/03/2022 10:25

I can…but it’s not equal. Because whatever the pros are the difficulty of adding my kids in the mix negates them.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 12/03/2022 10:29

I think without the 'other things' it's hard to help. He could be a convicted paedophile, drug addict or it could be that you share a bedroom with one of your children. Some obstacles are more easy to overcome than others.

If you really see no future and he wants one then the most loving thing you can do it is end it. Otherwise your don't love him, you just love what he gives you.

GaryTheCat · 12/03/2022 11:38

Why would your child with SEND ‘never accept a partner’ could this absolutely not ever be worked around? Seems a surprising thing. Am just curious..

Original poster
Stickytapeunicorn · 12/03/2022 11:56

They’d be very jealous. It’s unlikely they’d cope and we’d probably split up anyway because it would put such a strain on us.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 12/03/2022 12:06

@Stickytapeunicorn

They’d be very jealous. It’s unlikely they’d cope and we’d probably split up anyway because it would put such a strain on us.
Or, it might work out absolutely fine. You don’t know for sure that it wouldn’t work, just as you don’t know for sure that it would.

Are you using your DC problems as a “kind” way of justifying breaking up with your DP, when really you want to split for other reasons?

GaryTheCat · 12/03/2022 12:27

Why would it not be possible to assist said child with the adjustment? That’s what parents do (if they are confident that what they are doing is right and not damaging to the child). Even parents of children sign SEND.

Maybe you feel it’s not fair to allow your partner into your home life. In which case there’s no shame, just - own it.

Original poster
Stickytapeunicorn · 12/03/2022 12:43

They’d be very jealous and it’s unlikely my dp would be calm about it.
I can just see endless arguments and problems.

OP posts:
itsnotdeep · 12/03/2022 13:13

Well it depends what the numerous other things are I think.

But you should probably let your DP decide if he's happy not to live with you/be part of your children's lives, rather than make that decision for him.

TragicMuse · 12/03/2022 13:30

@Stickytapeunicorn

They’d be very jealous and it’s unlikely my dp would be calm about it. I can just see endless arguments and problems.

You say Wouldn't. That's a clear decision that he can choose to make or not. If he wouldn't be prepared to be calm about your child's natural possessiveness of their parent, I'm not sure he would be the partner you think he is, tbh.

Does he seriously think he can just swing in, be all 'hey guys, I'm here, it's all great' and not expect some pushback? Even a NT child is going to balk at that. I would, as an adult.

I'm really not at all sure you should stay with him if he can't understand that your children will need care and time to accept another adult in their lives...

oviraptor21 · 12/03/2022 13:35

Your last post makes me tend to agree with you.
Your DP has to be able to compromise and to accept that your child may/will react negatively to him. If he can't be calm in the face of what may be a strong degree of hostility than he is not the partner for you.
Have he and your DC ever met? If not, surely you would try a neutral territory, short meeting first and gradually build up, assessing all the time.

SteakExpectations · 12/03/2022 13:36

Are you planning to just stay single forever, in case it upsets your kids? I’m all for putting children’s needs as priority but this isn’t you having to choose between kids or partner because he’s abusive or a sex offender, it’s just because your kids would find it a difficult adjustment - which, as PPs have said, all children find it difficult to adjust to a parent having a new partner.

Introduce your partner to your children. Have days out together, invite him for meals, keep it short and positive to start with and gradually increase it to him staying over. See how it goes. If your partner is calm, that’s great with you having a child with SEN!

Pinkbonbon · 12/03/2022 13:36

If it were not for the other things then I would say to sit him down and be frank- 'i never want to live together. That's not going to change. Is that something you can accept or not? If it is a deal breaker then I understand. Please give it some serious thought amd let me know as after that, i am not willing to discuss this issue with you again and I have no interest in being a broken record'.

But if the other issues olinvolve bad behaviours from him or other serious incompatibility, I would just end it.

SteakExpectations · 12/03/2022 13:37

Sorry, I’ve just re-read your message that it’s UNlikely he’d be calm 🤦🏼‍♀️ that’s not great

Taleas0ldastime · 12/03/2022 13:37

In a similar situation. We both have dcs. My 2 have Sn, her dc is an only child and doesn't mix well with mine...she openly bullies one of them who is non verbal and can't defend herself. Love my dp more than anything cant see the relationship really progressing for at least 10 years till kids are grown. I know I'm delaying the inevitable really.

StellaAndCrow · 12/03/2022 13:40

"it’s unlikely my dp would be calm about it. "
Sounds like that's the bit that would make it not work - you are aware that you can't be trying to keep the peace so that your DP doesn't get angry/stressed.
If that's the case I can completely understand how you know it wouldn't work.

newbiename · 12/03/2022 13:50

@Stickytapeunicorn

They’d be very jealous and it’s unlikely my dp would be calm about it. I can just see endless arguments and problems.
Then he's not as great as you think.
newbiename · 12/03/2022 13:57

Does your partner have kids or understand how different it use living with someone else's family?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/03/2022 14:28

@Stickytapeunicorn

They’d be very jealous and it’s unlikely my dp would be calm about it. I can just see endless arguments and problems.
He'd get angry? Cause arguments? Cause problems?

Fuck that.

A partner should improve your life just by the fact that they are around during the shitty and mundane/boring times, not just the artificial moments where real life has been put aside. You already know that he isn't just going to fail to improve the daily grind and crap things, he's going to create more shit for you if you allow him to get what he is demanding - which is for his wishes for your home, your cooking, your washing, your attention, sex to come above those of your children.

He may make you feel great when you're alone and none of the daily stuff can get in the way - but that's not real - and you know that. He's sold you a dream that you know won't work.

Just tell him 'This won't work anymore' and put an end to it. It means you aren't put under pressure, manipulated, made to feel guilty and pulled in different directions, having to fight for your children and your absolute right to make decisions in both your and your children's best interests.

He's weighing you down with hurt, anxiety and doubt even in the good moments. He's not worth that and you are worth so much more.

Free yourself from this insistent obligation to put his wants above what you know is right for you and for your children.

GaryTheCat · 12/03/2022 14:33

@Taleas0ldastime

In a similar situation. We both have dcs. My 2 have Sn, her dc is an only child and doesn't mix well with mine...she openly bullies one of them who is non verbal and can't defend herself. Love my dp more than anything cant see the relationship really progressing for at least 10 years till kids are grown. I know I'm delaying the inevitable really.
Same here.

In a relationship with BF of 6yrs, his relationship with his dd is a tangle of pretending/manipulation/enabling between him/her/her mum.

That’s a lifetime of dynamics to untangle and very unlikely to change. I’m happy to live apart for ever cos I don’t need that in my home life.

He wants to live with me. I know we need to end it but we are delaying the inevitable while he pretends that living together is still his ‘goal’.

Thewindwhispers · 12/03/2022 14:51

Ah OP that sounds so hard. But your children won’t be children forever. Can you keep going as you are now - can he wait for you and agree to live separately until they’re much older?

I totally understand putting your children first, but do also be careful not to martyr yourself. First and foremost your children need a happy mother.

Haffiana · 12/03/2022 15:52

@Stickytapeunicorn

They’d be very jealous and it’s unlikely my dp would be calm about it. I can just see endless arguments and problems.
Then I absolutely, wholeheartedly and genuinely applaud you for making the right decision for your DC.

There are few more depressing reads on this board than the ones where mothers have condemned their DC to a life of misery in their own homes by moving in a man who is emotionally a toddler himself, abusive, a cocklodger, or just plain damaged, and thereby shown their DC that they don't really matter and come well below Mummy's Need for A Man, Any Man.

I hope you are making the right decision for yourself by being with your DP at all.