Advice on 5 year relationship

[flowersinmay]

Need some advice

Have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we live together, not married and don't have kids yet- although we are planning to in the near future (both in our mid 30s).

The relationship is normally very loving and harmonious, but the problem is, every 7-8 weeks or so, we have a massive argument which ends up in him not speaking to me for three days straight. It's usually over something small. This time, for example, we were cooking together and I ended up sticking my fork into the pan to taste the food, he shouted at me super loud and out of nowhere to stop scratching the pan with my fork otherwise I would scrape the surface off and damage it. I was so taken aback at his over the top reaction that I shouted back "I'm not scratching it!" and stuck my fork in again to make a point (I know this was childish but I was suddenly in shock and raging that he was speaking to me so aggressively). He then reacted by throwing the pan of hot food all over the kitchen counter in my direction, some of which landed on me, the walls and the floor.

We ended up in a massive shouting match (god knows what the neighbours think!). Now he hasn't spoken to me for three days, despite my numerous attempts to make up with him. He tells me aggressively to "f* off", that he "hates me" and "I'm done with you" and that he wants a new life and girlfriend who isn't "careless" and who doesn't ruin things (eg like scratch the pan).

It's so upsetting as I hate arguing and confrontation - I wasn't raised like this in my family, I'm always the one who has to make up with him, I like to just forget things after an hour or so and make up, but he just remains grumpy for days, continuing to shout abuse and mean things at me, refusing any body contact. He tries to punish me by not making up with me and not saying sorry or letting me hug him or touch him. Last night in bed he shoved me as he said I was sleeping too close to him and I should stay away.

What would you do? It's really starting to get me down.

Leave obviously. He’s abusive.
Don’t have kids with him.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

I would firm up plans to leave this individual and asap also because the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Let him find another supposedly less "careless" girlfriend. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares. Your relationship is to all intents and purposes over now really because of the abuse he metes out to you.

He is also showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is also a continuous one (in your case its every 8 weeks or so). When someone shows you who they really are it pays to believe them; this is really who he is. How supportive are your own family/friends here?. Would you be willing to speak to Womens Aid; they could also advise.

Leave, this is not a healthy relationship, this is not the way to communicate in a relationship. Does he do this at work ever or is this just saved for you? Throwing hot food over a kitchen and not immediately realising you have gone way too far is terrifying.

Ignore the 5 year bit, google sunken cost fallacy and have a watch of this video explaining toxic behaviour

"I like to just forget things after an hour or so and make up, but he just remains grumpy for days, continuing to shout abuse and mean things at me, refusing any body contact. He tries to punish me by not making up with me and not saying sorry or letting me hug him or touch him. Last night in bed he shoved me as he said I was sleeping too close to him and I should stay away."

You're Done OP.

You are young enough to escape this and start again with someone who will love and cherish you.

Get out now before children are involved. You are lucky to have seen this before the additional responsibilities arrive.

Please look after yourself and get out. Best of Wishes

What he did, throwing scalding food towards you, was potentially dangerous. He also shoved you in bed. If he can't deal with his emotions in a non physical way then please don't even think of having children with him. The silent treatment is also a recognised form of abuse. He's saying he hates you, and he's done with you. Believe him and make plans to separate.

Thank you everyone for your messages and your helpful advice.

These arguments also tend to occur when he is going through stressful projects at work. So I think this also makes him angry and he takes it out on me by shouting. I've told him I don't like or want this type of behavior in our relationship but he says a bit of shouting is ok and it's the only way to make me learn / stop my carelessness (actually writing this down in words makes me realize how ridiculous his statement is).

It just makes me so sad that I have ended up in this type of relationship and it almost feels too late to start again at 35 and my chances of having children are slipping away.

"These arguments also tend to occur when he is going through stressful projects at work. So I think this also makes him angry and he takes it out on me by shouting. I've told him I don't like or want this type of behavior in our relationship but he says a bit of shouting is ok and it's the only way to make me learn / stop my carelessness (actually writing this down in words makes me realize how ridiculous his statement is)".

A bit of shouting too is NOT ok and I would also think he is all sweetness and light at work.

There is NO justification or excuse (stressful projects indeed!) for the abuse he metes out to you either. You need to leave because there is only one way this relationship will now go for you; further downhill because he will continue to abuse you. His actions are about power and control and he wants absolute over you here. I would also think he does not throw things or shout at his work colleagues like he does you.

"It just makes me so sad that I have ended up in this type of relationship and it almost feels too late to start again at 35 and my chances of having children are slipping away".

It is never too late to start again, find your resolve here to make a life for yourself with a non abusive man. You are 35, not 95 after all and whilst fertility does start to decline it has not dropped off a cliff face. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs as you are doing now because they will keep you stuck.

Bringing children into this particular relationship will be both irresponsible and selfish because he is abusing you now. In turn they will be abused too because they will see you being emotionally and verbally abused. Such men like this do not change, he really does think he is entitled to treat you like this and he is not sorry nor remorseful. Men like this too hate women, ALL of them.

Apart from always remembering that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none you are also not a rehab centre for some badly raised man.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as this could help you re going forward. Men like this can and do further trash perhaps already weakened boundaries so the FP is also helpful here.

Stop making excuses for him or allow him to justify his abusive behaviour!!!

This man is dangerous!!!

You must leave. Anything else would be utter madness.

I'd add that counselling might be useful to you as the way you are minimising his abuse is deeply concerning.

but he says a bit of shouting is ok and it's the only way to make me learn / stop my carelessness

I got chills. It's a line straight out of Sleeping with the Enemy

but he says a bit of shouting is ok and it's the only way to make me learn / stop my carelessness
So he's training you to behave yourself. Do you really want your future children to have a father who shouts and shoves if he thinks that's the only way they will "learn"?

I never said LTB but leave him now! Imagine having DC with him. He will shout at them and you, making you all think they deserve to be shouted to learn things. Chilling.

Look you put up with whatever nonsense behaviour you want but having kids and exposing them to this kind of behavior would be insanely selfish.

Love, he THREW A PAN OF HOT FOOD TOWARDS YOU. That is shocking and totally unacceptable. You cannot bring children up in that kind of toxic environment. You deserve better and any children deserve to feel safe and secure, not be surrounded by aggression.

I would say leave him as soon as possible as he is abusive. Do you really want a lifetime of this because it won’t improve. Imagine a similar scene when you have a toddler coming in and witnessing that. I was a child stuck in the middle of parents who did this. Screaming rows followed by days and weeks of silence.

Do not make this mistake.

This is abuse and he clearly has a volatile temper which he directs towards you. It's also extremely emotionally immature to not speak to someone for three days. This is a significant pattern as you say it happens every 7/8 weeks. Leave him and let him find a girlfriend who is as anal about not ruining things as he is.

Abusive. Leave. Now.

You want children. What will they think when he is shouting, throwing things and criticizing you? Honestly, end it

You taste food you are cooking
He throws it around the kitchen
You pussy foot around trying to apologize
He tells you to fuck off

What an imbalance

Move out OP

He tells you he wants a new girlfriend but won't finish your relationship because he knows you will put up with this shit.

So he has green light to be like this with you.

Unless you pack your stuff and say "go get a new one then I'm done" and walk out the door

Imagine how he will behave towards children if you using a fork in a pan drives him to be physically abusive. Quite terrifying the idea of this man having children. He will escalate beyond imagining once you are pregnant and trapped.

This is abuse, and abuse is always about power and control interspersed with loving days to keep you hooked.
The silent treatment is to teach you a lesson, to train you .
The fact you’re asking for advice on his behaviour is in itself a huge red flag. Please don’t wait for him to change or think you can love him better. He won’t and you can’t.
The abuse will gradually get worse. A man who truly loves a woman does not behave this way, he does not respect and love you… he loves controlling you.
Please please do not stay with this man, he needs to make you feel ‘less’ to make himself feel ‘more’. It will escalate.

This is scary to read...he's a violent bully who's got you running around justifying his dangerous behaviour.
Please protect yourself and leave.. there is only one way this can end up if you stay. If you have children with him you will be completely at his mercy. And so will they.

This is just awful and if you stay with him his anger will escalate while you are pregnant and really would you want a man with such a temper and childish sulking narcissistic behaviour to be the dad of your kids who will have no patience. You should not be running after him and trying to hug and talk to him as he is the one who should be apologizing for his rage outburst. He could have burnt you badly and I would have left there and then so he realized how bad his behaviour is. He has you conditioned to think this is ok and also the silent treatment is emotional abuse..Time to rethink this whole relationship. Do not stay just because you think you may not meet someone else and you want children. Lots of possibilities out there and you deserve better. Look up boundaries and narcissistic abuse/silent treatment. Save yourself the heartache that you can avoid if you stay with him.

It's never too late to leave! This sounds horrible, he's trying to keep you off balance so that every time he over reacts to something, like with the food, then you're running back to him to try and make up so you feel like it's your fault (even if you're not actually done anything wrong).

Honestly, my ex was like this and leaving was the absolute best thing I did. We had bought a house together and totally overpaid for it, then sold it at a massive loss after the sale dragged on for 18 months. It was a pure headache, but when I look back, it was worth every bit of aggro to be free of him, I would have had a terrible life with him.

If this happens when your partner gets stressed out at work, he needs to learn better coping strategies or get a new job - none of this is your responsibility to manage.

Try and read See What You Made Me Do - or anything else about coercive control. It's a powerful insidious tactic.

You're going to continue making excuses for this man so stay with him, if yo want, but don't inflict him upon your children.

I'm surprised you're even considering children with him tbh. Have you not even thought about the impact he would have upon then?