I'm not asexual but.... Is this the end?

[QueenCamilla]

Trying to see if anyone can relate (or not and I'm just weird! )

I'm 35 and single, have one DS (8) and don't want anymore kids.
I had a turbulent marriage and some on-off relationships after, that I quit for different reasons.

My problem is that I've gone off men (I think! ) but not off sex.

Men to me just seem too much of a crappy deal and as a result I can't be bothered with anything that a "regular" relationship would entail, even if it's a FWB type of situation.

The very idea of taking time out of my...errmm...time! to spend with someone seems like too much of an ask!

The initial shag-athon of a new relationship seems like too much of an effort now. I don't want the sleepless nights, the "one more quickly" before going to work, the burn and the chafe and the risk of a UTI (I always bloody get those when things get too enthusiastic ). I've had partners whose body-fluids just wouldn't agree with my body and I would end up with repeated bouts of BV.

It's bliss not to wax and shave every Friday bath-time just cause I'm seeing someone for the weekend.

And then there's the fact that I don't orgasm for the first few times with a new partner. So it might take two months of dating until it becomes fully pleasureable for me. All the effort (and chafe!) for no return.

I suspect I enjoy wanting sex even more than actually having it. Steady relationships with sex numerous times a week don't give me space for wanting! I go into sex-duty mode and stop feeling lust. I like to feel rampant! But very regular sex takes the edge off... I even feel much, much more sexy when I'm single.

I masturbate when the desire strikes and it does just seem such an easy, straight-forward option compared to involving a man in the process!

I still enjoy male company and the idea of being forever single is kinda scary (or sad?). Though I think my ideal relationship would be a man I can call on when I fancy company in bed or just a chat over a glass of wine or a weekend trip away. Unfortunately that man-fancy is unpredictable and very occasional and in my experience men have been too needy of my time ( and body ) and so I cut them off...

I never ever imagined feeling so non-plussed about men in my life... Is there any hope of going back to "normal" and associating men with pleasure again? Anyone else still sexually alive but just can't be bothered with regular male presence?

I suspect you want a good friend that you can have casual sex with. If they know absolutely that’s all you want, I think it’s fair to them. Maybe you will fall in love, maybe not. But the sexual urge is obviously still there for you.

But if I was your mother, or sister, or your best friend I would tell you to take a break from men and invest in a good vibrator! Well maybe not if I were your mother!

But you are right that sometimes the idea of sex is better than actually having it. I’ve been with DH for getting on 20 years and no one has been a good as him. I sometimes wonder why I even bothered with the others before as it was never very satisfactory.

Probably once your child has left home, some nice kind widower/divorcee. Only 15 yrs to go.
Post menopause with no periods or pregnancy worries.

@TheDuchessOfBeddington and Queen Camilla. The first world problems here 😂

[quote QueenCamilla]@TheDuchessOfBeddington and Queen Camilla. The first world problems here 😂[/quote]
It’s not really a first world problem OP. Sex is important to a lot of people. Don’t feel bad for wondering how the hell you get any if you can’t be bothered with everything else! I totally get you!

@fallfallfall I'd actually hope to have gone off sex completely in 15 years - at least then I'd know I'm looking for a friend/companionship and nothing else!

Now it's confusing. I still feel the desire (in a very physical way) but it seems a separate thing from men. I don't feel excited by men. I feel excited just because I haven't had the big O for a while.

I'd want either one of these :
a) not to ever feel any desire again or
b) be able to have a crush and fanny flutters in response to a man again

Maybe I can't have "b" cause I'm not a teenager anymore?
Maybe I just need to fall in love? I'm worried I've lost that ability...

Love is so important, at least for me anyway. Never had the big O with a partner until I met my husband. And I stopped counting at 50 regarding sexual partners before him.

I think personally with men it helps to stop thinking about the actual sex when you’re dating, and just concern yourself with what type of person they are. Then the rest follows if you see what I mean.

On the other hand a FWB situation could be nice. Have you ever tried it? I get not wanting the pressure of dating properly if you’re a mum.

@TheDuchessOfBeddington I was seeing the funny side of The Duchess and The Queen having this conversation

You mention a long marriage - Can I ask? If you ever feel like sex is it more like :
I want to shag him or
I want to have a shag?

In my head at least there's a chasm between the two... But maybe that's cause of my crappy relationships?

OP, l always feel 2 FWBs can work better than one and help emotions and reality stay in control. I’ll probably get shot down for my comments by someone, but clearly you have sexual needs together with boundaries which you do not want crossed. But any FWB must be first and foremost a friend.

Considering your comments further though, taking into account your views on sex and men, are you positive you are looking at the right gender for you? Many of us have had surprised in later life.

Why did you use the word (not) asexual in the title?

All you talked about was sex, have people really misunderstood asexuality this badly?

Anyway, you just have realised that men ain’t shit, but you still get horny.
No biggie.
Also, you may wanna read about AROMANTICISM.

I think this is a more common scenario than is often acknowledged. Men are, by and large, a huge disappointment to women. Partly that's to do with all the well known stuff about housework, emotional availability etc, but often it's the case just sexually as well. It's quite hard to please a woman in bed and a large amount of it we only learn by trial and error. Not much of it is transferrable (because women are all so different from each other), but then the effectiveness of trial and error within a single long term relationship depends on a lot of things like communication, challenging assumptions etc.

Then even if you get the mechanics right, questions like the optimum frequency, how to maintain the wanting of it rather than it just becoming mechanical etc. still remain.

It sounds from your post like if a man is to be any good for you, it will be via an FWB arrangement rather than a relationship. Whether you can find or create the right kind of arrangement to work, I don't know. As for the long term implications of being single - signing up to a commitment to lifelong fidelity with one person is a major undertaking, that places a lot of demands and limits on other areas of life, just by virtue of the fact that the other person's needs have to be part of the consideration as well as your own. You either make the decision that it's worth it to you for what you need/want or that it isn't. I think the fact that that's such a major decision with important consequences is why there's so much traditional ceremony around marriage. It sounds like for you, it probably isn't worth it, and it would be naive (and potentially damaging) to think you can have one side of that bargain without the other, have someone around to provide exactly what you want when you want it, without requiring anything of you you're reluctant to give.

[quote QueenCamilla]@TheDuchessOfBeddington I was seeing the funny side of The Duchess and The Queen having this conversation

You mention a long marriage - Can I ask? If you ever feel like sex is it more like :
I want to shag him or
I want to have a shag?

In my head at least there's a chasm between the two... But maybe that's cause of my crappy relationships?[/quote]
It’s definitely more ‘I want a shag’!

The stuff you mention like initial shag-athon of a new relationship seems like too much of an effort now.

after 18 years that’s definitely the case for me!

I could do it ‘myself’ I guess, but it’s 20 times better when I do it with him. But we aren’t desperate for each other 3 times a day like we were in the first couple of years. Hope that made sense.

are you positive you are looking at the right gender for you?

I’m also wondering the same thing. Maybe it’s men as opposed to relationships?

fifteentoes

Great insightful post!