How do I leave my husband when I have nowhere else to go and am disabled?

[TwinMum1989]

A disclaimer here: my reason for wanting to leave is not due to domestic violence or my husband emotionally or physically abusing me. I will go on to explain more below.

I’m 30 and have been with my husband for over 9 years. We have twin boys together who are only 2 years old. They’re just babies.

I don’t work and haven’t worked in 6 years due to being diagnosed with MS. I am now wheelchair bound and my husband is my main carer.

We don’t own a house and have no savings. He is working part time and I’ve been claiming PIP and child benefit/tax credits and such to make up our income to pay the rent. The bulk of our income comes from his wages and I simply could not afford to live in this house alone.

The reason I am considering leaving my husband is because he has recently been involved in illegal activities with his father and mother. They’re not the best people and for years I have begged my husband to stay away from them but he hasn’t and now he is in hot water. I don’t want to divulge exactly what has happened right now but the penalty for what he has done with them (as an accessory) carries around 3-6 months in prison and a hefty fine. It is a none violent crime.

I have had years of abuse from his parents and other relatives and I’m at the end, especially now he is going to be tarnished with a criminal record and very likely will lose his job. I refuse to keep being put second best by him (his parents and siblings first best) as it has now lead to him being in serious trouble. I cannot even look at him the same and it has hugely effected our marriage. I deserve better and so do my children.

My issue is, I can’t just leave. I have absolutely nowhere, and I mean NOWHERE to go. I do have my own parents but they’re not much help in the way of child care and they also don’t have the room for us. I have no friends that can take me and no other family. I cannot afford to stay living under my husbands roof and I also don’t want to.

A few months ago I actually applied for council housing (as a joint application with my husband) and was told I was the lowest priority because they see us as a family living in a private house with a ‘desire to move’ not a ‘need’
I called up and spoke to them directly and they told me in all honesty I would likely never get a council property as the demand is high right now and we are the lowest band due to our ‘desire to move’
Would this change if I was applying on my own, as a disabled, jobless woman with two infants? I will still be legally married to my husband, so will this set me back from getting a house or flat?
I am evidently not homeless and the council (rightfully) would see it as such, but I don’t want to live with him anymore or be anywhere near him.
There are a lot of things he has done with his relatives that I haven’t detailed in this post but I don’t deserve any of it, and enough is enough. Maybe once he gets out of prison he can go and live with mummy and daddy.

I have also looked into private renting. Not an option. At all. I can’t afford private rental fees on my own and I have also outright been told I’d have next to no chance as most landlords won’t rent to a single, disabled, jobless mother. In the past week, since all of this came to head, I’ve attempted to apply for several private rental properties and have been rejected from all 4.

How would visitation arrangements be arranged with my sons? I don’t intend to keep them away from their father as I think that is cruel, but I certainly don’t want their father taking them around their grandparents who have caused this mess for us. What do I do about setting up visitation without his mum and dad being involved?

Where do I go from here? I feel as though I’m doomed to spend the rest of my life living with my husband because I have no other way of keeping a roof over my children’s heads. I’m so scared. I don’t want to live like this anymore.

If anyone has any advice I’d be very grateful.

Could you speak to woman's aid?

They may be able to signpost you.

Hi thanks for your response.

I have looked into women’s aid (haven’t contacted them yet though) and my general understanding is that they help domestic abuse victims - to which I am not.
I have also found out just now from my internet research that the council will consider me ‘intentionally’ making myself homeless if I leave this house with the kids so they also won’t help. Am I genuinely stuck with this man forever? My heart has repeatedly been broken over the years and I’m at the end with it

Womens aid help women in your situation.

Also speak to social work and they can organise a move and find you new accommodation. It might not be straight away as they will have to find accessible accommodation but they will help.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Could you ask husband to leave then if LL evicted you for not being able to pay rent council would have to re-house you or if husband left you could claim UC and get housing benefit.

If you apply for housing as a separated woman with children, tue outcome of the assessment would be completely different. You can’t afford your rental on your own and you can’t secure another.

You might have to go the homeless route, but again, as a wheelchair user, they would have to give that special consideration and not shove you in a general needs hostel for example.

Go and speak to the homelessness officer at your local council on the basis that the upcoming split will put you at imminent risk of homelessness.

Also look into a disability assessment and direct payments. You’ll need some support when you lose your husband’s caring input.

@caringcarer

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Could you ask husband to leave then if LL evicted you for not being able to pay rent council would have to re-house you or if husband left you could claim UC and get housing benefit.

This may indeed the best solution - but do check with Shelter or CAB. As far as I know you'd have to stay in your rental until you are physically evicted following a high court order to qualify for council accommodation.

If you yourself need to be cared for, it doesn't sound like you would be able to safely care on your own for two two year olds.

You should contact social services and see what your options are.

Thank you.

I’m not going to lie - I’m a little nervous involving social services because of me being disabled and also due to the fact I have a history of depression and anxiety. I don’t want my babies being taken away from me if they assume I can’t take care of them alone. It strikes fear into my soul.

I use my wheelchair when out in public but in the house I am able to walk mostly normally (but have severe balance issues some days) I also have days where I am in excruciating pain and every single day I have to take strong pain killers every 4-6 hours (tramadol, panadol and neurofen) to manage it but I can care for my children. It has never stopped me. I actually care for my children more competently than my husband ever could - even with my disabilities.

Your mobility sounds similar to mine. My children are older, though. The best protection against child welfare concerns is to demonstrate you have back up support, so consider all options.

So much of what you believe and have been told isn't true.

You need good quality professional expert advice.

I think maybe start with the ms society?

Shelter are pretty good on housing but aren't experts on ms of course

It may be a case of getting bits of advice from different places

Re social services - they aren't child snatchers! I have mental illness and have at times when dd was younger had ss involvement even inc a time when dd was in foster care when I was very ill. They help, they know where the services and grants and all that stuff are and how to apply for them etc they're linked to everything council related and can even help you get social housing (these things are all about connections!)

So consider contacting them

Believe me I know what you mean about that fear the 1st sw I met I kept her on the doorstep with my chain on at first!

I felt like I was being a really crap mum anyway as I wasn't cooking and was BARELY managing to do laundry and bathe dd alternate nights and get her to school and back! She actually made the comment that several of the families under her care basically ate McDonald's all the time! I was taking dd to Asda for dinner! Either getting ready made sandwiches fruit yogurt etc or eating in the cafe (well dd was eating I was barely managing drinks at this point) I was CERTAIN I was going to be labelled a terrible mother and dd would be handed to my ex!

She massively reassured me, said she wasn't there to put me on trial or judge me or make things harder for me but to support us to stay together as a family and she did!

The fostering situation I actually asked for dd to go - she went to someone I knew it was all arranged properly though - because dd was older at this point and more aware and I really didn't want her seeing how bad I was and I REALLY didn't want us to get into a situation where she was MY carer which at that time I felt was too likely to happen if I didn't insist that she stay elsewhere for a while and that I needed proper help and support to get better. Broke my heart but I still think it was the right decision at that time. Dd is now an adult and agrees. She missed me like crazy at the time and acted out a bit but now she's older and has a better understanding she agrees if she'd stayed it would have been too distressing for her to see me in that state.

Re your parents is there anywhere very near then you could live?

With my own situation and reading ones like this I often wonder if there should be a tenants matching service? Especially with housing prices so high and I think particularly for single mums?

At one point my best friend and I considered moving in together... then she met her now husband! We still talk about that sometimes would have made things so much easier for both of us financially and we have very similar parenting styles and outlook on life. Even the kids say how much they'd have loved it!

I really hope you find a solution - ask as many organisations as might be able to offer ideas and help

If he's going to prison the first part is actually pretty simple. He goes to prison, you stay put and claim what benefits you can. At that point you can:

• Find you can manage financially to keep your home and refuse to let him move back

-Find you cant afford this house but find somewhere suitable you can afford

• Find you cant manage the house financially, which will eventually result in eviction. At this point you will be homeless and the council will have to help.

Be aware though that he may use his status as your carer to help swerve prison.

Once you are separated you will need to come to an agreement about custody of the children. It is highly unlikely that you will be able to stop him taking the children to see his family, unless you can show that they are a danger to them. When the children are with him he will decide who they see, what they do, where they go (within the uk), what they eat etc.

Although you say you are not a victim of emotional abuse, you are in a way. Requiring you to be a passive party to illegal activities is abusive. And given your disability constraints and dependency on him as a carer, that also an abuse of his position and you as a vulnerable mother.

I would actually talk first to Women's Aid.

@Ponchek

Although you say you are not a victim of emotional abuse, you are in a way. Requiring you to be a passive party to illegal activities is abusive. And given your disability constraints and dependency on him as a carer, that also an abuse of his position and you as a vulnerable mother.

I would actually talk first to Women's Aid.

www.nationalmssociety.org/Programs-and-Services/Resources/Affordable-Accessible-Housing-A-Guide-for-People-w

Sorry Ponchek. Didn’t mean to attach your post to my link.

Have a chat with your HV. They will be able to help you, and your DH wouldn’t be suspicious of you speaking to a HV.
From next month you can divorce without needing a reason. I believe you can apply yourself on line, but it will cost.

And SS wouldn’t look at removing your children, they would look at supporting you.

If he ends up in jail your problem might be solved. It might be useful to look at your options with that in mind (and not having him back afterwards).

CAB to start with. Could you also get your MS drugs reviewed as their are drugs for neurological pain.

@Porcupineintherough

If he's going to prison the first part is actually pretty simple. He goes to prison, you stay put and claim what benefits you can. At that point you can:

• Find you can manage financially to keep your home and refuse to let him move back

-Find you cant afford this house but find somewhere suitable you can afford

• Find you cant manage the house financially, which will eventually result in eviction. At this point you will be homeless and the council will have to help.

Be aware though that he may use his status as your carer to help swerve prison.

Once you are separated you will need to come to an agreement about custody of the children. It is highly unlikely that you will be able to stop him taking the children to see his family, unless you can show that they are a danger to them. When the children are with him he will decide who they see, what they do, where they go (within the uk), what they eat etc.

This is good advice and I think it is worth getting an hour with a solicitor to discuss options like an occupation order which would stipulate he can't return to the home. I think it's normally used in DV situations but I think it could apply here. Then you could also ask them whether behaviour from the in laws warrants a prohibited steps order to stop the children from spending time with them.

There’s always the risk of him not getting a custodial sentence though, so good to plan both ways.