I want to leave my husband

FireTrucker · 12/03/2022 09:17

I'm in the same situation with a 17 month old. My husband has an awful personality but his family are even worse, abusive in many ways. And if I leave him he'll just go and live with them meaning our daughter will be raised by his family half the time and I know it will be damaging.

I have decided either I am unhappy or our daughter is and it's going to be me. I plan to create a very busy life for myself and just deal with it as best I can.

Life isn't black and white. It's easy for people to say leave but you know your situation. What is it about your husband and his family that you are having difficulty with? Just know you're not alone and many of us are in the same situation

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2022 09:32

Darkchocolatemint

re your comment:-

"... but I feel like I would rather live unhappily because I CANNOT risk my 15mth old being with ANY of his family unattended on the times he would have access.

I would rather live like this for years"

Do not hoist yourself by your own petard by thinking the above scenario which may not at all happen. You are better off being apart and happier than together and miserable as you are now and you being miserable in a crap marriage will affect your child also. It sounds like the rotten apple that is this man did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family. Divorce is not failure here, living (actually more like merely existing) in the above scenario is. At 15 months of age your child would remain with you anyway; get legal advice on this access matter.

Staying for the sake of the child too; whose sake are you staying for really because it's not really theirs. It could be argued its more like your own because you think its somehow "easier". As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modelled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

There are so many threads on here from adults who knew as children that their parents stayed together for them and they wish they had actually split up. Do not martyr yourself like this; there are no prizes for doing so.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2022 09:35

I would also think these men are not all that bothered about their children now so why you think they would have them half the time is puzzling. And 50/50 is a starting point, its not a given. I doubt very much whether either man described will actually keep up any formal contact arrangement and would use that and their child merely to bash you over the head with.

TheCurrywurstPrion · 12/03/2022 09:38

It’s complicated because of all the inadvertent lessons you are teaching your child by staying.

This was brought home to me as I watched my child suffer horribly in an abusive relationship that he didn’t have the self-esteem or understanding to escape from.

Looking back, if I’d got out early, I suspect he’d have actually minimized contact with our child, had I actually left. I realise you have to lose some control over what happens when you’re not there, but staying is not a neutral act.

Original poster

DarkChocolateMint · 12/03/2022 09:39

No it wouldnt be 50/50 at all.

He would definately keep contact and I dont grudge that.

It is the family... he would spend his contact day trailing baby around horrible family... or worse let them babysit if he had something on!!

This at the moment is just not an option imo.... i would rather live this way or move away to stop it

OP posts:

TheCurrywurstPrion · 12/03/2022 09:40

Too many hes in that message. Second paragraph, son, third back to exH.

Original poster

DarkChocolateMint · 12/03/2022 09:44

@FireTrucker

I'm in the same situation with a 17 month old. My husband has an awful personality but his family are even worse, abusive in many ways. And if I leave him he'll just go and live with them meaning our daughter will be raised by his family half the time and I know it will be damaging.

I have decided either I am unhappy or our daughter is and it's going to be me. I plan to create a very busy life for myself and just deal with it as best I can.

Life isn't black and white. It's easy for people to say leave but you know your situation. What is it about your husband and his family that you are having difficulty with? Just know you're not alone and many of us are in the same situation

Bless you , I understand & I am so sorry its horrendously difficult.

Husband lies CONSTANTLY. I have tried everything to help and support him but I am out of ideas now and energy.

Family enable his shitty behaviour and cover for him. They also have different morals to me and I just cant even stand them being around my child for a second.

They are well known. Rough.

Sadly when you fall for someone you dont see all this till its WAY too late.

Ive tried speaking to them & him. Shouting, crying, begging etc and i just dont stand a CHANCE.

I CANNOT let her be the next generation of their ways.

I cringe at my surname and my childs.

OP posts:

Original poster

DarkChocolateMint · 12/03/2022 09:47

By the way although it comes across differently- husband isnt a bad person he is very much the best of a bad bunch.

I cant take anymore of his "mistakes" and lies, deceiptfulness & generally not normal behaviour.

He was dragged up.

I knew things werent great but being a Mum has magnified it all to be honest. X

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 12/03/2022 09:51

Tbh I would move away and let him visit. I'd move a 2 hour train ride so he could do it easily but probably wouldn't bother all the time. I bet his family are all talk and wouldn't bother visiting either.

passtheparsnips · 12/03/2022 09:56

agree with PP - can you move away?

PermanentTemporary · 12/03/2022 09:57

I get it. I think a lot of women and some men end up stuck like this.

Having seen some significant damage done to two girls whose dad had significant issues and who spent too much time taking too much responsibility for him post split, I think I wouldn't dismiss your worries at all. And they sound like the kind of family who would be incredibly possessive of time with your kids even if they hadn't shown much prior interest.

I think I would encourage a really time consuming hobby for your children. Swimming or football or dance. Something that means they'll be out of the house with you a lot and meeting motivated, interesting adults with different lives.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2022 09:58

I would also move 2 hours or so distance and make a fresh start.

inheritancetrack · 12/03/2022 10:12

Provided your H isn't abusive to you or the child I would say stick it out for now. You can emotionally detach from him but maintain a calm polite household. The damage comes when a partner is verbally abusive around the child and the atmosphere is bad. If he is reasonably pleasant just let him get on with things. Stop trying to change him to be more normal for the sake of your own happiness. In a few years your child may be more resilient and you can make the move. Knowing your child will be with a bunch of low life's for any time would far outweigh the freedom you get.

frozendaisy · 12/03/2022 10:17

Can you ask him what he imagines the future could be for your child? See what he says.

Does he value a good education? Does he have dreams that child could be a doctor say (cliche I know just using am example?

Then try and illustrate how certain behaviours would stunt those dreams but try not to be personal (even though in your mind you totally are being) but getting personal in discussions never helps.

fortunenookie · 12/03/2022 10:19

If you just up sticks two hours away I suspect he will take you to court
Having been in this situation I can tell you that you can’t and won’t stick it out. Or something will happen.
But I know it’s awful and you have my every sympathy.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/03/2022 10:28

Staying just means your child will grow up thinking that is the way relationships are supposed to be and then go on to recreate it in their own lives. Thus perpetuating the nightmare in the next generation.

Leave while they are still a baby so you have genuine reason for shorter and less frequent contact. Move as far away as you can to make it hard for them. Get them involved in a sport of hobby that makes it difficult too. Do some work on yourself so you learn what happened and how to spot the bad ones in the future and have appropriate boundaries to protect yourself. In a few years you could meet a new lovely partner and model a decent relationship for your child, that is powerful.

Document and report everything so if you have to go to court to protect yourselves you have plenty of evidence. Staying gives them more opportunity to damage your child, not less. And don't forget once they are about 12 they can choose who to see or not.