ASD husband and managing expectations

[Babyburrito0]

Hi all, I'm really hoping people can help me manage my expectations of my husband.
We've been together 5 years, married 3 with a toddler.
My husband is a good man who I know loves me but our marriage has been slowly declining. I was feeling that I was slowly becoming less and less important. It felt like there was no effort in our marriage, practically and romantically. Our arguments were getting worse so we decided to head to marriage counselling which he was all in for. We've been very lucky to find a great one and we are 3 sessions in.
Our arguments base around me feeling frustrated with having to do everything around the house. He will do if he is asked but I was feeling like I was micro managing. He has no issues with me asking him to do things and will happily do it but I have to ask repeatedly. The same goes for making 'effort' to keep the spark alive.
Life has gotten harder. He's doing great in work but a lot more responsibility. We had LO in lockdown and she is a terrible sleeper. We've spent a lot time just surviving. He is an amazing dad. He loves LO and does more than his fair share of night wakings. He tells me all the time he loves me, supports me in everything and is my best friend.
Our Councelor has suggested (this week) that she strongly suspects that my husband may be ASD. We've done research and the questioner and we both agree.
I've felt a great sense of relief. I feel like this explains a lot my frustrations.
We've discussed that even though we will have to adjust how we do things its no excuse for him to not do it.
He wants to do all this. He wants to be an equal partner and do the things that I need to feel loved.
Hes put things in place to make sure that he does more around the house but I know that I am going to have to change as well.
I am going to have to be more upfront about what I want from him. If I would like him to do something for me I just have to tell him. He is always going to struggle with planning things himself and I probably won't get any romantic gestures without telling him flat out.
I've just realised that mothers day is soon and he's probably not planned anything (I asked him and I was right) so I've booked it myself.
He said that he has been thinking of things but not actually done anything.
My logical brain understands that he just thinks differently but its still hard not to be disappointed.
I'm so sorry for the essay but I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with this and how you manage it?

You need to set really clear expectations and talk thing through with him as clearly as possible. I’m getting the impression that you do things because that’s the dynamic, but then you get frustrated that he isn’t doing more. You need to take a step back and stop doing the things that he hasn’t/didn’t realize you were expecting him to do. Things won’t change if you keep behaving like that.

You need to be clear about what you want, but also, you need to learn to let go and let him get on with things. Otherwise you’ll just end up doing everything and feeling really resentful about it.

I'm not in this situation but I have spent most of my adult life trying to work on myself in this way. Identifying what I really want and trying to be direct in asking for it.
When I achieve it it's brilliant but it is very hard if it's not your natural personality and you've been socialised to think of directness as rude.
Try to think of it as working on making yourself happier in general rather than just something your doing for your DH.
I'm in my 40s and looking around the women I know who seem most content in life are those who have no problem asking for what they want.

Dear @Babyburrito0
I understand perfectly how you feel. My DH was diagnosed ADHD two years into marriage as it felt like and still feels living with a 3 year old.
I have no wise words to share . It is a very heavy load to bear.
What’s really helped me is to cultivate and display the quality of goodness as it encompasses qualities such as kindness, patience, gentleness.
Everyday is still a huge huge struggle but I focus on his positive qualities.

What is it about him being autistic that makes you think he can't do romantic gestures or plan things for himself? It sounds like you and your counselor have every old-fashioned idea of what it means to be autistic that are based on stigma and prejudice. He may be autistic but the issues you have in your marriage sound like they are caused by ADHD. Especially the thinking about doing things but not being able to get them done.

My husband is autistic and he's the opposite to yours. For example, a few years ago for valentines, he gave me a book called 'I choose you'. I was feeling down the other night so so he got it out and read it to me.

I have ADHD and struggled to put my thoughts into actions unless I'm medicated.

@HMG107

What is it about him being autistic that makes you think he can't do romantic gestures or plan things for himself? It sounds like you and your counselor have every old-fashioned idea of what it means to be autistic that are based on stigma and prejudice. He may be autistic but the issues you have in your marriage sound like they are caused by ADHD. Especially the thinking about doing things but not being able to get them done.

My husband is autistic and he's the opposite to yours. For example, a few years ago for valentines, he gave me a book called 'I choose you'. I was feeling down the other night so so he got it out and read it to me.

I have ADHD and struggled to put my thoughts into actions unless I'm medicated.

I thought so too that OP’s description sounded more like ADHD. Reading Melissa Orlov’s book on ADHD marriage has helped manage my expectations but also see areas where I had/have been making things worse. Ultimately adhd doesn’t kill marriages. It is the non management of symptoms by adhd partner that does.

Unfortunately DH refuses meds and CBT..

Thank you everyone for your replies!
So we do also think that he has ADHD as well but as I've said he is working on ways to manage that.
I'm sorry that someone thinks that I have old fashioned views. I work in this sector so I'm very aware of working with people's strengths.
I dont think that the ASD means he can't be romantic. What I'm trying to say is how do I accept that I won't have things that are my view of romance. Obviously ASD is a spectrum and it will not present the same I'm everyone but in the rush of everyday life he struggles to stop and consider

Both my DH and I are autistic and the inability to put words into actions is definitely part of autism too, not just ADHD. There is a lot of cross over between the two in terms of executive functioning difficulties (eg getting stuff done, general disorganisation, time keeping, breaking tasks down into smaller parts).
From what you said your DH could be autistic. Clear, direct words help us understand. Sometimes the really obvious things are not as obvious to us eg asking if anything had been arranged for Mothers Day isn’t always taken as a hint. Much easier to say, ‘I would like to go to …. Restaurant or receive a lovely bunch of tulips because they are my favourite’. To lots of people this would be too blunt/ rude but autistics tend to take this at face value. If he loves you and wants what is best then he will appreciate clear instructions on how he can make you happy. We are both aware of the social norms around us but often find them difficult. Although we are both autistic we are also quite different and it took years of miscommunication before we really understood each other. And it was so worth it in the end to make the effort to match our communication styles and expectations.

Direct communication will help with this OP. You say he wants to be an equal partner and that is probably true but he doesn’t necessarily understand exactly what to do to achieve that. Try explaining exactly what that looks like for you, even if you think he should already know eg we should take turns cooking dinner, on special occasions I like flowers and a card. When you do this, I feel this way etc.

Posted too soon!
He struggles to stop and consider if I might need something more from him.
He is working very hard at the moment on the things that he needs to do for our marriage, especially after being given such big news. I also need to work on understanding that this will affect how he behaves but also deal with the disappointment.

Hi OP, how are things going now?