How to support single friend who is struggling?

[Acunningruse]

By way of background, my friend left her husband for another man 3 years ago. That relationship only lasted a short time (he was abusive) and friend has been single since then. She is really struggling with being single, the loneliness (she also works from home which doesn't help) and the feeling that 'everyone else' is coupled up (in her/our circle of friends, unfortunately, everyone else is married with children). She has tried OLD but it never seems to go past a first date and this also leads to her feeling more depressed. She has been spending a lot of time on social media and is comparing her life with other people's and being very down about being single.

I just don't know how to support her. i see her as often as possible and text every day, we go on a weekend away every few months and I organise birthday celebrations etc so its not so much the practical support as the emotional support? Its just so hard to know what to say, I had said things like 'you'll meet someone in time' etc and she got quite cross (very out of character for her) saying I don't know that she will meet someone. Which is of course true and the last thing I want to do is just spout platitudes but its hard to know what else to say?

Without wanting to dripfeed, I should also add that she has developed an unhealthy habit with regard to her husband who she left, who is now seeing someone else, and is stalking them both on social media, texting him a lot etc. I suspect she regrets leaving him but he has, understandably, moved on. There is a lot of unhealthy behaviour which I think stems from the loneliness and having too much time on her hands, but I just don't know how to help her.

Tbh you are doing all you can and she is lucky to have a good friend in you. You can't really say much but encourage her to focus on herself and learn to love herself and comparing life's on SM will not help, also stalking the ex which I'm sure she already knows deep down. I think you are doing everything a good friend can do. She has to change her mindset and that's only up to her to do that.

you sound like a good friend.

how can you help her? suggest some therapy for her self destructive behaviours? would she be able to hear that? or does she is think she is lonely because of bad luck?

Ypu sound like a good friend but tbh thisbis her issue to resolve. There's not really a lot ypu can do with someone who doesn't help themselves and run the very real risk of compassion fatigue.

I have a friend in similar position. I have offered all the emotional support that I can. The truth now is that he has become so negative that he wouldn't be attractive to anyone who didn't have huge rescuer/co-dependent tenancies.

He need sto get a grip and rake responsibility for his own health, happiness and well being and your friend needs to do the same. You can't do it for her.

Thank you both. She previously (before she left her husband) had counselling due to a work-related traumatic incident but she said she didn't find it helpful so has been reluctant to try it again, even though I agree I think it would help particularly given the fall-out from the abusive relationship. Its so difficult, its so easy for me to say that i think she should do XYZ and change ABC when I'm happily married, whos to say I wouldn't be exactly the same in her situation, but I hate to see her caught in what appears to be a self-destructive spiral.

she says she wont find it helpful because she has you as a free 24/7 free therapist!

I sound mean but your friend would benefit more from helping herself. and you will end up tired and fed up. sorry OP. been there.

wonder how your friend would react if you said you were having your own problems and didn have the mental/emotional bandwidth to take on others problems?

She is lucky to have a friend like you in her life. She left her husband a few years ago and then had the whole COVID situation to deal with. Then she is working from home so she hasn't even work colleagues to chat with, go to places with or even to moan about the boss.
She is board and looking at FB which is full of so called "wonderful lives".
If she is stalking and texting her ex and his new girlfriend they could go to the police about her. I think you need to say this to her as your worried about her. Would you encourage her to get some therapy to help her move on with her own life?
Could you suggest that she joins a gym or gets involved with some group of people who share an interest she has?
I have a single friend and she told me it was hard in the past watching everyone in couples when she could not meet someone. She was spending a lot of time on her own so she decided to get involved in a few things. She made new friends but when COVID hit it was hard but she kept in contact with people.
She is now making plans for what she wants to do the rest of the year including changing jobs.

She sounds like she can't be alone/is obsessed with men. Until she learns to love and accept herself as she is, she'll keep getting into disastrous relationships and expecting men to save her and magically transform her life.

You can't do her inner work for her, she has to realise for herself. Sounds like she wouldn't thank you for pointing it out either. Can you step away, she sounds like a real drain.

You sound like a great friend, and very supportive however I have been like your friend before and the best things I did to snap out of it was to get off Facebook, so I could stop stalking ex’s as well as comparing my life to other people, continue OLD but really re thought my behaviour, conversation and choice of date so I would be more successful-I have not been but I get a lot more 2nd, 3rd and 4th dates and the reasons they don’t work out are far more to do with vibe and being a bad fit-much easier to handle and I rarely feel shit when it doesn’t go to plan anymore.
I also force myself to do hobby’s out of the house, like exercise classes on certain days.
Seeing friends much more regularly.
Also I had a stern word with myself that actually at the age of forty there is a strong chance I might not meet somebody and I have to accept that-this really helped.
It does seem from your op that you do a lot for her, and to help her but she is not helping herself. Maybe point this out, you can’t be her support person forever.