In a mess, please help me figure out what's normal

[SilverDoe]

I am at a really low point in my relationship with my partner of 9 years. I have been with him since I was 19 and we have 3 young kids together. I think I am ready to gently separate for a while, with both of us still living in separate rooms, as I am just very down and feel it's not working despite years of ultimately loving each other and being happy.

The back story is he has a traumatic past and has issues with self medication (which he is in treatment for) and his mental health in general. Every few months we argue about this stuff, basically him being low puts a strain on, we end up bickering over something small which blows into a whole thing about me not getting it, not being supportive enough, he is struggling.

I have broken to him after the latest argument that I do think we would benefit from our own space, and have essentially called his bluff as he was the one to actually use words like "this is over" and "we've just grown apart", but seems to me either surprised or upset that I have actually acted on it.

I am spinning constantly between feeling for the first time a sense of relief and peace at the idea of disentangling our lives for a while, and intense guilt and pain for entertaining ending it.

I feel like a lot of guilt is being laid on by him for some things in particular. The first is that he is extremely upset that I confided in a friend about the situation. Before now, in all of our time together I have never disclosed anything about the nature of our issues, even when I could have used with some support to help me through the more difficult times, to respect his privacy as the MH stuff is his issue. He obviously read my messages in order to do this, and I feel like he is more upset about the fact I've spoken out about it.

Also, how do people feel usually when breaking up with someone? Because while I am feeling more and more that it would ultimately benefit both of us hugely to at least temporarily separate, the crippling guilt over telling him I'm no longer his partner is the single most excruciating emotion I've dealt with.

So my question is - is it normal to discuss relationship issues with outside parties (as in not anonymously) or was this a betrayal of trust?

My second one is - how hard is it to really break up with someone? I see people break up all the time but the thought of it is tearing me apart despite me being sure it is what I want, at least for now.

Thirdly - breaking up and living/co parenting together - can it work?

You seem concerned about what is 'normal', 'usual', what 'can work'.

There is no generic overview, here, no overall judge of how things should be. Make your own rules. Make your own boundaries. Do what feels right to you.

1. is it normal to discuss relationship issues with outside parties?

Do what feels right for you.

2. how hard is it to really break up with someone?

Do what you know in your heart is right for you. Is it good for you to stay? Does it feel good? Does it feel like, by staying, you would be leading the life you dream of? However hard a thing is, adults do it if it's the right thing.

3. breaking up and living/co parenting together - can it work?

Yes, for some. No, for some. Go with what you feel.

I do appreciate that different things work for different people but I am genuinely confused and upset over whether i have crossed a boundary most other people wouldn't cross by speaking about our relationship issues with a friend.

2 - it's not as easy as that for me and my conflicting emotions are genuinely clouding my view of what I actually feel. I ultimately love this man but I am starting to believe that when there are children involved love actually isn't enough in either direction - I'm not sure whether lack of romantic love would be enough to end it nor do I feel right now that my love for him or his for me can outweigh the difficutlies we have in our relationship over a singular issue.

He is my first and only long term relationship. I would really appreciate other people's perspectives over what they have done in similar situations because I'm at a very real and painful loss over what to do.

This sound so hard op.

I have 1 friend that I would talk to about any problems, I know she isn't going to gossip and I can trust her to guide me through as she has my best interest at heart. I would hope DH also ha someone he could talk to, I would take it personally. So I don't think you've done anything wrong in confiding in a friend.

WRT the relationship, it's really hard, you've been together since you were very young, it's all you've really known, you've built a life with this man, it's very hard to go back from that, possibly more so when there hasn't been a definitive event such as abuse or cheating because there is a lot of guilt and overthinking especially regarding the children.
If you aren't happy and it sounds like your not, I think you should do a trial separation, have some space, sort boundaries and stick to them, then come back to the table and see how you both feel. You don't have to make any final decisions now, you can just give things a chance and see how it goes for you both.

@purpleboy thank you you're spot on about everything and I think that my instincts to gently/temporarily try separation for our own breathing space is right. I hope he can accept that

Hi OP,

I think it definitely can be normal to speak to outside parties about your relationship. If you're struggling, its normal to want/need to discuss it with someone, look for advice etc. The fact he read your messages is not on, and as long as you were respectful in your discussion with your friend, I think he needs to understand how hard it is for you as the partner of someone like this and you need support yourself.

Your other points, I have no idea about. A lot of what you wrote really resonated with me though, I'm in a situation where I am considering ending my marriage and completely get what you said about the overwhelming guilt, and the fact that I love him a lot but I'm unsure if it's enough to overcome our issues. Hopefully some wiser posters come along with some good advice!

it's not as easy as that for me and my conflicting emotions are genuinely clouding my view of what I actually feel

But this is how you feel. What you feel is 'confused', and that doesn't happen in healthy relationships. Back away from anybody or any situation that makes you feel confused. Anybody who loves and respects you will respect your need to do this, because they will want you to look after yourself and they'll want you to feel better.

Anybody who restricts you (or makes you feel restricted) from doing this isn't on your side.

So, what will he say if you simply say to him 'I'm confused about how I feel and I need to take some time for myself'? Will he say 'Of course, darling, you do what you need to do, I'm here to support you', or 'Is there anything I can do to help?' or 'I wish you didn't feel that way'? If not, what do you think he will say?

@Watchkeys I see your point, I didn't see that before. He's not taking it well to be honest, but I think in time he will see the benefit and also I do realise now if that's what I need it's what I need and no one should be making me feel otherwise.

Part of me feels crushing sadness at the idea of not spending our life together romantically, but we will always have loved eachother and will always have children together, so maybe it's not all doom and gloom. Because maybe it's just because things are bad right now, but I do get a small, deep down sense of - am I really going to spend my entire life in this relationship?

I will start with the separation whilst living together and also having separate money which I think will take a lot of the strain off. There's just so much to think about though

It's going to be really tough, but I think your doing the right thing, you have to figure out what YOU want, what makes YOU happy. It might not come quickly, but you will realise one way or another what you want.

Sounds like you're on a healthy track, @SilverDoe. It really does hurt, but in the end, none of your options don't hurt. Staying hurts, taking a break hurts, leaving hurts. Your responsibility to yourself is to choose the hurt that will do the least damage to your future, rather than the one that hurts least now. It's shit. But if you've realised you don't want to be in this forever, you know what you have to do. You can do it at your own pace though: you make all the rules, you're in charge. Do it right, for you