Resentment build up - how to deal with this

[JenifromtheBlock]

A problem as old as time I know, but just looking for some advice as things face really hit rock bottom this week with resentment between husband and I since having our baby.

Context is DD is 20 months and so far I've been her sole carer during the week. She was born in lockdown and her first year was basically indoors with our allocated one hour walk. I lost my freelance consulting work due to Covid and so I haven't gone back. Husband works long hours till late in corporate role and has been wfh, now part time in the office. He has struggled wfh as he thrives on the face to face energy and creativity, and hates zoom etc, plus he says he feels pressure at home to help out and hard to focus on his role. I've tried really hard to leave him to it during the day, not let baby in his room etc. I found it hard looking after a toddler all day everyday. We don't have any other help, and no family to lean on. We've both struggled to adjust to not having proper down time and weekends still feeling like work - basically life as a parent. Our DD is gorgeous though and we adore her. Hopefully I don't sound ungrateful.

We finally have DD signed up to start nursery this week, but she came down with Covid and was very poorly. Cue 6 days and counting of being indoors and trying to find activities for a miserable and very poorly toddler.

My back is completely messed up from lifting DD into buggy, high chair, car seat, cot etc and last night it completely packed in. I almost dropped her into the cot and since then I can barely walk. I can't pick her up or anything. I feel miserable about it.

DH is wfh today and so I'm going to have to call on him to help eg with lunchtime nap. He understands but it's the worst timing and putting more strain on us. He said he wishes he could go and work in the office away from the negative atmosphere. I feel so lonely and crap doing 12 hr days with a toddler. My identity is gone. I've still got baby weight I haven't got time to exercise to shift. I eat healthily but live for wine in the evenings which isn't good for me. I don't know who I am anymore. We want two children but the idea of going through this again feels like a guaranteed divorce which I desperately don't want.

My DH and I were so in love and never argued before DC. I had a tough labour and DH was amazing in those early days. I felt so loved and protected. It's since DD became an energetic toddler that things have been hardest.

I'm so frustrated we were supposed to begin nursery this week so I could start to rebuild my freelance career and have time to exercise and it's instead been the worst week.

DH and I are treading on eggshells. It's no use thinking if only granny could take toddler for the day so we could have quality time together - we literally have no-one to babysit.

If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful.

This phase will pass - keep reminding yourself of that.

Set in motions finding a local reliable babysitter who you can call on. Find someone who can build a relationship with your dd so you feel happy leaving her. This will give you freedom when you need it. Start now when there's no urgency.

Your dd will be able to start nursery as soon as she's over Covid so it's short term pain.

Take some anti inflammatories to help with back - and book to see physio if not better in a few days.

Be kind to yourself. Toddler years are hard.

Back pain brings anyone down, so be kind to yourself. You have a plan in place to improve your life with DD going to nursery - focus on that. She'll recover and then you can move ahead again. If nursery doesn't work out perhaps your DH could try renting a co- working desk space sometimes or get a lock for the room he works in. Go out to eat or coffee, a walk or a run at "lunch" times to get some air and a break from the house.

If you can afford it look at ways to make your life easier - maybe get a cleaner? Some nursery staff are often open to doing baby sitting. You could organise weekends so that you each get some seperate "down time". He could take Dc out on a Saturday morning so you get a lie in and then you do Sunday morning.

Also don't worry about using the TV as a "babysitter" when you DC and yourself are both poorly. I hope you both recover soon.

you're both at the end of your tether and with the light at the end of the tunnel in sight it's even worse. I am going to reserve judgment on your DH and give him the benefit of the doubt (although VERY grudgingly I must admit) but could you post on eg Bubbl/facebook local group and see if you can find some temp help this week - even from 10-5 each day until your back improves/you get her to nursery.

And you need to start protecting your body too.

Give the nursery 4 weeks and then have a sit down with your DH and negotiate how the new world order is going to work. EG child sickness/what if you need to be at meetings early late/who is going to do what in the home/getting a cleaner/carving out time in the evenings and weekend for yourselves equally.

Thank you. Do parents ever get external babysitters at the weekend? Ie is that a thing? It seems so cruel. But we are on our knees with no time off and no family support. Good idea about the nursery.

Of course people get external babysitters. Most people don't have family on tap to babysit.

Its not cruel to make time for yourselves.

I meant specifically at the weekend.

@JenifromtheBlock

Thank you. Do parents ever get external babysitters at the weekend? Ie is that a thing? It seems so cruel. But we are on our knees with no time off and no family support. Good idea about the nursery.

Cruel to who?? The babysitter or baby?

If you can afford it, sounds like you need a babysitter to help out and give you both some downtime. Similarly you can get temp help when your back is aching to help with the baby if your husband is working

Eh? We have no family for hundreds of miles and got babysitters in when our son was sleeping through so around 6 months then from birth with our twins.
You need a break!

There’s a baby sitting company called Sitters, have a look at their website / app, they are local childminders and baby sitters.

OP lots of women and families rely on external help because they don’t have parents and siblings and friends to call on.

Please don’t feel guilty, it’s absolutely necessary for many women out there.

In terms of the resentment phase, it’s very very hard but it does pass and at 20 months you’re so very close to it easing up.
Once they get to 2/3 it does start to get a lot easier and it’s slightly less physical as well once toilet trained and more independent.

I don’t really know how we got through it, making sure we both got a break, even if it was half an hour on a Saturday morning. Taking turns to have a lie in and a bath or a run / gym. One would do bath and bed time so the other could make dinner or have a bit of a clean up then we’d eat together and try and connect a little.

Even when we argued we tried to remind each other that we’re on the same side, that we ultimately love and respect each other even if we were pissed off in the moment. Doing small acts of kindness like running the other a bath or making them a cuppa or buying a nice dessert or something. I know it doesn’t sound much but in these times of high stress and tiredness, the small acts can really make a difference to your day. When my partner would run me a bath on a Sunday morning then make breakfast, I felt really loved and taken care of.

For you OP it sounds like you need to invest some more time in yourself, once DC is in nursery this will be a bit easier. It’s so hard to reclaim yourself after a baby but getting back to work, exercise, self care etc will help.

When do you think people normally get babysitters? Just when they're working? You must be aware of people getting a sitter to have the kids whilst they go out for an evening together?

I meant at the weekend

Especially at the weekend op.

Or any time that you need it.

@Watchkeys I guess I meant, say, Saturday morning so we can get some time to do things.

I think I am in a similar situation but also have one older child on top... It is really hard. You need to priotise your time off above anything. I have no family help either so weekends are really full on but we have a nursery, friends, nanny sometimes to take the pressure off. It is so so hard but it shall also pass.

Op, I’ve been to similar places.

First. You need some rest. What helps your back? How bad is it? Do you need medical attention, or a physio or osteopath? It’s the weekend. Get that booked in for tomorrow and then book yourself into a hotel or Airbnb to rest properly for the day and night. Your DH CAN look after your dd and it will be good for him to do so.

Then: go home on Sunday and agree a plan to change things. Yes your DH should go back to his office several days a week. It will be good for him and you. Agree then that when he’s home set things he will do.

Your DC having Covid sucks but is temporary. So hang on in there and get them settled into nursery (can take longer than you’d think, so prepare yourself for needing to stay / short sessions only for a good week or two).

Plan a regular weekend activity that gets you out of the house and requires your DH to have solo charge of your dc.

Once dc is settled at nursery take some time to recover and nurture yourself before you get stuck into working again.

BUT once you have work, set ground rules with your DH early. I like working out of the home as I can do longer days and leave DH to do bedtime. Whereas if I’m in the house dc don’t accept a daddy only bedtime. It is what it is. Keep your weekend activity for yourself too.

If your husband is happier in the office encourage him to get back there. But make sure you’re not the one doing all the flexing of life / work for your child. It’s the path of least resistance but as you’re finding it makes everyone miserable.

In your shoes I would seek employment - full time of that’s all I could get - and not to freelance, unless you have a FAST route to decent income, and get good childcare.

On days when your H is wfh I’d go out to exercise in the early morning, eg 8am - 9am or evening, eg 6pm, and DH can do some parenting. And book some social stuff with friends.

Your H is a parent too and should do more!

Would also seek medical advice asap about your back.

Do you guys not tag-team to allow each other some breathing space?

I’m wondering is there more to this. How much parenting does your DH do?

You both need to have equal time off. But I realise this is problematic for having time together!

You have had such a hard time recently. It WILL pass. You are so close to her starting nursery. Ok need to hold tight and see how that feels (it will be life changing). Then nursery may well offer baby sitting services for you to have time together.

You are exhausted, burnt out and lost. BUT this will get better with her at nursery. Being a parent is hard work. Being a SAHM is even harder in my opinion (I have done both)

You could also try childcare.co.uk OP. I'm on there and I work predominantly as an after-school nanny but often do ad-hoc sessions for families in similar situations to yours during the weekday mornings and occasionally weekends. I second getting a good working relationship with a babysitter you can trust and use the sessions and support in whichever ever way you need. It's not easy, I know. I remember going to the local sports centre and just sitting and having a coffee for an hour while my child was in the crèche, as I was so desperate for a break!

I’m thinking if your husband wants to work in the office to escape the negativity (whatever he means by that) its more like he can’t be arsed doing stuff for his child and he sees you are off not working and thinks you should do it as it’s not like you’re doing anything else?

There are so many threads on here about the woman not getting a break. Even in the evenings. And the man has his Very Important Job. So he feels he can skip out on his share in the evenings (fair enough if he works during the day as he can’t do both a job and dc during daytimes) as somehow the child becomes the woman’s sole responsibility.

It will be such a relief for you when nursery starts.

If it helps, I got told ‘Don’t lift and twist. Backs don’t like that. Your feet should have toes pointing where you are bending’.

Hope your back recovers soon it’s awful.

I want to know the answer to that too, GaryTheCat.

I also want to know what is meant by the term 'corporate role' and whether this is your H's entire identity. If he misses the office terribly, then I suspect he has a need for an audience and frequent applause, which he won't get at home because toddlers don't work that way.

Now that your back has given out, he finds himself forced to stop starring in his Me show and perform his other role, the hidden, thankless role of husband and father, and there is now an 'atmosphere'.

If this is the case, then he needs to reset. He is a parent now, and that is going to be his 'role' until he pops his clogs.

It's not fair to just leave you to it.

You need to make an appointment with an osteopath or a physiotherapist. He needs to step up to parent and pull his weight in his home while you see about your back.

You need to join a gym or book swimming sessions or join a walking group, and commit to getting the frequent exercise that will save your back when you are 50. You must plan ahead to that day. It's too late to start when your child/ren are less demanding or when your H has time.

Tell H your plans. He needs to guarantee you the time for this. You need to find yourself again, to meet people, to get out of the rut.

Find a sitter who can come on Saturday mornings. Someone upthread mentioned Sitters. Well worth investigating.

It's not cruel to get a babysitter. I used to use sitters.co.Uk and they were great.

If you're feeling resentful then don't have another child - it will likely increase your resentment.