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Original poster

Date etiquette - meal cost

62 replies

CowboySong · 11/03/2022 07:30

I'm going on a date for dinner with a man I have met online. I have already met him once. He has told me that he likes to pay (I did buy a round a drinks too!). We're going out for dinner. I will want to pay half because of the type of person I am but I am worried he won't accept this. The issue therefore is this... I looked at the menu and what I want to eat is one of the most expensive dinners! Is this cheeky? Obviously I will happily pay but I'm worried he will think I'm taking the piss before the bill arrives. Or am I overthinking this? It's a pub not a fancy restaurant btw.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 11/03/2022 08:51

there are lots of gold diggers traditional women out there

Aww bless... you've bought into the misogynistic false narrative that lots of women are gold diggers...! Absolutely hilarious. Saw a great meme once that said something like.. stop calling women gold diggers...y'all don't have nothing Grin

But yeah, any women who won't put up with a cocklodger and expects a man to have his shit together and occasionally treat her to a pinot grigio is a gold digger.

Ok

Qwill · 11/03/2022 08:54

I don’t think it’s about the cost, the OP wants to pay half, but is worried her date ‘won’t let her’. That would be a huge red flag for me, what else would I be worried they ‘wouldn’t let’ me do.

writergirl747474 · 11/03/2022 11:33

Insist on paying half. His wanting to pay doesn't override you wanting to pay your share.

Men who insist on paying tend to be sexist in other areas too.

I've insisted on paying my way ever since a man insisted on paying a restaurant bill then asked for his money back when I wouldn't sleep with him.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 11/03/2022 11:42

I’d just say at the time of ordering “I’m planning to have X which is the most expensive thing on the menu so I’ll definitely be paying for my own meal!”

That way you get to eat what you want and feel comfortable knowing you’ve said your planning to pay. He may tussle over the bill at the end but you’ve been upfront and can’t be accused of being grabby. I love food and would rather pay my way and eat what I was really looking forward to than any of this “pick a cheap dish to keep your date happy” nonsense!

WaterBottle123 · 11/03/2022 11:47

His wants don't trump yours,

Order what you want and pay half.

Westfacing · 11/03/2022 11:48

I don't think the poor guy is being traditional, controlling or whatever - just indicating that he's not a 'go for a walk' type!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/03/2022 11:48

Can't you just be really honest about this?

Ask him how he wants to split the bill as you've spied something on the menu you really want but don't want him to think you're being cheeky by expecting him to pay for half if it.

I think most people find this sort of honesty require refreshing these days as it shows you're not prepared to play games or 'test' how much he is prepared to cough up.

girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 11:48

If he paid last time why don't you pay this time and tell him you like to treat your potential partner too

skgnome · 11/03/2022 11:54

If the difference it’s less than a £5 stop over thinking, and offer to pay your half, if he wants to treat you then that’s fine
If it bothers you that much, either be the one that invites and pays next time… or just say “thanks, but just to be clear, I don’t expect you to pay every-time, makes me uncomfortable, so next time is on me” (and pay next time)

Justleaveitblankthen · 11/03/2022 12:00

@Comedycook

Meanwhile in the Ukraine…

What an unfair comment. These boards are full of people discussing relatively trivial issues...do you post the same message on them all?

Agree with this. Some of us choose to come onto these threads out of interest/to relax/forget dreadful world events. There are plenty of other Ukraine threads to saturate yourself with, if you wish.
AwayInMyMind · 11/03/2022 12:08

I always took cash with me on dates and when the bill came I'd put a rough estimate of what I'd eaten on the table so there were no discussions.

Barkingmadhouse · 11/03/2022 12:12

Pretend you haven't seen the menu online and before seeing the menu in the restaurant make a vague comment about fancying XXXXX and you wonder if they sell it - that way atleast be will know that was your choice before seeing the prices. This obviously doesn't work as well if you want caviar or an expensive steak cut but it doesn't sound like this is the case anyway

neverenoughchelseboots · 11/03/2022 12:18

@girlmom21

Order what you want and pay your way. His wants don't trump yours.
This. All these comments about not choosing what you actually want so as not to upset a man.
donquixotedelamancha · 11/03/2022 12:45

Aww bless... you've bought into the misogynistic false narrative that lots of women are gold diggers...! Absolutely hilarious...... But yeah, any women who won't put up with a cocklodger and expects a man to have his shit together and occasionally treat her to a pinot grigio is a gold digger.

No, I was very surprised how many women still expect men to pay for the date when I came on MN.

I don't agree that expecting to be 'treated' from the start of a relationship is anything to do with a man 'having his shit together'.

Saw a great meme once that said something like.. stop calling women gold diggers...y'all don't have nothing grin

Is that an Oscar Wilde quote?

girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 12:48

Is that an Oscar Wilde quote?

FFS GrinGrinGrin

layladomino · 11/03/2022 12:48

Order what you want off the menu. Why wouldn't you?

Of course it isn't grabby - you've offered to pay, and have said you will at least go halves.

I really don't like it when people insist on paying. It's rude to insist on paying, and it suggests they think they are more wealthy / in charge / the great bestower who you should be grateful to.

Fine, if someone has asked you on a date then that person can insist on paying. But not every time. If you respect someone as your equal, why would you insist that you always pay?

I think some 'old school' men say it as they think it's what women want to hear. When I had second date with my DH, and told him I was paying, he just accepted it. He is generous and thoughtful, but he also looked at me as his equal. And if you want to be in a balanced respectful r'ship you need to make that the case from date 1.

Comedycook · 11/03/2022 12:53

@donquixotedelamancha

There's really not lots of gold diggers around and vast majority of women who would prefer a man to pay want that because they like the traditional male/female dynamic rather than just thinking goodie...a free pizza and a tiramisu! Usually those who call them gold diggers don't have the emotional intelligence to understand the subtlety of human interactions.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 11/03/2022 12:57

@CowboySong

I'm going on a date for dinner with a man I have met online. I have already met him once. He has told me that he likes to pay (I did buy a round a drinks too!). We're going out for dinner. I will want to pay half because of the type of person I am but I am worried he won't accept this. The issue therefore is this... I looked at the menu and what I want to eat is one of the most expensive dinners! Is this cheeky? Obviously I will happily pay but I'm worried he will think I'm taking the piss before the bill arrives. Or am I overthinking this? It's a pub not a fancy restaurant btw.
If he wants to pay and you want to accept then I think you should modify what you order.

Go for a middle ground.

Original poster
CowboySong · 11/03/2022 13:20

Crikey I didn't expect the other world issues to be posted on this. I was just trying to guage what is normal for dating. I haven't ever really done it with a stranger. Have always met a partner through work, home, friends etc.

I think I'll see on the night but otherwise me and the ribs are going to have a lovely time.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 13:27

@CowboySong

Crikey I didn't expect the other world issues to be posted on this. I was just trying to guage what is normal for dating. I haven't ever really done it with a stranger. Have always met a partner through work, home, friends etc.

I think I'll see on the night but otherwise me and the ribs are going to have a lovely time.

Oh you're brave going for ribs on date 2!

That's riskier than refusing to let him pay Grin

Bookworm20 · 11/03/2022 13:28

You've offered to pay half, he is insisting on paying. So let him. Just say something like, well ok, but definitely my treat next time then. And leave it at that.
Order what you like.
Maybe he'll order the same dish, so you won't feel as bad its the most expensive thing :)

Have fun, hope it goes well OP!

Crazykefir · 11/03/2022 13:32

Lots of couples pay half. Just say you'd prefer to pay half. If he insists on paying you can always buy some drinks at the bar.

hopeishere · 11/03/2022 13:42

"He's told me he likes to pay". This would put me off. It sounds smarmy.

However as to your dilemma:
Order what you want
Bill comes offer to split it
If he declines say I'll get the next time
If he refuses to let you pay the full bill the next time... run a mile!

writergirl747474 · 11/03/2022 13:43

@Bookworm20

You've offered to pay half, he is insisting on paying. So let him. Just say something like, well ok, but definitely my treat next time then. And leave it at that. Order what you like. Maybe he'll order the same dish, so you won't feel as bad its the most expensive thing :)

Have fun, hope it goes well OP!

The trouble with this is that he'll expect another date. She might not want date 3.
SpiceRat · 11/03/2022 13:47

Ribs on a 2nd date? You’re a brave woman than me I’d be wearing them home Grin