Can this work?

[cuppaandabiscuit]

Posted this elsewhere before managing to find the relationship board. Have added more info for context.

Want to start by saying DP is a good, kind, generous person who would give me the world if he could. A lot of the changes in our relationship has been forced on us by situations outside our control - maybe they could've been handled differently but who knows.

Back story
Been with DP nearly 9 years. I have 2 ds - 20 & 16. He has 1 DS - 15.
We were living together until 3/4 years ago when DSS came to live with DP following his mum moving away. My place isn't big enough for 3 teens. We weren't in a position to move together due to finances and school locations so DP moved in with his parents (who have ample space and are both semi retired so could help) with the intention that we'd save to buy somewhere together once school places less of an issue. During Covid they did stay here more as I was WFH so could help with home schooling and also so there wasn't too much to-ing and fro-ing to minimise risk of covid. We did some home improvements to create a small extra room for the boys to have more individual space and it kinda worked. However post covid, schools are back, DSS can't get to school from mine so DP had to go back to his parents.

Onto now :-

For the last year or so, due to both DP & Mine work commitments we're barely seeing each other. He had to change to shifts during Covid & has been told won't be getting changed back so he now works 3 out of 4 weekends. I work longer hours during the week. So getting quality time together is tough. Obviously he isn't going to stay here too often without his son but I can't Ferry his son around like GPs can so his son only stays here 1 weekend a month when DP not working. Meaning most weeks dp might stay a couple of times around his & mine work and that's it. When he's here it's great, but is twice a week most weeks enough time sustain a relationship? Given that I have no idea if/when we'll be able to look at moving back in together?

On that note: DP hasnt saved much. In 3 years I've got over 10k to go towards buying somewhere; he has maybe 2/3k which, considering he earns more than me and lives with parents so has less outgoings is a bit of a concern.

Also, DSS has told DP he doesn't want to move out of DGP's - he is doted on there and they do EVERYTHING for him so why would he.

DP is also a bit of a Disney dad which leads to arguments when DSS stays (which isn't very often these days) as I think a 15 year old should be capable of keeping their room tidy and helping out (a little) where needed but also shouldn't expect to be taxied around at the drop of a hat (for example DP has changed plans at short notice because DSS has decided he wants a lift to friends for example). On this point I must add he's the same with my kids - he'll do their chores for them because it's 'easier' or drive my youngest to school cos he cba to get the bus.

I have tried to talk to him about his thoughts on how we make it work long term and he just says oh you don't know what's going to happen, it'll be fine and work out somehow. But that's not enough for me. I hate the fact ive gone from having a live in partner to a part time boyfriend. I'm struggling to get over my resentment at the changes that have had to happen and a part of me does blame DP for some of it (I do think he could've handled dss moving with him differently and found a way they could've moved in here - we have created an extra room after all). So given all this, realistically is there a way forward for us?

He prefers living at his parents. If they do everything for his DSS then of course they’re doing everything for him as well. He’s clearly not making an effort to move your lives forward together if that’s all he has saved when he could likely save more. I would be surprised if he really had to work 3/4 whole weekends. That seems odd. It sounds like he has everything he wants, right where he wants it.

If I've understood DSS can't get to school from yours, s I don't see how it could work you all living together.
The boy will be leaving school in a few years so you can reasses then, if that's not enough for you then you can split up of course.
He rightly put his sons needs first when he came to live with him, you'd have done the same for your dc.
If you're financially incompatible you can have a discussion about it of course, and again split if there's no resolution.

He does have to work 3 out of 4 full weekends - it's how his shift pattern works. I've seen his contract and can assure you he's being honest. When he's at mine he does a lot to help - DIY, cooking, housework etc. Only thing he doesn't do is laundry cos I'm obsessive about it lol.
His parents don't do a lot for him- he helps out with maintenance of their house, does cooking etc for him & DSS (and them) when he's not on shift etc.

Of course he can't move back in at the moment because of the school situation. I don't blame him for that (but will say at the time DSS moved DP worked a job where he could've taken DSS to/from school most of the time and I could've managed the rest - hence why I have a little resentment) But then what happens in 2/3 years and DSS refuses to move with him, which he's told DP he's not going to.
Finances, I think he's relying on his parents who's retirement plan is to sell up, down size and gift the equity to their kids. Although they have now said they might not do that so DSS can stay with them as long as he wants.

Yes it can work but only if you accept the set up. You are both prioritising your children and job which is positive..so many parents put the relationship first at a cost to the children.

He doesnt seem in a rush to move out. If one of his parents pass then will he feel it's even more important he stays living with his surviving parent?

You need to have a frank conversation about your future. It doesn't appear like you have the same agenda.

Maybe he's waiting until his son is older, more independent. But I'd be concerned that despite earning more and living with his parents, he hasn't saved up more - maybe he has but is just not telling you for whatever reason.
I think twice a week is enough but I guess if you were used to more than this is a step back. You could hang in there for a couple more years in the hope that things change but risk that it may not and the resentment will build.

There are a few different issues but the one I lease understand is his lack of savings. What’s he said about that? Did you agree a savings target together or was it just a see what you could manage plan?

Where’s his money been going?

I think you’ve been more than accommodating and I’d be hurt and disappointed in your shoes at what looks like a real lack of investment and commitment to your relationship.

For me the only upside is his son doesn’t want to move in with you. You don’t need more of his lazy entitlement and your partner’s cop out Disney dadding than one weekend a month. That’s plenty of irritation to look forward to…

But it is an obstacle to you cohabiting again.

Is your fear that he’s happy with the status quo while you want more - or at least what you had before?

Agree sounds like multiple issues…

Your fella clearly has no real plan for the future for you and him, he’s told you that, verbally, and shown this in his savings.

But then, if his Disney dadding causes arguments - do you really actually want to move in? Be careful what you wish for!

(Raises hand) Another one here who was cohabiting during lockdown. BF and I have been together 6 years, both of us have late teens.

We have reverted back now to separate houses, due to his parenting of his dd who is 20 and being enabled to stay treated (and behave) like a spoiled/small child (we are talking no school/college/hobby/work/chores/social life or independence - quite extreme). I can’t be doing with that.

There are many ways of making things work.

Him working 3 out of 4 weekends sounds like it’s very difficult. I would find that tricky. If you saw him weekends, how would that be - would it help?

You’re in different pages… it’s not going to work.

Thank you for all the comments. It really has given me food for thought.
I've said to DP that there are some major considerations we need to discuss to look at whether we have a viable future. I've told him my major concerns:-

What happens in 2/3 years when I'm in a position to move to a (slightly bigger nicer area) place? Will we club together and get somewhere big enough for all of us? What if DSS doesn't want to come?
If DSS does come - how do we reach a middle ground with parenting styles so I'm not the only one issuing chores, expecting Independence etc?
If DSS doesn't come initially what then happens if DPs parents decide to sell up or become unable to continue looking after DSS? (Although by the age 18 DSS shouldnt need too much looking after IMO)

I've also told him if all these can be answered I still need financial commitment from him.

I've left things there to give him a chance. Have told him I can live with the current situation if I feel there's a future we're moving towards but if not then what's the point?