Breaking off an engagement

[throwway21]

I'd be grateful for any help on this as I'm very confused and neither my head nor my heart are guiding me in any singular direction.

I got engaged to a guy at 26 years old, knew him for a few years but felt as I was approaching the age of settling down I should get settled down with this one. From the very start I wasn't 100% sure of him, but I was constantly being told he is such a good guy and I'd be stupid not to make him my soon-to-be husband. So I did, I accepted his proposal and we got engaged. I should say at this point that it was an arranged marriage so I didn't get a great deal of time to talk to him a lot or "date" him.

About a month into our engagement, I felt myself becoming more distant with him because tbh the more I talked to him, the more I was realising we were not very similar in terms of personalities. I like a guy who is confident, has a good sense of humour, is "manly" and able to take the lead with things, etc. My fiance is none of those. I also didn't fancy him in any real way where I'd think of him when I was listening to a song or watching a rom-com. I truly don't think of him in any romantic sense. I definitely don't think of having sex with him and sometimes think I'd only probably have sex with him for the sole purpose of conceiving.

Saying all of that, he is truly a great human being. He is caring, respectful, values my opinion, tries to be the perfect person for me, is patient and I know he'd make a good father and husband. But I just don't feel ANYTHING for him.

I work around men all the time and when I leave a conversation with a lot of them, I realise more and more how much easier the conversations flow with them compared to with me and my fiance. I respect my fiance as a person but I can't imagine having a meaningful enjoyable conversation with him where I would develop more feelings for him.

I'm truly stuck. My heart is definitely not pulling me towards him. My head is though, because I feel it'll be difficult for me to find anyone who is this respectful and a kind person. I'm 28 at the moment and when I hear others speak of their other halfs, I get a pang in my chest because they're probably (I'm 90% sure actually) that their relationship/marriage is probably worth more than whatever I have atm. At least they have something that is making them stick around in their marriage or relationship. For me, the only thing making me stick is the fear of not finding anyone who is a kinder person than my fiance and that I should just see how it goes even if we will never have a relationship where we bounce off each other.

I also talk to my single friends a lot and they tend to have a strict criteria of what they'd want in a partner. From my track record compared to theirs, I have tended to like a lot of guys they wouldn't look twice at, so I feel in some ways I'm not too picky either. I just want someone who I can feel home with.

We don't have any children and I definitely would not bring children into the world with how our relationship is currently.

Anyone been through similar/know anyone that has? I don't want to break off an engagement and later regret it. Thank you x

For the sake of both of you, leave.

Don't spend your life with a man you don't love and equally, don't waste a man's life and take the place of someone who will actually love him.

I’ve always followed my Mum’s advice and say the same to my DD…don’t waste time with someone you don’t love. My Dad was my Mum’s third fiancé, she’d broken it off with the other two when she realized that she didn’t really love them. Then she met my Dad, married him just three months later and they were together until she died.

Please don’t stay with someone just cause they are a nice person. In a few years you will be miserable cause you don’t fancy him anymore but you will struggle to leave if you have children.

Let him find someone that adores him for who he is and you can find someone that you are more attracted to

You’re wasting two people’s time here. You’re 28, and you really sound as if you should be single awhile, grow up, and then date a lot of people.

@Munchcrip

For the sake of both of you, leave.

Don't spend your life with a man you don't love and equally, don't waste a man's life and take the place of someone who will actually love him.

You're right. Tbh if he turned around to me tomorrow and said he's met a woman and wants to leave, I'd be over the moon for him because a) there is someone who will love him for him, rather than me trying desperately to stick around because I'm scared of giving up an "okay" relationship in case I don't find anyone better, and b) it'd give me a reason to not feel guilt for the relationship ending.

I do want to respect him but I feel as the marriage progresses, I won't treat him as my equal and I'd probably take out my frustrations on him. But sometimes I feel that is because I'm probably a shitty person and I should be able to control my emotions.

@Cameleongirl

I’ve always followed my Mum’s advice and say the same to my DD…don’t waste time with someone you don’t love. My Dad was my Mum’s third fiancé, she’d broken it off with the other two when she realized that she didn’t really love them. Then she met my Dad, married him just three months later and they were together until she died.

I'm so happy to hear she finally experienced the love she wanted after two broken engagements, sounds like she was a brave woman and never gave up for what she really wanted.

How did she have the courage?

You’re not a shitty person, OP, you’re simply not in love with him. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just the way it is. 💐

You will never, EVER, regret ending this engagement. You will enormously regret marrying this man if you don't.

She was v. independent and career focused, which helped. In both cases, she broke off the relationship, applied for a new job and moved away.😂

One more thing, doesn't this man, who you say is a wonderful man, deserve a wife who actually loves him? Not ending the engagement is spectacularly unfair to him, not just you.

@Aquamarine1029

One more thing, doesn't this man, who you say is a wonderful man, deserve a wife who actually loves him? Not ending the engagement is spectacularly unfair to him, not just you.

You're right and I'm sorry that in my OP I've centered it around myself.

I have told him of my unhappiness, pretty soon after I started to have doubts actually, because I didn't want to drag him along when my heart wasn't in the relationship as much as his was. At the moment his is still in it and he is willing to change himself to become my "perfect" husband which is something I definitely don't want him to do. I shouldn't have to change him to a large extent, he should be himself and I should be myself and we should work as two individuals if we're really meant to be in a marriage.

So he is aware that I am unhappy but for some reason he is willing to mold himself entirely to my ideals. And as I said, add to that his kind heart and I feel like I'd be walking away from what a lot of women would want.

You’re not a shitty person at all OP. You are just being honest with how you feel (and the one person you cannot fool is yourself).

I always wondered how these arranged marriages work, as in how can you really be compatible when the partner has been chosen for you? Having said that having read accounts from those that have been in them they have been more successful than western marriages.

You only get one life, and the best thing you can do for yourself and your fiancé is be truthful how you feel. Given how successful these arranged marriages tend to be there’s a good he will be able to find someone else who will click with him. You yourself say you don’t, and if if it’s not there it’s not there.

Good luck hun.

@Cameleongirl

She was v. independent and career focused, which helped. In both cases, she broke off the relationship, applied for a new job and moved away.😂

I see. I'm also career focused but I'm constantly surrounded by people in long-term relationship or marriages so despite trying to focus on being independent, I feel a very big void in my life. I just pray I find whatever I am looking for along the way.

*good chance

@KellsBells77

You’re not a shitty person at all OP. You are just being honest with how you feel (and the one person you cannot fool is yourself).

I always wondered how these arranged marriages work, as in how can you really be compatible when the partner has been chosen for you? Having said that having read accounts from those that have been in them they have been more successful than western marriages.

You only get one life, and the best thing you can do for yourself and your fiancé is be truthful how you feel. Given how successful these arranged marriages tend to be there’s a good he will be able to find someone else who will click with him. You yourself say you don’t, and if if it’s not there it’s not there.

Good luck hun.

Thank you x

I'm from a culture where arranged marriages are quite the norm and yes, they either work or they don't (majority I have witnessed have worked in longevity but obviously never know how the marriage truly is behind closed doors).

I am open to arranged marriage but the one lesson I have learnt from my own engagement is to have some sense of what you want in your partner, and don't give up on the ideals that would bring you the most happiness from your partner. For me, a big one is having a good conversation with someone who gets me and understands my humour. I feel my closest friends and family members are because I can talk to them freely without forcing a conversation.

With the way you are feeling, it's not going to get any better when married.

End the relationship. It isn't going to be easy but neither is spending intimate time with someone you do not love...

Don't compromise for both of your sakes. Set him and yourself free.