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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is my husband saying he's so unhappy?

25 replies

ConnieDescending · 04/01/2008 20:24

Hoping someone can help me - my DH has been snappy and quiet for the last few days......criticising everything I say and rolling his eyes etc........just been so damn miserable and wouldn't say why.

Today he came home from work early in a bit of the same mood.ABout an hour later 2 of my girls started arguing and he ends up storming out of the house without saying a word. I assumed he'd be home by dinner time but he wasn't - rang his mobile and it was switched off. He finally came home about 45 mins ago and said he'd just been staring into space in the car. He said he doesn't know whats the matter and that he's not happy....he says he has never felt happy and he doesn'tknow why. I asked him if he loved me and he said he does and that he doesn't know why I bother with him.

We didnt really argue but he couldnt look me in the eye - he did say he wasn't unhappy with me or our relationship but that he was just down and low.

I feel totally lost with what to think and how to help him. He says he's notleaving me but I am worried all the same.

We have 4 young children, the youngest of whom is just 7 weeks old. Can anyone shed any light????

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 04/01/2008 20:26

Has he got a history of depression?

grumpyfrumpy · 04/01/2008 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 04/01/2008 20:29

male pnd?
feels he's not getting enough attention

Lauriefairycake · 04/01/2008 20:30

who wouldn't be stressed with 4, the youngest of whom is seven weeks.

I would be inclined to take it absolutely at face value, that he is just low and miserable - and I think a lot of people go through this at this time of year.

how does he normally react to pressure?? might be a good question for you to think about - is he the kind to go quiet, process internally and then be fine in a few days?

whats the history here?

whatever is going on for him, look after yourself, while he's going through stuff your still flying the flag (doing everything)

ScoobyDoo · 04/01/2008 20:30

Money worries, i think he has something on his mind, trying to find out what would be the first step.

Original poster

ConnieDescending · 04/01/2008 20:31

dunno really - work not going so great ....but he's only been back 3 days. He has said this kind of thing before and has a tendency to be sulky at times but has never really opened up about it.

Could it be depression??He seems to think he's always felt miserable.

OP posts:

ScoobyDoo · 04/01/2008 20:31

Stressed? tired? does he work long hours?

Shaniece · 04/01/2008 20:32

Poor bloke, he's probably just stressed out.

Original poster

ConnieDescending · 04/01/2008 20:34

he is adament its nothing in particular. Don't think its an attention thing with the baby - he's not like that iykwim

OP posts:

clumsymum · 04/01/2008 20:34

Sounds like the start of a bout of depression to me. Has anything changed (other than new baby) in the last few weeks/months? Might he be stressed about work, probs with relatives, money worries or anything like it?

It may just be that the shorther days, along with new baby and disturbed sleep and the disruption that Christmas brings are pulling him down. Short term try to get him to exercise more, take a few vitamins, relax a bit more. If he likes a drink, see if he'll cut down a little.
If this carries on over 4 or 5 weeks, you may need to get him to talk to a Dr about depression.

soopermum1 · 04/01/2008 20:34

possibly tired, with a small baby in the house, though i imagine you are too, if not more so.

Racers · 04/01/2008 20:35

Sounds like he's maybe already said more than he would have in the past and if so that's a good thing, although it is worrying you at a not-so-helpful time he is obviously having a hard time coping too and just admitting it to you might help him start to cope better? Having just admitted and sought help for antenatal depression in the past few weeks, I'd say personally that a lot of what you say sounds familiar.

PeachyHasAFiggyPudInTheOven · 04/01/2008 20:35

could well be depressiona dn if it is he needs to talk to his GP, maybe get on the list for Counselling to try and work out what's going on. Whether or not AD's will help is individual, they've saved my dh's life in the past (literally) so I am very pro but not everyone needs them.

Original poster

ConnieDescending · 04/01/2008 20:35

yeah - he's probably tired....we both are and we do rely on his wages to support us all.

I am desperately hoping that its just stress and overwork.

OP posts:

clumsymum · 04/01/2008 20:36

It is quite common for someone dipping into a depression to feel like they have never been happy. The brain seems to blot out the more 'normal' memories.

Phatmouse · 04/01/2008 20:37

Could be anything really, you need to ask him, I know this might get me slated but do you make time for him. I know you have four kids but he is still a big part of that, do you do anything special just for him, get the kids in bed, babysat, make him dinner, have a night out, massage ect. I don't know if you work to but he may just feel his life is an endless stream of kids and work and need something to remind him that he matters too.

Its not easy but it can be fit around 4 kids and it might help to get him to open up. All I need when i'm feeling down and want to run away is for my OH to show me he cares and I matter.

hermykne · 04/01/2008 20:37

connie
initally maybe he needs a break i know you have the 4 kids predominantly but men cant handle it as well as women,imo shoot me down those who diagree, but maybe he s reached a point we re he needs time out and doesnt know how to do this or communicate with u.
ask him, give him a day away (hopefully without alcohol) maybe football,walking, hunting shooting fishing stuff that guys like.
maybe he ll get a bit of fresh air, headspace, and maybe talk more to u and maybe you ll reach a position u both are comfortable with.

PeachyHasAFiggyPudInTheOven · 04/01/2008 20:40

clumsy's right, esp on the downwards cycle- its like a big valley where you're staring at the ground and can only see the worst possible scenarios. tiredness is a common depression trigger as well, the number of DH's colleagues (er all of them) who take AD's is scary (night worker).

Original poster

ConnieDescending · 04/01/2008 20:40

not sure he would go to the GP or even say he's got depression............just asked him and he doesnt seem to think its depression - just that he's a grumpy miserable bastard (his words not mine)

thanks all

OP posts:

clumsymum · 04/01/2008 20:41

I know that dh and I both suffer from SAD (DH more than me), and it is weeks since we had a bright sunny day to help at all, here in the Midlands (UK).

Honestly that is enough to trigger a bought of dpression if someone is prone to it/overtired/stressed with work.

clumsymum · 04/01/2008 20:45

Part of the problem with depression is that the sufferer doesn't recognise it/admit it, and won't go for treatment.

The first time dh went into the full depressesd cycle, I had to go and talk to the Dr. about him (fortunately I recognised it, my father had been a sufferer). The Dr. put a note on dh's file, and when I finally got him to go (about a twisted knee), the GP opened up the conversation, and we slowly got help that way. It wasn't easy tho'.

Original poster

ConnieDescending · 04/01/2008 20:47

i guess i've been on auto-pilot recently....we did have a nice xmas and he seemed ok but we are both overtired with having baby in the house so have been snapping a bit.

Baby is sleeping early evenings so we have had time together and had a nice new years eve.....its since he's gone back to work really - maybe it is that???

He is in a sales environment so it is pressured and Jan in never a good month.

I am bf and expressing and DH has been giving expressed milk for one of the night feeds to help me get a bit of sleep....think I'll knock that on the head and do all the night feeds - see if that helps his state of mind a bit.

OP posts:

Phatmouse · 04/01/2008 21:54

Sales!!!! say no more did it for years and Jan is the worst month, no one has any money and hitting your targets are impossible, its a depressing situation and it has a knock on effect for commission. With 4 kids he is going to feel under a lot of pressure right now, mine did with one! You never want to let your family down.

clumsymum · 07/01/2008 14:52

How was your weekend Connie?

SexySAHM · 07/01/2008 15:20

Hi CD, my husband got the same after we had our daughter he did go to the Dr who recomended that he takes St Johns Wort and it did work so I can recomend it.

When I spoke to my midwife after my husband had gone to see the Dr she said that she is hearing of more and more fathers that are getting pnd but that no studies has been done yet so it is not really recognised as depression.

Try the St John Wort for a couple of weeks and see if it works. I think that becoming a parent can be overwhelming even if it is for the 4th time.

Hope this helped.

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