Diagnosed with OCD - relationship

[fantalemon5]

I was recently diagnosed with Pure O with some compulsions, which makes perfect sense as I’m always seeking constant reassurance from my boyfriend, asking if he still feels the same about me etc.

We have been together 11 months and don’t live together yet (we speak about it a lot). The beginning of the relationship was how you’d expect - very mushy, he was always telling me how he felt about me, how he felt so lucky to have met me etc etc.
I’d say now we still both feel the same. He’s so very lovely to me and is always there for me. But I panic about stupid things

• obviously the relationship has become more relaxed and less lovey dovey as the very beginning, but it makes me worry. My compulsion is to read old messages constantly which makes me upset (even though I know he loves me the same way, just doesn’t gush it as much)
• I worry when he spends time on his own or away from his phone. I don’t feel jealous and deep down I want him to enjoy his own space but I start to ruminate that he doesn’t love me as much anymore
• if he doesn’t explicit tell me he loves me or misses me during the day, I become worried
• silly things, like he used to send me lots of memes or funny things during the day to show he was thinking of me. He still does this but less, and he says he doesn’t need to do it all the time to prove his love
• he’s been there for me during my recent really hard time and says we haven’t had a chance to be our normal selves

I realise this all sounds really immature but they’re all signs of my OCD. He’s been really understanding but I always feel something is off because I guess the chase is over? I dunno.
I don’t really know what I’m asking for as I am on the waiting list for therapy and medication - I guess some tips in the meantime or if anyone has experienced similar? Or for someone to give my head a wobble and say I’m being really stupid? Lol

Could someone give my head a wobble please ?

You're not being stupid op. Ocd is a bastard. I had it as a teen and found stress exasperated it. Try be kind to yourself.

So long as he isn't acting in a way that is unkind or disrespectful or deliberately making you insecure then it's all good. And totally something you can work through.

Though I'm curious, have these compulsions ever manifested themselves before you got with him in any way?

Thanks so much. It’s interesting you say that as my job recently became really stressful to the point I had to take some annual leave and I think that’s where it’s been magnified.

He is never unkind to me, I think (understandably!) he sometimes gets frustrated. I guess he says some things less as we become more comfortable but he’s so understanding. He says he always shows his love in different ways but if things aren’t said explicitly I panic!

I’ve always been an overthinker I guess?

I think the brain sometimes just gets a little...stuck. Under prolonged periods of stress or anxiousness.

You'll probably find that if your work stress lessens, your compulsions will too.

Maybe yoga or mindfulness and other stress relief things (things that require you to sit peacefully and clear your mind) might help you too.

Trick is to find a de-stressor that works for you but that isn't a compulsion.

Feel free to tell me I’m wide of the mark, I’ve had OCD since a teen.

At 11 months in I think he still should be gushing and lovey dovey. You’re still solidly in the honeymoon phase and you should feel utterly secure about his feelings for you. If he went from giving you lots of verbal affirmation to less now, I’d be worried he was getting too comfortable and not making an effort.

It's great that you're getting help for your OCD but why didn't your GP prescribe you an SSRI antidepressant? Or are you already on them? Can you distract yourself so you're not obsessing over him, it's really unhealthy and if I was him I would find it really hard to deal with (although not your fault). It sounds like you're not coping with work stress, is there anything you can do about that? Maybe you could speak to your employer, they need to understand that they are affecting your mental health quite badly and if they're not careful you could end up going off on long term sick. They need to put in some support for you and if they aren't interested perhaps it's time to find a new job?

He definitely is still lovey dovey! My brain just seems to want the explicit words all the time and fails to look over the more subtle signs of showing love 🙁
Even things like in the evenings I’ll get upset if he doesn’t call me because he has done it before so why wouldn’t he want to, pathetic I know. Deep down I want him to have his own hobbies and space, just as I do, but I still ruminate!

I had an interview for a new job yesterday as I think my job did contribute to the stress. I hope I get it…

Can anyone advise on ways to cope before my therapy starts?

Hmm with mine I would often get a compulsion to wash my hands so when that kicked in I would pick up my gameboy instead (showing my age there xD). Basically, do something else with your hands so that you aren't tempted to look at the old phone messages. Maybe one of those stress balls? But something that engages your brain at the same time would be good.

I usually found that if you could withstand the compulsion for the first 10 minutes or so, then it would pass (at least until the next wave some time later in the day lol).

Leave the phone upstairs in a drawer on silent too maybe. So you arent tempted to look.

Basically, keep your hands busy doing something else. Redirect the compulsion.

Even things like the second you feelnit coming on...leave the room. Eg: you feel the need to ask him for the second time that day for verbal confirmation of his love then think 'STOP!'. And pivot on your feet and leave the room. Go outside outside get some air maybe. Count to ten slowly whilst focusing on your breathing.

But imo you have to first and foremost, reduce stress. Even if it means removing the key stressor from your life. And second, be tough with your compulsions. Get into habit of thinking 'I just have to fight them for 10 minutes' or 'if I still want to I can give in in ten minutes" but then refocus the energy onto something for that time and you might find that when 10 minutes pass, the compulsion has also passed.

Pinkbonbon has it right with the techniques to learn.
It's a matter of noticing the urge as soon as you can then stop and do something else.

Start a daily mindfulness meditation practice.
Find a 10 or 20 minute easy yoga sequence on youtube.

Were you offered medication?
I take medication for it and it knocks the urges right out.

Are there other areas in your life that OCD shows up?

Hey @fantalemon5

How are you? I have Pure O too. It's so debilitating. I think I've had it for years but the diagnosis is recent. So many things make sense now.

I have intrusive thoughts, I had a baby in the pandemic and spent a lot of time alone, unsupported. I went back to work and got a promotion which has actually triggered my OCD. I was really good at my last role and knew everything so moving in to a new role has thrown me and I constantly worry I've made a mistake/will get sacked. I obsess over situations, perceived risks and doubt myself constantly.

I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety and I use my OCD to try and cope with the anxiety but it's like a viscous circle. I've lost all my confidence and struggle with my appearance and peoples perception of me. I've found CBT very confronting so far, not realising I was carrying all this trauma.

It impacts everyone differently. I'm trying to practise mindfulness and be kind to myself - I'm not a failure because I have OCD. I feel like I have a long way to go but I'm excited to feel better. I don't want to carry on living a life of worry, I want to find joy again and I hope you can too x