New Relationship.. Anxious attachment type?

[YellowPetal]

Doing some self work.. I am Secure attachment in general and that is my experience from my 15yr marriage (we were both that but my husband was abusive and that ended our relationship)

Since single (2yrs), I had a brief relationship and I ended showing some anxious attachment tendencies myself .. (i suppose baggage from my marriage)

Ideally I would like to date another Secure, but I am realistic when it comes to dating pool - would you date a nice guy, very supportive, caring etc but showing some signs of an Anxious attachment? (he is doing counselling to address it)

In a word, no. I would also argue that a man who is currently in counselling is not at all ready emotionally to embark on another relationship.

For your own self have you looked at the Freedom Programme online; its for those who have previously been in an abusive relationship.

I am willing to step away and give him time and space, and reconnect later (if that is what he wants)

I did Freedom Programme when first separated, lots of reading since, so it’s only his attachment that bothers me

But what about what YOU want?

Maybe you need to review what you learned in the Freedom programme

You don't have to worry about attachment styles until the relationship goes wrong. Secure types can turn anxious, anxious can turn avoidant, avoidant can turn secure, in a healthy, compatible match.

Rather than trying to get advice, go on how you feel. You don't need to categorise people to know how you feel when you're with them, and if you categorise them and dismiss them because of their category, you might dismiss someone who makes you feel amazing.

Forming a relationship isn't a box ticking process. Follow boundaries 101 and you'll be fine: stay away from anybody who makes you feel crap.

What are the signs?

I think the psychobabble isn't as useful as looking at behaviours and how tolerable they are for you. I couldn't care less if someone texts 3 times a day, month or year. But I won't tolerate someone drama-llamaing about whether he wants a relationship.

He does make me feel amazing and at peace when we are together, in simple ways. So I want to give him space - and reconnect when we are both ready perhaps

Absolutely not. I date people who are emotionally healthy and are comfortable being in relationships. That's a bare minimum standard.

Also agree that if he is in therapy rn then thats fine, but he needs to be left to do the self work. Women are not rehab for damaged men.

Might be wise to get some therapy for yourself too though op. As 15 years in an abusive relationship can really mess you up. It can mean that your boundaries are no longer what they need to be and as such, you attract more abusers.

What is it that he is doing?

@YellowPetal

I am willing to step away and give him time and space, and reconnect later (if that is what he wants)

I did Freedom Programme when first separated, lots of reading since, so it’s only his attachment that bothers me

If you're this interested in assessing/making decisions regarding someone else's attachment style, you probably need to have a look at your own. If you're willing to step back to let a man work out his feelings for another woman, and be there for him when he feels ready... what are you doing? You're ready now. Find someone who is ready now.

@Pinkbonbon - starting counselling as well. We both agreed to concentrate on our self-work, I am just not sure if I am being a bit mad by not walking away from him at this point

@Watchkeys fair point. Perhaps both of us are not ready

I think you're wise to listen to signs that he isn't keen on commitment. Because to me that's what anxious attachment is.

No matter what he says, his actions seem to be speaking louder. Or perhaos it's the other way around. If words and actions don't match - don't trust them.

I can't see where u mentioned another woman
as pp said...but if he is giving you shite about still having baggage with some other lady- he is not saying he needs time. He is saying 'I will never value you most. I will always make you feel like there could be someone else. Because I want you to feel insecure'.

• Or because he wants to be able to turn round at some poin and say 'well i told you I had attachment issues/liked someone else'. Once he gets bored/has got the attention he needed from you.

@Pinkbonbon - no other woman in sight, just some issues he needs to address, get out in the open and work on them. So far words and actions match

[quote YellowPetal]@Pinkbonbon - starting counselling as well. We both agreed to concentrate on our self-work, I am just not sure if I am being a bit mad by not walking away from him at this point[/quote]
Any relationship that makes you think you might be being a bit mad to continue... well, do you think that's a good relationship for you to be in?

@Watchkeys - we are not in a relationship. I realised I need to work through stuff, and step back from dating - rather then moving onto a next guy.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts - I think i will let him get on with it, focus on me and see where things develop naturally from there..

Wait, someone abusive can have a secure attachment style ?

It’s not helpful to use pretty simple heuristics to try to ‘diagnose’ someone as a ‘type’. Instead focus on his words and deeds. Reading between the lines he’s not treating you the way you want to be treated, and he’s not making you happy, and that, and that alone, is all you need to know.

@AubadeIsIt

Wait, someone abusive can have a secure attachment style ?

Attachment styles aren't fixed. Someone who would ordinarily be regarded as secure can veer either way, especially if they are at the anxious or avoidant end of the secure scale. So you can't really say that someone can't be abusive and have a secure attachment style. It's a bit like saying 'Wait, someone sensible can't take a wrong turning?'

@Wiredforsound - few things I pointed out to him and that is also addressed in his self-work. So far words and deeds match