Can't deal with the random arguments - his problem or mine?

[ha7ay]

My partner is great, supportive, does more than his share and we are happy most of the time.

Every couple months he will get angry at me about something and start an argument - this will involve raising his voice and swearing. Its usually something relatively small - ( rather than arguments about significant issues that escalate.) Last night he woke me up angry when he went to bed because there were no pillows on his side - they had fallen off the bed and were scattered everywhere. The time before that a couple of months ago it was because I had twisted around a lamp he had just put up (I thought it was meant to twist).

I don't deal well with this at all. I hate arguments in the home. It makes me switch off, and I feel threatened. I have previous experience of DV which might have something to do with it.

I don't know what to do. He just wants to move on from the arguments as quickly as they start. But for me, it affects me. It affects how comfortable I feel in my home and with him. I don't know what to do.

would really appreciate advice

Have you told him this op what you have said here? Maybe he has no idea how him going into one really upsets you. Set some boundaries

@Tulipsandviolets

I have told him yes. I don't think he understands how serious I find this. I feel awful today and cant stop crying

for me, there is a big difference between an argument - when you are both involved and saying stuff, and possibly getting louder - and my DH (who is about to be my XDH for this very reason) shouting and swearing at me...for whatever reason.

An argument I really wouldn't like (and I tend to avoid them but am getting better at sticking up for myself), but being shouted and sworn at is abuse and very frightening. And to wake you up shouting about pillows is horrible, completely indefensible.

I'd sit down with a cup of tea and say we need to find a better way to communicate from now on. I don't like being sworn at it makes me feep belittled and stressed. I understand all couples have disagreements but from now on I'd like you to talk to me without raising your voice. Allow him to have a chance to speak too.

Don't ever feel you have to put up with cruel behaviour. Put some boundaries up. My partner is a snapper to. He is aware of it though and is getting coucilling.

@northerncrumpet

Yes that is exactly it. The bigger issues that I think often cause proper arguments with couples we don't argue about. Its these small things when he is already stressed.

@Cremeeggseasonx

Thank you, sorry to hear about your OH. I wish mine would accept this really is a problem for me, and actually I can't continue because its changing the way I feel and act in my own home :(

There is something terribly wrong with someone who would wake you up and shout at you about pillows.

You've told him how you feel and he keeps doing it.

You mentioned your house. Did he move in with you?

If you are not afraid of him physically. Then you've got to give him this one chance to wake up and stop the behaviour. If he realises he could loose you he might stop and think. You don't deserve this but it's in your hands to an extent to give him those boundaries. X

@RantyAunty

No we got this house together, and our shares are protected through a deed.

Does it start with shouting or swearing or does he start by expressing a view about something and you shut down and refuse to listen.

Avoiding conflict isnt actually a healthy place to be - avoidance can simply produce more anxiety and behaviour that spirals

I think what I am saying is that you have to allow him to express negative views but at the same time he has to not resort to negative/unhealthy ways of addressing that conflict

psychcentral.com/blog/why-you-need-to-stop-avoiding-conflict-and-what-to-do-instead#3

@Quartz2208

Thanks for your insight. It def starts by him snapping in some way, which often involves shouting, not just expressing a view. But I don't deal with that well. I have panic attacks, push him away, can't stop crying, and this makes him more angry.

I am generally quite an avoidant person, its my way of dealing with things. When he gets angry and I feel I can't avoid it, I find it massively triggering.

I wish mine would accept this really is a problem for me, and actually I can't continue

He's not listening to or respecting your feelings, is he?

I'd be putting in a boundary, and telling him I can't live with outbursts like that, and I won't. Leave it up to him, then. If he does it again, leave.

It's his decision, really, whether he wants to be the partner you're looking for or not.

Ok so he will just start shouting at your when something isn't suiting him.

Are you able to leave the room when he starts?
You might try telling him not to talk to you like that and leave the room.

Or, why would your shout at me like that? Stop it. and then leave the room.

You've already spoken to him about it and if setting a boundary like above doesn't work, are you prepared to end it with him??

Waking you up shouting (about pillows!) is more than just 'snapping' OP, he's making you feel afraid in your own home and (sorry if this is hard to hear) I would be wondering whether this is actually another abusive relationship.

He's not "supportive". You've explained you have a problem and he's dismissed the notion.

@StormyWindow

Thanks for replying. I have considered that.

From what I understand there are two things about abusive relationships which distinguishes them from unhealthy/ toxic relationship : the motivation and affect of domestic abuse is to exert power and control. This is just not the case here.

Secondly, the behaviour is aimed only at the partner, ie, they can 'control it', its therefore not an 'anger problem'. I have thought about this, and its not the case here either. He snaps/ gets angry to various degrees at his family, kids, friends, in work and in the car (I'd describe him as having road rage, though without dangerous driving). Of course that doesn't make it any better, but I don't think its specifically aimed at me. I think he has more of a general issue.

Waking you up to shout at you should be a total deal breaker. That is absolutely unacceptable behaviour, no matter what he's upset about.

FGS, just finally admit to yourself that this relationship isn't working for you. You've left one abusive relationship for another.

What did he expect, you to get up and move the pillows to his hallowed head for him?

Or did he think you had scattered the pillows on purpose?

Could he not just find the pillows on his own?

He can look at an Alternative to violence course.
Your responses are normal given your previous experiences.
Maybe he’s experienced some past trauma himself. He needs to talk about it.