Why do I seem to only attract fair weather friends?

[cleocleo24]

Just that really. I have always struggled with friendships and previously I think my expectations have been too high so I have lost friends. But at the same time I think my expectations must be quite low as I seem to have so many friendships that are one sided.

Recently in a fairly new group of friends one of the women has been going through marriage problems. We have all listened to her, rallied around and had extra meet ups and given advice etc. All saying we are worried about her.

Now I am having marriage problems and get no such care. Feel like my friend barely listen when I talk about it. only one follow up how are things now.,no effort to meet up with me to help. I don't feel like they would do the same if I was going through problems.no one seems to care. They are a group which I feel I have to make the effort with.story of my life really.

I have another friend who for the past 18 months has been going through marriage problems. Again, all rallied around her. Lots of meet ups/texts discussing it all, giving advice. Trying to be sympathetic- although my friend is not without blame. All conversations are still dominated by her men issues. She stopped answering my messages and stop making and effort. Yet messages the other women in our groups about it all.

I do try to be a good friend and listen and be supportive but I am not the person people go to with problems etc so I feel my friends get closer to each other without me.

People are happy enough to meet up with me but won't really suggest a meet up and don't want to listen to any problems I might have. It feels that way anyway.

How could I change this?

Have you tried being direct in a message to say ‘I’m having a tough time ladies, anyone fancy a meet up, be good to vent to you all!’?

Not exactly like that but I have met up with a friend and talked about it. She hasn't followed up with any contact to ask how things are though which makes me feel like she doesn't really care and wouldn't want to listen again.

I feel like I make all the effort so I have stopped. But if a circle then though.

I've been in this situation. More with family than friends.

People get cast in roles, and you are being taken for granted.

You need to stop contacting them and making an effort. Not in anger or petulance. But you are standing up for yourself. It will take some time but they'll realise you haven't been in touch.

They'll then contact you - or not.

While it's painful, if they don't contact you, you at least know where you stand and can take steps to form genuine relationship.

It's not easy.

Your other alternative is to calmly, directly tell them how you find their behaviour and how it impacts you. This isn't easy either. But it shows that you are assertive & you are less likely to be taken for granted.

@EarringsandLipstick

I've been in this situation. More with family than friends.

People get cast in roles, and you are being taken for granted.

You need to stop contacting them and making an effort. Not in anger or petulance. But you are standing up for yourself. It will take some time but they'll realise you haven't been in touch.

They'll then contact you - or not.

While it's painful, if they don't contact you, you at least know where you stand and can take steps to form genuine relationship.

It's not easy.

Your other alternative is to calmly, directly tell them how you find their behaviour and how it impacts you. This isn't easy either. But it shows that you are assertive & you are less likely to be taken for granted.

Thanks.

Yes I feel I am taken for granted a lot in my life. Particularly by my DH. I think people like me and are happy to meet up at my suggestion or in a group but aren't bothered by maintaining a 1-1 friendship and don't think oh I must contact cleo, not heard from her for a while.

Yes, I have done the approach of not contacting people before and have lost friendships over it or I see others getting closer in the meantime as they made the effort with them instead. Trouble is if I keep doing this I will end up with no friends. This round of friends were meant to be the genuine friends I make. I definitely do fall into a category and don't know how to get it out of it. People's opinions are formed.