How do you know if your being patronised

[Jenn500]

When dealing with people I don't know I think I'm a bit shy and submissive and maybe overly polite. I'm not very chatty but don't want to come across as rude so I think that makes me be a bit submissive as I have a fear of offending people. I also struggle with eye contact.
Any way I was visiting a school for my child and the teacher was chatty and nice. My partner didn't really talk so I had to do the talking and ask questions. Afterwards he said he thought she was patronising me like over friendliness, talking to me like I'm one of her students.
My opinion was that she was friendly and just didn't like awkward silences so talking a lot.
I then started to doubt and think maybe she was patronising me.
And now I question a lot of encounters I have with people who are offering a service.
For example, I took my kids to the hairdresser and she kept saying the same things to my kids over and over. Like aren't you a good boy your going to look so grown up. I always have to respond to everything someone says so I don't make them uncomfortable, like say yes or laugh. I guess people may think I'm a girl not a woman and feel superior. Part of me felt like she was nice, and probably a bit nervous herself underneath, maybe she didn't like silences. But then I sort of had a feeling she was being a bit patronising I probably will never know unless I saw how they interact with others.
So I wanted to ask how you know your being patronised.

It doesn't sound to me like being patronised by the teacher. More likely she is just used to being in teacher mode and talking to her students.

And the hairdresser convo just sounds like she was talking to your boy.

Of kerb question here but...does your hubby have form for undermining your confidence? I just wonder because, it sounds like you were pushing yourself to be boldrer than you felt and more chatty with the teacher and he perhaps didn't like that. So is trying to get you to second guess other peoples intentions towards you.

Hopefully it's not that.

And for knowing when I'm being patronised...its when my first thought/gut instinct to whatever it is they are doing or saying is 'fuck you asshole' lol

It sounds like the teacher was ‘in teacher mode’, which can be irritating!

How sociable is your husband? I just wonder if the reason he found the person patronising is the same reason he wasn't talkative. As in he picks up on negativeity that's not there and that makes him go quiet. What do you think?

I think he didn't talk too much because it was mainly my thing, sorting the school out. I don't think he said that to put me down, I can sort of see his opinion as when I think about it, I can't imagine talking to people how the teacher and other people sometimes talk to me. Like giving me praise like I'm a little kid or things like giving me no response when I say something, which makes me think I've said something stupid.
I sometimes do get the gut instinct of being patronised and feeling a bit flat after an encounter, but Im not sure whether I trust it.

It doesn't happen to me very often. However, a number of years ago I was at a hen do and one of the brides friends asked me to pull a chair over to the table when we went to a cafe. It wasn't what she said it was the way she said it as if I was beneath her. I have never forgotten this incident.

I'm a primary school teacher and I can sometimes. forget to come out of 'teacher mode' when speaking to parents. When I'm in KS1 or younger, it's definitely more likely to happen!

However, I would say that it's possibly a sense you have because you have already put yourself into the 'submissive' role by not wanting to offend and being overly polite. If people read you as someone who is 'fragile' in some way, that is likely to be how they interact with you to avoid upsetting you.

If you come across as lacking in confidence or insecure, they may be trying to put you at ease and reassure you.

You are allowed to assert yourself. It doesn't offend most people and those who are offended, well, that's on them.

And when speaking with parents, the ones who are very quiet and overly polite and appear to be shy or lacking in confidence are also the ones likely to be upset by being spoken to about their child in more direct fashion. The extra care required when speaking to these parents possibly does sound patronising, tbh.

Have you heard the Gandhi quote, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world,"? Its true. If you want to elicit a different response from people, change how you interact with them. People will generally match you

Why is it 'your thing' to sort out a school for your dc?

If you're not very confident socially, it's possible that you're seeing things that just aren't there. Maybe the teacher felt awkward at your h standing there not saying anything, so talked more to cover it up?

Why not focus on improving your social skills instead of wondering if people are patronising you?

Does your h put you down or generally make you feel like you're in the wrong or that people are out to get you?

I don’t think I’m patronised very often and I’ve certainly never felt patronised by a teacher. Perhaps people have been trying to patronise me and instead I’ve taken them at face value… which I see as a win. I’m quite a confident person and I work with lots of men so I have acquired the art of the brutal put down over the years . If your instinct is to come away from an encounter thinking someone was chatty or friendly then I don’t think it’s beneficial to re-examine it. What purpose does that serve? The hairdresser sounds like she was just filling silence with talk.

If you didn’t feel patronised then she probably wasn’t being patronising.

If someone is patronising it can either be in their tone of voice (speaking as if to a child - sing-song voice or deliberately slowly) or in what they say (telling you something patently obvious or that they know you know already). Depending on who is doing it I either tell them to stop treating me like a child or become over-effusive (Wow! I never knew that. Thank you so much for telling me). Sometimes it gets through to them what a dick they are being. Sometimes it goes flying over their head.

Try and tune in more to nuances when others speak and trust your intuition. Did you feel annoyed, prickled after the conversation but don't know why. Did the person feel false, use a sing-song voice, fake smile.
Try and compare conversations that made you feel uncomfortable to ones that make you feel good - people who show a genuine interest, eye contact, smiling, listening. This will help you build a gauge.

Also don’t assume there is something wrong with you if people are patronising to you it’s not because you are too shy or girly or anything like that. It’s about them not you.

I think you are totally overthinking this because of your lack of confidence and the seeds of doubt from your partner. If you don't come away from a conversation feeling upset or annoyed everything is fine.